You've done SOME. Too "melty woman," and too "I'm okay with all of this."
You need to regroup.
When he asked you how you were doing, you should have said "Great!" -- and left it at that. And when he said "I know, there's some things I need to take care of and get straight, and then we can talk," you should have said "Yep -- this is your mess, and you get to clean it up," and THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT, preferably by having something you need to go do.
Look, I said this was a critical stage, and it is. Your husband is going to be DESPERATELY trying to "normalize" his affair relationship right now, and make his loved ones "okay" with it all.
Don't enable that bullchit. And for God's sakes, DON'T ask him how he's doing!
Quote:
I know he's a cheater and I can't believe what he says, only what he does. If he eventually ends the affair, I don't know how I will know what he does since we don't live together and I don't have a GPS device on him.........(Ha Ha)
He will come to you, in genuine remorse, and you will KNOW it when it does. And the burden of proof will be on him, and you'll be in a position to let him know what your boundaries and your "dealbreakers" are, and to get things set up on a transparency plan. Until that happens, you don't NEED to know what he's doing; just assume he's still in the middle of his affair, and act accordingly.
Sorry, I know I was melty woman, asking him how he is doing.
But he left here crying. (I've only seen him cry 2-3 times in 8 years) And I believe that was genuine. As much as I hate what he has done to me and our marriage, I do think he's a mess and he knows it. I'm not making excuses for him, I know it's his own fault. But I still care about my H, no matter what he's done. That is why I asked him how he is doing.
Now that I got those few thoughts across to him (when he ends the affair, we can talk), I am back to the plan.
I will regroup.
By the way, what is a transparency plan?
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
A transparency plan is an agreement between a contrite formerly-wayward spouse and their husband/wife once they have agreed to end all contact. It includes changing cellphone numbers (and having the new one contain detailed billing, with the bill coming to the betrayed spouse), and having the phone accessible and available at all times to the betrayed spouse, without being locked. It includes exchanging daily schedules, keylogger on the computer if that was used to text and e-mail OM/OW, possibly a GPS on the car -- whatever it takes for a period of time for the betrayed spouse to feel comfortable and to allow trust to be re-built.
You can Google "infidelity" "transparency plan" to see a better description, and some examples.
100% no-contact, including a no-contact letter, plus a good transparency plan, are essential in any recovery/reconciliation.
So, if my H ends the affair, and says he wants to work on our marriage, I need to do all those things???
I don't know if I was planning on him moving back in right away. That would be necessary if I was to have access to his phone at all times.
Here's a BIG problem. My H is in school right now. OW is in most of his classes. (Chiro school has a set schedule of classes until they get to electives). He WILL still see her everyday. At least for the next year. I just don't know how it's going to work with that. I mean, I can't tell him to quit school. He can stay away from her at school and not talk to her. But I can already see this as an issue. He isn't someone who won't say "Hi" to someone and completely block them out.
And a no contact letter?
He needs to write OW a letter and I need to make sure it gets to her??
Wow, pretty intense.
BTW Puppy, I saw your post to Vdad about your marriage and how you and your W are such good friends but are having problems with intimacy. I can relate from the other side in that my H and I get along so well (we hardly ever fought) and yet we have problems with intimacy (I am the LD spouse of our SSM). I would love to go to a sex therapist but I don't think there are any in the area where we live. I will pray that your wife changes her mind and decides she wants to go to a sex therapist or IC.
Sorry to be nosy....
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
So, if my H ends the affair, and says he wants to work on our marriage, I need to do all those things???
I don't know if I was planning on him moving back in right away. That would be necessary if I was to have access to his phone at all times.
Here's a BIG problem. My H is in school right now. OW is in most of his classes. (Chiro school has a set schedule of classes until they get to electives). He WILL still see her everyday. At least for the next year. I just don't know how it's going to work with that. I mean, I can't tell him to quit school. He can stay away from her at school and not talk to her. But I can already see this as an issue. He isn't someone who won't say "Hi" to someone and completely block them out.
And a no contact letter?
He needs to write OW a letter and I need to make sure it gets to her??
Wow, pretty intense.
Yep. So is adultery. I guess it depends on how serious the couple is about wanting to repair the damage that the affair caused.
Alcoholics can't go back into bars, and gambling addicts can't go back into casinos. My wife had to quit her job at the gym, that she had gone to school to get certified for, and had worked her AZZ off in order to build up her clientele (she's a personal trainer). But OM worked there, their affair was partially conducted there, and she understood that this was something she needed to do. I have heard of couples that actually MOVED TO A DIFFERENT TOWN in order to avoid contact and be left alone to rebuild their marriage.
It all depends on whether or not you view an affair as an ADDICTION. If you do (and I completely do!), then you believe in things like separating the addict from the source of their addiction (no-contact), transparency, etc.
Ever see a wayward spouse go thru hard withdrawal? It ain't pretty.
I'm not trying to depress you, Belle, but I do want to be realistic with you about what lies ahead. It CAN be done, and thousands -- probably even tens of thousands -- of couples do it.
Can he take that one class online?
It's really not important to worry about this right now anyway, because he has not indicated that he's ready to do "whatever it takes." When he is, I can help you.
No, he cannot take his classes online. He has up to 30 credits -about 7 or 8 classes. I imagine she will be in 5 of his classes. You are not depressing me, this situation is. I just don't know how it is going to work.
He will not take a trimester off, I pretty much guarantee that. He is already concerned b/c he is so "old" and he needs to get his career started. He is so adamant about it that he refuses to cut back on the load (30 credits is insane) despite the fact that he failed 1 class 2nd trimester and 1 class 3rd trimester. He is now in 5th trimester.
Yes you are right. I shouldn't worry about this now. Especially today - I have the day off to study for my certification exam which is tomorrow morning. I can't let his messed up life distract me from what I need to do today.
I'm going to have to not allow myself to check the website for the rest of today!!!!
Thanks for the reality check PDT....
I'll try not to worry about it.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
H called last night to wish me luck (again). He had called on Tues night and I talked to him them (and did some damage).
When he called last night, I didn't answer. I guess he felt the need to call again, on the right day.
Today, when I found out I passed, I sent out a text to a bunch of people, including him.
Of course he called to say congrats.
I talked to him, and towards the end of the convo, he said "We'll have to celebrate" To which I said "Ok, talk to you later Bye"
It was kind of odd. I'm sure he wondered why I hung up so quickly. I didn't plan it that way, but I think that my mind was telling me to get off the phonw now - I'm not going to talk about that.
Puppy, I hope you are not getting extremely frustrated with me, but I am sure you are.
I'm guessing I probably should not have let him even know I passed.
Well anyway, there's no reason for us to contact each other now, and I surely am NOT going to call him.
If he calls, I will simply tell that we aren't talking until he's taken care of his mess.
Better yet, I will not answer and then I will sly dial him to tell him that.
Do you know what sly dialing is???
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I am totally contradicting what I said I was going to do.
I said I don't want to talk to him - he is having an affair.
He has not ended the affair and yet I texted him to tell him I passed my exam?
Even if I did that, I should not have answered his phone call.
Puppy, don't give up on me.
I have a really hard time being a harsh person.
But I know it's best for me.
If he calls me, I won't sly dial him and I won't respond. Unless he's calling to tell me that "He's taken care of business" like he said he was going to do. And in that case I will have researched this transparency plan.
That's all for now.
Like I said, Puppy, don't give up on me yet.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
