Hey FIB! Not patronizing at all - coming from you that means a heckuva lot! Thank you!
And thank you for the kind words about being a dad. Just so you know - I thought about the phrase and don't need to carry a stick. I'm going to leave that up to the big fella and trust my heart and myself and be above all of that. I am logging every day though.
The one thing that does get me way down is the eventual loss of time with the kids that you speak about. I will not handle that well. So I am thinking of it this way - eventually they will get older and leave the house anyway - the way to handle that is real quality time - so that is my focus now - quality time.
I am having so much fun with the boys lately. We are closer than ever and do so much together. We had an absolutely great weekend. I don't know where she was, who she was with and honestly don't feel like I care anymore. I just go about my business and am moving forward with life. I do still love her - I want to make that clear. I'm just not going to sit and get caught up in her drama. She's knows where I am if she wants to talk. I still go by the mantra that the back door is slightly ajar. But honestly, if she ever wanted to reconcile I don't think she would be capable of making the changes needed. That's ok. I'm good. I'm so happy about where I am with my family right now - especially my sister - she has become one of my best friends. I just can't believe that I had let that go over the years - but that's part of the new me and I will NEVER let that happen again. And I have reconnected with so many friends I am honestly having a hard time keeping up. But it is those great people that are making this a much easier transition to the next phase of my life.
Tonight our family counselor had requested my W come in becuase the boys have a lot on their minds to say to her. I can't imagine that will go well. But it's not going to affect me - I'm going to the Big East tournament with my client (trying to stay in biz like every one else!). What happens at counseling with her is not my business - it's her issue with our boys. I'm here if someone wants to talk about it.
That's it for now. We have a court date on March 19th. That's the first one. Obviously I'm nervous but I just want to get this thing going if this is where we are going to end up. This limbo stinks for everyone.
I was going to post about more of her treatment of the kids lately including this morning. But I'm not sure yet. The one thing I have to post happened this morning will let you know where her mind is still at. I did my oldest son's laundry last night. When I went to bed I put it in the dryer. When I got up this morning I was ironing my stuff and my son asked if I had finished it last night and I said yes and to just go grab it out of the dryer. My W slept in the basement as she does many nights now. My son goes down there because you have to go through the basement to get to the laundry room. He turns on the light so he can see where he is going and she yells at him - "turn the g-damn light off". He said I can't see though - she yells back - " I do it all the time - it's not that hard - turn the light off". That was the last thing she said to him this morning.
Strength and Honor.
Last edited by mulesqb; 03/10/0901:50 PM.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
mules...I face the same thing as you. I am approaching the separation point and loss of my kids. I think it is why I am having my backslide this month. It cannot be escaped and I cannot run from it.
As for court, nervous is OK. DON'T BE AFRAID. This isn't a jail sentence and you are NOT going to lose your kids. Relax. Find a nook to sit down with a book or crossword puzzle. If you speak with the judge, be respectful..say good morning....and DO NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN THINGS. Answer distinctly....respectfully...no emotions involved and don't try and do any implication stuff. I guess you know the shtick.
Prepare for some bad times/backslides. I've been so great up 'til now. It is becoming more real for me....and the loss of time with my kids is getting closer as my W's anger ramps up weekly towards me. Stay strong in your own sitch.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
{{{Mules}}} thanks for the update my friend..you are, as always, the epitome of strength and honor!! Love how close you and your boys are..hey they don't think you're a "G" for nothing
I know the court date seems looming..but you will get thru it and be stronger on the other side of it! And FIB is probably right, it probably will be much less than you think it is!
I'm glad to hear you are reconnecting with friends and family, which is so greatly needed
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
You sound good. I can totally relate to not knowing where H is all weekend, & what he's doing.
Are you finding it surreal living in the same house & being so detached ?
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
mules...I face the same thing as you. I am approaching the separation point and loss of my kids. I think it is why I am having my backslide this month. It cannot be escaped and I cannot run from it.
As for court, nervous is OK. DON'T BE AFRAID. This isn't a jail sentence and you are NOT going to lose your kids. Relax. Find a nook to sit down with a book or crossword puzzle. If you speak with the judge, be respectful..say good morning....and DO NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN THINGS. Answer distinctly....respectfully...no emotions involved and don't try and do any implication stuff. I guess you know the shtick.
Prepare for some bad times/backslides. I've been so great up 'til now. It is becoming more real for me....and the loss of time with my kids is getting closer as my W's anger ramps up weekly towards me. Stay strong in your own sitch.
FIB
Thanks FIB - I totally get the backslides. IDK - we don't really talk much any more. Thanks for the advice about court - I will keep that in mind. My W changed lawyers yesterday and the one she picked practices right next to the courthouse. So I'm sure that is not to my advantage!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
{{{Mules}}} thanks for the update my friend..you are, as always, the epitome of strength and honor!! Love how close you and your boys are..hey they don't think you're a "G" for nothing
I know the court date seems looming..but you will get thru it and be stronger on the other side of it! And FIB is probably right, it probably will be much less than you think it is!
I'm glad to hear you are reconnecting with friends and family, which is so greatly needed
Tawnya
Thanks T! - If this is what it has to be then I just want to get it done now.
Thanks for the support! You're the "G" one around here!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You sound good. I can totally relate to not knowing where H is all weekend, & what he's doing.
Are you finding it surreal living in the same house & being so detached ?
Hugs
SC - YES!!!! It is very surreal. That's why I do want to sell the house now and just deal with the outcome. Bad memories now and just a depressing place to be.
As far as detachment - it's like we are living in an apartment building and cross paths at the elevator every now and then. But we don't even say hello. The only discussion is about schedule. And never a good bye. I don't want to live like that.
The funny thing is that it was always what was inside her that attracted me to her. Now she is so full of herself because she has lost all the weight (not that she was ever heavy). But what she has turned into is so unattractive to me, I don't feel like I'm missing much any more. It's been so long now it's getting hard to remember what she used to be like and how we used to interact. I hate the way she is with the kids and it kills me that she will have them by herself at times because that will suck for them.
I've been keeping up on your sitch. You sound great and completely comfortable where you are. That's awesome! You have incredible strength and honor. I can't imagine a more uncomfortable place than these in-house seps. Nothing gets accomplished - I think you just get more and more disgusted and the atmosphere is not good for anyone.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
It's good to see you post. I wish you had been able to separate months ago. I wouldn't worry about court. You'll be fine. Your "wife" probably doesn't even want the kids all that bad; they'll just get in the way. Not having your kids all the time sucks, I know, but in some ways it keeps you more focused on keeping that connection, as you are doing now. I'm sorry this worked out so poorly with your wife. It's unfortunate that you have to part more as enemies. There are just marriages that go this way...where the spouse has unreasonable and judgement clouding anger. With a little time apart that will hopefully fade to at least some kind of co-parenting, or at least not animosity.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
It's good to see you post. I wish you had been able to separate months ago. I wouldn't worry about court. You'll be fine. Your "wife" probably doesn't even want the kids all that bad; they'll just get in the way. Not having your kids all the time sucks, I know, but in some ways it keeps you more focused on keeping that connection, as you are doing now. I'm sorry this worked out so poorly with your wife. It's unfortunate that you have to part more as enemies. There are just marriages that go this way...where the spouse has unreasonable and judgement clouding anger. With a little time apart that will hopefully fade to at least some kind of co-parenting, or at least not animosity.
Hey thanks Phoenix - I agree about the separation. I think it would have helped things but she wouldn't leave (thanks to her divorced friend!) and my lawyer was instructing me not to leave. The turning point was definitely the day we were supposed to really separate and she showed back up at the house refusing to leave. I read back on my sitch a lot. There were signs there that things could have happened for the better but that day she had lunch with the divorced friend and our entire interaction changed from that point forward.
We really are going to part as enemies - really hard to understand and hard to believe. I just can't support her the way she is treating the kids. And I can't support her group of friends. They are bad people. And she is turning into one of them. And she keeps saying things about me that get back to me that really are immature. So I will stay on the high road and keep working on myself and concentrating on the kids.
The other thing is you may remember that I was struggling with self esteem. I personally felt I was running to get dates and prove a point to myself and/or her. I don't feel that way any more. I am going to take my time and let things settle here and see where life takes me for a while. I think finally telling friends about what was going on and not hiding from them helped me get over that. My support system is unbelievable. I can handle this now. My priority is being a dad. I can look my boys in the face and be proud of the way I handled things and hope that they see that and are proud of me also.
Strength and Honor.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I can handle this now. My priority is being a dad. I can look my boys in the face and be proud of the way I handled things and hope that they see that and are proud of me also.
Strength and Honor.
Mules, not only do they see this NOW, but I'm confident that they will remember THEIR ENTIRE LIVES how their father conducted himself during this difficult time. You will have opportunities as they grow older, to talk to them and answer their questions in an age-appropriate way, which will further build for them a living model of the words "strength" and "honor" and which will serve them in their own relationships and even their own lives.
This is your legacy, my friend, and legacies endure, even beyond a generation.
