WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

Stuck808,

I stripped down your original post to some of the key high points for me.

When your W brings up the thought that she doesn't/can't believe the changes are real, blah blah blah, then just shrug your shoulders and say "that's up to you. I know their real." and then just walk off. You don't have to keep justifying it to her.

Second, when she brings up the thought that you should have known to do this and that. Just tell her you're not a mind reader any more than she is. If something's bothering her, tell you. She'll bring up how you never did so in the past, then stop her right there. Tell her that was the past and this is now. All she has to do is tell you and you understand much more now. Then stop. You don't have to justify anymore than that.

With the verbal jiu-jitsu, you have to deflect her blaming you and reflect the issues back on her. When she keeps saying "I can't believe" or "You should have..." Deflect those comments with "I understand you can't believe...but I believe it" or "I should have before and that was before. I know better now." Then walk away. The key is to stop before she starts going off on the same rant she's been spewing for the past 9 weeks.

Those are GREAT examples - I wished I had them over the weekend. I'm going to print them out so I can keep them in front of me - of course hidden from her!

She'll complain saying that you're so cruel, etc. But hey, she started this. It's time to start doing things on your terms not hers.

It's time you not let her MLC selfishness run your life. Live how you want to live your life. That's how it was before you got married. You never had to answer to anyone. Show her that man again. Then she'll have no choice but to look within. And that's what you want her to do.

I told my W that instead of constantly complaining about what she doesn't want, try figuring out what it is you do want. Your W will say she wants her freedom and to be out of the marriage. Stop her and ask her again what do you want and ask her to be specific.

Again - you are so right. I'm feeling it more today. I have to decide that I'm going to have a good day. If she's not, whatever. If I want to have fun with my boys, she's welcome to join us, but I do not need her to be there to have fun.

Last Tuesday when I pushed her about sleeping in the spare bedroom. I pressed her to think about what a divorce actually solves. She didn't have a good answer other than to get herself away from me. I had told her that's really not going to do anything as she's still angry/hurt and will still feel that way whethter she is around me or not. I told her she needs to work that out before she can find whatever she is looking for.

Last nite before counseling she had brought that up about talking to someone about her anger/hurt. She didn't want to use our counselor as she knows she's also my therapist, so she wants to find someone else. I told her that's a great idea!

I appreciate you sticking around and guiding me. I know it's like leading a stubborn mule. But even a mule reaches the destination eventually!

Thanks for all the advice and the 2x4's