I remember your sitch and how your H was going back and force and how beautifully you have handled it.
I have a que for you.
My H broke up with OW (again) after 6 months of living with her and came home. He reconnected with our old friends and told them he was in h!ll for two years (that's how long A lasted), wanted to get away from OW, loved me. He initiated R talk with me, told me he wants back, dumped OW and came back, but didn't move any of his stuff from their apt.
First two days he hardly spoke with me, obviously grieving over the loss of OW. He spent all the time in their apt, saying he needs space to work and also he has to clean the apt. OW's dog is still there and H is taking it for a walk every day. Don't ask me why!
On the third day he started a major R talk. He looked very much an alien, was nasty, cruel, said he was happy with OW and came back out of guilt. Started again the MLC talk - we were not happy for years, our sex life was never great,OW was a wonderful person who gave him the taste of what happiness could be. THat he was drunk when he broke up with her. Then he apologized to me and told me he was surprised how calm I was. I didn't let him provoke me and was listening and validating his feelings. Yesterday he confessed that he spent an hour on the phone with OW. Today he spent three hours on the phone with OW (I was calling non stop). Every day he's coming home very late, eats and takes off to bed. He's calling me to tell he's on his way, then two hours later he's calling to tell me he's still there.
Why call then? Why come home at all? It was his idea, not mine, now he's acting as if he was forced to move home and hates every minute of beong here.
I don't really know what to do. He is here with me every night (NO ML, no touching) and he broke up with OW, true. On the other hand, he is NOT working on M, went back to his MLC ways, doesn't spend any time with me and talks to OW every day, more and more so.
I'm trying to remain positive and give him space but I feel like I'm letting him walk all over me. I remember reading on MLC resources taht during Acceptance they test LBSs, wondering if the changes were permanent, and also that they seem to go back into the tunnel but they actually don't. That's what keeping me from kicking him out.
I would really value your advice on this!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I could have written what you did!!!! My H did the same things. Our R was really strained. This is when my H moved home, out again, home again, etc. Just be prepared for that to happen. It seems that some of the MLCer's do that. It is still the process. It sounds like your H is still in contact with the ow and any reconciliation won't happen until he is done with the ow for good. At least that is what happened in my sitch. The contact will be hot and heavy for a while and it will dwindle down to nothing.
Just keep a cool head on your shoulders. You will be tested by your H big time during this part. Grab you some patience and alot of understanding.
It really sounds like he is making the turn for home for good....it takes time.
YR.....Patience has really been tested with me. It used to really bug me and sometimes it still does but for the most part I guess I now go about my day and try not to think about him or OW....everyone here has always given good advice...I don't give them the space in my head...now I'm not saying I dont stumble once in a while but as long as I don't see him I"m okay...
I gave him everything he could want...not perfect but like everyone here, I thought there was nothing that could separate us...I was so wrong...in time, in time...he'LL realize what he's missing...he'll be one lonely man, even if he's still w/ OW...she will never know him like I do...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
You are right! You have alot of history with your H. Those memories are there in his brain. They might be hidden right now but they do surface. Things will trigger them.
You are doing better than I was at this point. I still had maybe melt downs. The ow can't give him everything that he has had with you and your kids. He will miss it.
YR....believe me I have many meltdowns...it's just once I get the crying out, I feel so much better...I do miss him and the family I had...his smell, everything...I'm just trying to bury it so I can live...the other day when I was talking to my D16 & she was talking about H, I started tearing up....I do still have a shirt of his and I do still take it out and smell it every once in a while & believe it or not, I can still smell him....it may be in my head because the shirt hasn't been washed and it has been over a year...but when I do smell it, it's like he's right there with me...isn't that weird...
OH, when he was over the other night we were looking at pics that I had made for my room and we were looking at how much my S11 looks like my oldest...it's amazing...S11 was there and of course saying, "no I don't"...LOL..he looks EXACTLY like her... anyway...there were lots of pictures of the kids when they were little...I didn't have them to show him on purpose he was just there and happened to look at them...then he left...that's when the texting started...and he's been nonexistant since...
But nothing I can do right now but wait and live my life...listen to me...lol...I act like i know what I'm talking about...LOLOL!! Crazy....
I'm focusing on my dad and my children....they are what's important at this moment....H will have to wait....LOL
Last edited by Treese; 03/11/0903:38 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Thank you, dear YR, for giving me courage and hope!
H is going to have "one last talk" with OW today, telling her it's over and done with and he made up his mind. He's having doubts, it shows. He was sitting here by my side telling me about OW, what a nice woman she really is, and I was doing my best to validate his feelings. So hard.
He's hoping after that he's going to be done with her for good.
We'll see what happens...
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Just be prepared for him sliding back. Don't give up.
My H slide back so many times, I thought that was the way it was going to be. Until they are ready to completely give up the ow, it will be hard on you.
My H did the same thing to me talking about the ow. He said to me once that if he hadn't had the A with her we would have been good friends! What the HECK???????? She is nothing like me and besides she wasn't stable mentally.
This just shows you what their thinking is like!!!!
He said to me once that if he hadn't had the A with her we would have been good friends! What the HECK???????? She is nothing like me and besides she wasn't stable mentally.
OMG, YR!
That is exactly, word to word, what my H has told me! It took all my willpower not to react the way I wanted to...
It's hard to prepare for still more backslides.
But I know that you're right.
I know I can do it.
You are my inspiration :).
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
