stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

(((BND))),
thank you for your reply.
I didn't see it, because H came home and I had to leave BB.

We had a R talk again, I initiated.

I told him that I want him to leave. I was kind and friendly but very firm. I honestly WANTED him to go and leave me alone. I didn't sleep properly since he "returned". I had a meltdown over his marathon talk with OW yesterday. I was walking on eggs once again, something I was hoping never to do again. I've had it and told him so, without anger. I've told him I'm not waiting for him to make up his mind. If he decides to come back and I'm still available and willing to try, we can try. Until then I want him to disappear from my life for real. We don't need to communicate so often, our D18 is adult and he doesn't have to report to me about their interactions.
H said that he knows he's crazy. He KNOWS that the the madness will be over. May be in a year.
I said, ok, we'll talk about it in a year then.
He had tears in his eyes.
I had none. I smiled at him and patted his hand.
I've told him that I still love him, but I have to take care of myself now. For my D18 and for my mom. They need me.
We were talking for three hours at least and it was getting better and better, much lighter than in the beginning.
Then he said: I want to stay and try. Please.
And I said, well, if that's what you really want... Fine. You can stay.

I don't know what will come out of it, but our interaction was good and he was sincere. He said he's addicted to OW as he's addicted to smoking and drinking. He even suggested that we should go back to Asia, away from her, and stay there for another couple of years!! He was the one who hated it there and wanted to come home.
I said, I will think about it.
Actually, I like the idea.
If I can find a good nurse for my mom, I can go.

So far so good.

One thing bothers me, though.
He dropped all his former accusations.
His complaints about our M turned out to be MLC crap.
All but one. He says that our sex life was never great. He says he was SS for many years, and what he's got was neither enough nor satisfactory.
He wants to be M to me. He loves me. We are meant to be together.
He doesn't feel any pressure from me and feels good around me.
BUT - he wants to have sex with her and not with me.
That's his main fear - that our sex life will never improve.
He frightened me.

I think I will start a thread in SSM as well.

Thank you (((all))) for listening.