Its been a few days since I last journaled cause of computer problems.
We took the son to see my parents last weekend, and had to act like everything is fine. I feel like its such a lie cause it isn't. But I don't want to tell them anything cause I don't want them to dislike her or have negative feelings about her. And now they are already worried about me being layed off from work now too. So I don't think I'll say anything for now.
But the other day, my wife asked if we could talk a little. I didnt' know what to expect. But she asked what are we going to do about this whole thing. She says she feels like we are in limbo now cause we still live together but so far nothing has been set in terms of whether we D or not. Again, I told her I don't want a D. Again, she tells me that she doesn't feel love for me and doesn't think she'll ever feel it again. And that she is 'healed' from her IC and self soul searching about what happened with us. And she can't see herself with me because of all the baggage and negative feelings from before.
So from there I tell her that she really isn't completely healed if she still feels that way toward me, and that there is obviously some resentment toward me still in there. And maybe that is a block on why she can't seem to 'let me back in'.
She asks for a timeline/deadline on how long we should keep doing what we are doing, cause she doesn't like this living in limbo status. I tell her that if we set a deadline, I know that she will just be killing time till then to get it over with because thats what happened with our MC. She set a 6 session deadline, and actually only made it to 4 before quitting.
Then she suggested that she move out, and I said we can't really afford it right now. And she agreed. She said she could live at her sister's house and just come visit our son on the weekend. And I asked if it would be good for our son, and she said probably not. But then she, not me, suggests that maybe we just live like now, I don't bring up anything about our R, and we can try to get a babysitter every week or so, and try date nights again.
I was happy to hear that, but at this point I dont' know if she really means it. I mean, she's not willing to do anymore MC, so I don't know if she even really wants to try to see if she can find feelings for me again.
But then again, last night, my son and I called her around 6pm, to see when she would be home for dinner, and she said that she was about to call and tell us she would be going to dinner with a friend. I was kinda annoyed and slipped alittle, and sounded disappointed on the phone. And I even asked when she'd be home and with who she was going to dinner with. But its cause I feel like that she is trying to live like she is single, where you can just do whatever at the drop of a hat, but she can do it cause I'm here to watch our son.
If she is running late, she asks me to take our son to daycare though she usually does it cause its on her way to work. And I pick him up everyday, so she now comes home whenever, or has last minute plans for dinner with other people and calls to say she isnt' coming home for dinner at the latest possible time, and after I already made dinner. Or she has to meet friends for breakfast on the weekend, and just goes and leaves me and our son at home. I mean, I don't mind staying with my son, cause it's my son. But it feels like me trying to be a good husband/person is allowing her the freedom to actually pull farther away from me.
I'm still trying to just focus on myself and becoming a better person for myself, but I tell you.....it's hard. I miss her so much. I was really feeling down last night cause I was missing her so much, though she was in the same room.
