I have not posted regarding my sitch on these boards in quite some time. I was posting over in Newcomers for awhile, but my W discovered the site so I stopped. That was several months ago and I don't think she checks these boards anymore. So I feel it's time to start again since we are beginning a new, and even more depressing, chapter in this journey.
By way of background (I'll try to make this brief), my W is in the Military. She recently returned from being overseas in the middle east for one year. While she was there I played the role of single parent to our two girls and she unfortunately played the role of just being single. She is involved with another married man who has two very young children. :-(. She returned about 3 months ago. She first informed me she wanted a D last April when we met up in Hawaii for a visit with her. I was shocked to say the least. However at that time she assured me there was not an OM and that we would try and work on the relationship when she returned. Both were lies evidently to get me to move the kids across the country to be where she was being stationed next.
Skip to today, she has informed me that she wants to talk with me about moving out. She is considering buying a house. Says I can keep the girls, but she wants joint custody and equal time with them. She wants to share costs equally in everything and make this as easy as possible.
My issues, are that if I go the route of "joint physical custody" I will not be able to get adequate, or possibly any, child support (I know a question I need to talk to a L about). She makes more than I do, due to the fact that her being in the military has required me to change jobs every 2 to 3 years and it's hard to have career and salary progression when you do that.
Also, I still would like to save this marriage if possible - that appears really unlikely so I'm hoping for some advice on how to approach this meeting without further alienating her, but still standing firm on my needs and wants (i.e. adequate support). She is still in contact with the OM which is another issue as well.
Sorry if this is somewhat scatterbrained and doesn't make sense. I'm under a bit of stress today.
Well we met and talked about all of this stuff. I stayed as calm as possible considering everything. She is set on moving out and is willing to provide support but wants it in the form of alimony and not child support. I'm against that idea because, one the support needed is for the kids and two alimony is taxable to me where child support isn't. So we have some work to do there to come to an agreement on that issue. She is wanting visitation somewhere along the lines of every other weekend and every Wednesday which is fine with me.
She has several business trips lined up over the next three weeks so it will give us some time by ourselves which is good I think. I telework and my boss has asked me to come back to the office for about a six week period to cover for another employee who is leaving. However that would mean I would be living clear across country and I'm not sure that is such a good idea.
W left this morning for a three day business trip. On the plus side it will be nice to have less tension in the house for the next three days. Even though she is working very actively to move out, looking at buying her own place or just renting, I need to figure out how to reduce the stress and tension that is hovering over us. It is hard for me to see someone that I love feel so uptight around me - for what seems no real reason at all. I do not bring up any R talk, I don't hover over her, plead, beg or anything like that. I try to just hang back and let her dictate what interaction we have if any. I am trying to act "as if" but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference in how she feels. I don't know, I guess I just seem lost.
have you suggested counseling? would she go? I don't blame you, this limbo sickens anyone, if she doesn't want to go then go to C by yourself, specially since you are the one taking care of the kids. You don't have to retain a L to see one, do get at least a consultation and don't agree to anything until you see one, the alimony offer is a bad one, child support should be calculated by the amount of $ she makes, dont' shortchange yourself please.
When she is around just be yourself, dont' expect much from her nor give her longing looks, as far a possible do GAL. Hang in there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes I suggested counselling, found a solution focused, pro-marriage counselor to go to and she went with me about 4 times before calling it quits. Basically told the counselor to her face that she didn't know what she was talking about and was clueless. I have continued to go.
I have seen a L but that was some time ago. Realistically she is not in a position to be making any demands, since it she is the one who has committed adultery. I will be fair because that's only right, but I won't agree to something that is not fair to me.
Only communication I have received from her since she left for St Louis yesterday was on short text message telling me she had arrived. Which is sad but fine. She returns home in a couple of days and I suspect I won't hear from her the entire time.
Hi s4h....I have wondered what happened to you, but have been praying for you in your absence.
Sounds like things are moving toward a D. As for the child support versus spousal support, in many states, there is a formula that calculates child support and if that formula determines she owes you child support, then you cannot make any other agreement than that. So she may not have any choice in the matter. As I have told you since the beginning, you need to just bite the bullet and retain a lawyer.
Do you remember that I told you about my cousin who is in your area? Well she is basically still in limbo, too. I did forward that name of the attorney you gave me to her and she tried to contact them about her case. Unfortunately, because of her specific issues on her case, she didn't feel they were a good fit for her so she didn't retain them, and that means she is still without an L. Time seems to drag under those conditions, but once you do retain an L things finally start to happen.
I'm very sad for your sitch, hun, but I know you are going to be just fine after all the dust settles. Well, maybe "fine" is not the right word, but I know you know what I mean. You will still be YOU and you will still have your girls, and in that sense, it is even more than simply "fine".
I have had discussions with a L and know that really my W doesn't have a choice regarding the child support, she will have to pay based on the state guidelines. There are three separate calculations based on what type of custody arrangement we agree on: Sole, Split, or Shared. We most likely will go with Shared Custody but I will still have the girls the majority of the time.
Sorry to hear about your cousin's limbo status. It really is a difficult stage in all of this. Heading for divorce is painful but it's pain that you get through and then start rebuilding. Limbo is just a daily hell with no clear path. I wish her the best.
So W came home from her business trip last night. I always get my hopes up that when she's gone for a couple of days, or I am gone on a trip that she will have an epiphany of sorts and change her mind about wanting out of the M. Of course that didn't happen, again. :-(. So back to co-existing under the same roof until she finds her own place.
Well a pretty uneventful weekend for us. We did wash the cars together so I guess that counts for something. W leaves again today on another business trip. We did hug each goodbye - it seemed mutual but who knows for sure.
It will be a nice stress-less three days while she is gone, however I can't seem to get behind the idea that this marriage is completely over. I still hang on to these tiny threads that this is not the end. That she will change her mind. My guess is that I'll continue to do that until she actually moves out.
So at what point does the hope of reconcilliation end? It has been almost one full year since my W dropped the bomb on me. Since that time I have read, and reread DB/DR and put the principles to practice as best as I could. We've gone to a few sessions of MC to no avail - her heart clearly was not in it. My W has made it known on several occasions that she does not want to stay in the marriage. Recently she has started to make plans to leave. We still live under the same roof, but separately.
However I still for some reason have this glimmer of hope left in me that she is going to "wake up and smell the roses" and change her mind. Even though I've tried to tell myself it's an unrealistic expectation. I just can't seem to cut that last strand of rope. I 'm not even sure I will be able to once she moves out but maybe that's what it will take.
