Yeah it does. you are right, when I was dark for so long, my life was better, sad to say, but it was. I see her and the best way for me to get back on track and away from the sitch, leaving it to Him, is to basically enrage myself. It doesn't last. what she thinks or does is none of my concern, what matters is what I think and what I do. And absolutely, when I get back on my dark road, He has the reins and I feel so much better, more complete because I am not hanging on or sitting and waiting for "signs". And yes, I tell myself to Stop It, outloud when I have these thoughts so I am doing it. and it does work.
Again my thought process is that she is not who she was. end of story. I do not know this person she has become, nor do I want to. I get aggravated when she contacts me or if I see her, because I don't want to...I am so focused on me and my life right now, that monkey wrenches in the works is very unproductive for me. I hate putting energy into the negative thoughts, but I have been told it will happen and that I need to get them out and not fester over them, which I have been doing (getting over it, not festering).
As for what I think she thinks or feels, well, its like I always say, opinions are like as@#$%s, everyone has one, but they are best not shared. It is my opinion, does she hurt, does she have to worry about what I worry about, does she feel lonely, depressed, unhappy, no I don't think she does, my opinion, because that's what she tells everyone. I understand that she says things to justify her actions, but after 7 months, it sounds to me like she may have convinced herself totally. Again, my opinion, but i do not want to dwell on that thought because it hurts. I am back on my dark road, praying tohim to watch over her and to keep up my strength, and praying for my kids, their health and well being, but at no time since January one have I prayed for reconciliation, her thoughts to turn to me, us getting together, none of that. I have given all that to him, and him alone. I don't talk about it, I don't speak about it and for the past day or two, don't think about it. By this time next week or even this weekend, the negative thougths about what I think about her will be gone, completely. the longer I am away, the quicjker I recover when I slip.
but it is nice to see that my telling myself to Stop, outloud and knowing that I do it because, one, i hurts to even think that way and two, of which you are 100% correct, I don't know what is in her head.
I have basically written myself off with regard to being with anyone at this point in my life. I need to be for me, not a relationship, not another persons feelings, nothing....This new job possibility came within my 21 Days of darkness, thats how focused I was and how my postiive feelings were working for me. I am getting back there in time for the final interview. I am very positive that I will get this job and my life, on the finacial side will improve dramatically. Once I have that off my back, I move forward to other aspects of my life that I may want to change.
I am very hard on myself, because I have to be. I cannot let up or relent, I must stay motivated to keeping myslef on track and moving forward, any other action is unacceptable. the best way to do this is to leave my sitch and her in His hands. And when I feel myself relent or try to analyze, I know I am just getting in the way.
thanks for the advice, stop works, it does, but I am not a fool in believing I won't have this pain for the rest of my life. I have accepted it, and I move forward regardless.
