(and by the way I am feeling ok today) the answer or the way forward is quite simple and it involves a few DB cliché but they are very fitting. (I'll come to those later).
Lasts nights talk didn't go the way I wanted to, it involved a bit of shouting which is not normally me but it felt good to get a few things out in the open. The negatives that came out of the conversation is W thinks it's ok to have male friends secret or not and nothing is going to change that. I could shout at her till I'm blue in the face but it isn't going to change. The conversation ended when I said you can't suddenly introduce me to Mr X and say this is someone I've known since I was 7 but never made mentioned him before. For some reason she didn't like that.
The positives for me, (and these are not her words but my interpretation), is that if I lead she will follow, but I have to lead all of the time. She mentioned a number of things which pointed to me not leading and getting sloppy and lazy again so I have taken that on board. Another thing is I said we need to talk more, W replied that I always wait for her to instigate talks or I wait for a crisis, (which is probably true). A lot of times I do wait on W and again this is part of me not taking the lead . So despite the shouting I did listen and listen well, all basic DB stuff.
This prompted me to think I'm going about it all wrong, I need to stop chasing W, stop trying to turn her into the perfect wife and making her the centre of my world and just concentrate on me again and turn me into the perfect me. I need to focus on me again, GAL and take back the responsibility for making me happy (where have we all heard this before.).
So that's leads to the long term Lan plan which is GAL and get happy and that will happen with or without W. I am not going to act like we not married cos we still are, and I'm not going to think about dating, cos that would be wrong. But its all got to be about me moving forward and GAL, just as I would have to do if we did split. That's the little light bulb which came on in my head.
Kerry,
W and I are programmed differently I could have sex all days every day given the chance, for W it seems to be whenever she's in the mood, which isn't to often these days and hence a lot of my frustrations stem from this. W used this angle to say that I was paranoid and was always thinking because we weren't having sex she must be having it with someone else. For me I still have in the back of my mind a lot of things that were said during the ILYBNILWY speech that included how I wasn't attractive and was fat, ugly and disgusting. However last night she said this wasn't the case. But yes, part of me is still paranoid.
So at the moment W holds the key to that department and me fighting to get the key or access to that department is a big issue.
