I agree it's better to know as little as possible about the OW. All over these boards, so much energy gets poured into despising and criticizing these women who have betrayed the sisterhood. Yet they're really only pretty damaged people with limited self-awareness--it's the spouses who really should be the target for all that anger and sense of betrayal. I can understand the temptation to focus on OW, because there's such a strong sense of jealousy that H could have abandonned a loving spouse for someone so messed up--but then you're just repeating your H's mistake of wasting all his energy on her, instead of on the self. (I can say this now, but it took me quite a while to get there....)
I'm with you on the lapdances being a boundary too far. If my H had gone there, I don't think I could have continued the marriage. MLC or not, I don't think I could have respected him again. I was a bit curious about how the lapdancing started though--was this something he did on his own, or did he have friends who were going anyhow, or was it with people from work?
It sounds as though there was a lot of clarity in your shame-dream. Throughout my H's MLC I had dreams about our relationship that were crystal-clear indicators of how I really felt, even before my mind had fully processed the information. Now that life has calmed down I've gone back to random can't-get-anything-useful-from-this dreams.
What a dreadful way to treat you during your brother's death! My H was about equally warm & fuzzy during his MLC, but the funeral was several years before your H started his--he really has a lot of work to do on himself!!
I guess it's not surprising that the bank noticed your H's life had got out of control. Plus, I believe a lot of MLCers almost bring losing their jobs on themselves, almost wanting to be punished for their feelings of worthlessness.
As for the new relationship, it's so hard not to think that H must think it's "better" than his old one, and that it meets all his needs, and that he's now totally happy. He may even tell you he's finally happy--but that's all part of the script. His unhappiness was never about you, it was about him, and that's why no new relationship will lead to happiness. Especially not a relationship that started with lies, cheating, and guilt. So don't believe he chose her to get away from you--it's himself he's trying to run from. Or, insofar as he did want to get away from you, it wasn't from the loving partner who enjoyed his company, it was from the straw figure he'd built up in his mind to justify his behaviour. Does the news from the bank help you believe that?
From one homebody to another--are there any classes you could take for stuff you could then do in your new home? I know you don't care much for cooking, but is there some kind of cooking you quite like to eat and know nothing about? Are there classes you might like to branch out into at the gym? Are there evening activities your girlfriends could to join you in without kids, like wine tasting or a book club? (Do you still like to read?) What were your favourite activities as a child?
