Hi Hope, Sometimes all you can do is nothing at all. Let them get their fill of each other and see that the grass is not always greener. I think you have done a wonderful job of going dark. They haven't had any interference from you at all.
Hang in there my friend.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Well D28 talked to H about 1/2 hour today. H is upset about D15 refusal to see him. Did not expect this, worried about her, did not want me to have to raise her myself. Wants to be part of her life (as in part-time????) blah blah blah. D28 did tell him that he needed to step up to the plate and do his part. Why hasn't he called her teachers, school, counselor etc. What is he doing to be proactive? (nothing except whining poor me - )
H told D28 he was going to see D15 even if she was not talking to him. He bought her a St. Patrick Day card (after totally blowing it for Val Day and not giving her a gift which he has done since she was born) and said he was going to bring it over to her and sit with her even if D15 does not say a word.
How do I handle this? I know D15 will blow up if H just makes an appearance here and I don't want to mention it to her in case he doesn't. As usual H does not want to do any of the "real work" of trying to meet D15 ENs. Only his own. What should I do?
Last edited by hope3343; 03/10/0905:20 AM.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Let it happen. It's his mess, he will have to deal with it. She will probably get out a lot of the venom that is building up inside her. Let him take the brunt of it. He needs to see what his actions do to the people he cares about.
Let it happen. It's his mess, he will have to deal with it. She will probably get out a lot of the venom that is building up inside her. Let him take the brunt of it. He needs to see what his actions do to the people he cares about.
Couldn't say it better, why would you want to fix his doing? I've had some great advice over the past 12 years and the number one point made is never bad mouth the other parent. The kids will draw their own conclusions no matter how you might try and spin it.
Be the consistant one!!!
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Hope, I agree. He has made this mess. Let him clean it up. You can not be his fixer. This is the life he chose. He chose for you to no longer to be part of it, let him see how it is.
You have a good bond with your daughter, don't break it.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I agree with the others. You cannot fix him or his mess. Unless there are consequences, then he will keep on doing these destructive things. Letting him experience consequences is good.
As for D15. As the others say, you can take the high road and not badmouth H. She is no fool and can figure most everything out. She needs to feel the anger and process her hurt and broken heart. Give her your support and give her space to do it.
Father and daughter need to go through this themselves. Try not to get caught in the middle, it's no fun. If he wants to come over and sit with her and face the music, I think it's terrific. At least he is doing a little something.
He is in a very self-absorbed place at the moment. He sees D15's rejection of him as illogical. He can't understand it. So let D15 explain it to him. You don't have to say a thing. Let them communicate. The best thing to happen is for them to start communicating again, even if it's a confrontation. It needs to happen sooner or later so might as well be now. D15 holding it in is not good for her. She has a right to his explanations. She has a right to know why she was rejected as well. Because that is how she sees it. Your H doesn't understand that. He thinks he's just rejecting you. Not the family. She needs to tell him so he can understand the FULL implications of his actions and decisions. Until he suffers some consequences, he won't reconsider his actions.
I am sorry that you have to see your kids go through so much pain, Hope. It's not fair to them and so unnecessary. But I know you are a good Mom and doing your best. You can't control their actions (Daughters' and H's). Just have patience with everyone, that is all you can do.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Wow -- all in agreement. As Moms you know we can turn into lions protecting our cubs. But you are right, not going to try and smooth the path for him and his actions. He tends to avoid confrontations so I am not sure if he will follow through on his latest idea.
I know he will come to me first and try to "get me on his side" to help him with setting up the visit. I will take the high road and tell him if he wants to come fine but I am not telling her anything.
Got D15 report card last night and went to see her teachers at Open house. They all told me they noticed a big improvement in her class work (focus) and her grades have gone up since report card grades were in. I had been in to see the counselor at school and talked to all her teachers when H left. Now you have to understand this kid was an honor student and is in a university prep program where she earns college credits. Her grades were 78, 65, 73, 63!!! I can't ground her because I know how she is struggling with this Divorce and she feels abandoned by her father. This year has been h#ll for her.
She is also in a speech class and last night she asked me to print off a survey for her. I asked what her topic she chose..."divorce". OMG. I think she is using this as a step to deal with this. It has had such a profound effect on her. Do these selfish WS realize the pain they cause to their children?
Appreciate all of your support and agree with your answers.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope, You are right that it profoundly affects the children. Too bad the WAS doesn't see it. All they can see is that they are so unhappy in the current situation, that once they get out then everything will be fine.
My H once even told me, "I've got to be happy too". Wow, it's amazing they don't care at whose expense.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I agree Yoyowife. They think they are so unhappy they need to escape their pain, that their escape will solve ALL of their problems. They know their actions will have impact but they've come to a point where they don't REALLY care. But hopefully Hope's H is now suffering the consequences of his choices and hopefully on his way to seeing the WHOLE situation, not just his own POV.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I pray that H does not stop caring for his D15. Even SIL said he really is screwed up if he is not worrying about D15. They were so close before. She used to say he was her hero. (brings a tear to my eye). Now he is just a selfish alien. Well more truth darts will be arriving soon with D papers asking for financials. What he thinks he is getting is not happening. Won't be enough to pay his credit card bill.
I see H today at meeting and the meeting was moved into a conference room right next to wear the plastic pinata sits. I put on high heels today (I never wear them) with black crop pants and new top. The guys in my office told me I looked great today and was I going on an interview, so that is a good sign! Will keep you posted. It will take all of my effort to not go over to her desk and pour a cup of coffee on her head. gggrrrrr
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
