Blech. I know where you're coming from Red...I found a "hi" text from OW yesterday, first time I've looked at his phone in MONTHS. I also find it difficult to balance my need for transparency with the need to let the past die, not keep dredging it up.
However, I have found lately that if I just ask, he'll generally answer. I haven't yet about the text.
I hope you find some peace...you're right about not forgetting or trusting. Forgiving is something else. If you're still feeling pain, I think you need to look more at the forgiveness side. It is possible to remember without feeling daggers all the time. Does that make sense?
Of course, that all hinges on whether or not your radar is going off justifiably.
I usually can remember EVERYTHING w/o too many daggers. It still stumps me though as to how he could have acted & said the things he did to someone he loves, but at the time I guess he didn't think he did. Plus he had someone else fueling his fire.
I did finally ask if we are "ok" and guess what folks he said we're just fine & dandy but then had to add that I needed to "f'ing chill." Nice huh?
I've got some thinking to do.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
It still stumps me though as to how he could have acted & said the things he did to someone he loves
I know. I had this convo with an acquaintance going through the same thing today. It's something you may never figure out, and even if you could, it's not relevant to here and now...provided he stays on the straight and narrow. I know it would be nice to wrap everything up with a neat bow and put it away, but it just isn't the way life works.
Quote:
he said we're just fine & dandy but then had to add that I needed to "f'ing chill."
Nice. Way to allay your fears. Is this typical? Keep your eyes open hon.
Ok, last night I knew something needed to happen so I went out & rented Fireproof. My thoughts on the movie itself was that the acting was horrible & the movie seemed very "B movie-ish," however, I guess it did it's job.
He, of course, asked why did you specifically rent THAT movie tonight.
I told him I just don't feel like things are right right now. I asked if he was talking to someone else. He swore that there isn't anyone else & I do believe that.
I know he loves me & cares a lot about me. I also know that maybe a lot of it is thinking about the past. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes it does still come out in me & I know I have never really dealt w/ it, but I don't think I know exactly how to put it away completely.
Ok, so I'm thinking things are just going to improve from here. I know I have a lot of work to do, but that's life & we all know how much "work" an M takes.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
RED.... Buy the book... I am not / was not a big "believer" but I will tell you this.. Doing these L.D has changed ME.I am not sure if it is so much just the LD but also a little NMMNG and GALing and DBing all thrown in together. AND faith... faith in yourself, faith in your spouse..And faith in God or Buddha or whoever / whatever you believe in. My wife is not a believer, She does not know that I am doing these LD's. But I think she has seen a change in me and I too have seen a change in her. Heck at least if will give you something to do for 40 days..
Take care Red.. We have come along way.. I remember those nights you and I stayed up late together.. (Here that is).. We talked allot. Get the book.. Dr Love
Love is not a place To come and go as we please It's a house we enter in And then commit to never leave
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Going to Vegas in September for the Def Leppard, Poison & Cheap Trick concert w/ ALL GIRLS. Got H's permission on that one. Yahoo!!! Man, I haven't been "away" in over 8 yrs by myself like this. The last time I went to Vegas w/ friends, I had to come home early b/c H was having panic attacks. That was back when we only had 1 boy!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
"I know I have never really dealt w/ it, but I don't think I know exactly how to put it away completely."
Have you ever tried to deal with it together? You need your partner here. Have you let him be your real partner on how to handle the pain? Has he managed to be your real partner on dealing with the pain? Or, have you been too self-protective too allow for that kind of intimacy? Has he been too defensive to see your pain in itself rather than just the way it reflects negatively on his own actions?
Can you say: "Sweetie, I forgive you the A. But I still hurt. This isn't about you, it isn't about more recriminations, it isn't about tearing you down. It is about me and my pain. I want to hear that you hear me, that you understand my pain. I want reassurance that you love ME, that you want ME. I want you to tell my why I'm not stupid for trusting you. I want you to comfort me and help me feel secure. I want to not feel scared that you will run away if I show you my pain. Because as long as I can't show you my pain, I withhold part of myself. I hide myself from you. And because I hide myself, I ache for intimacy of a kind we can't have, intimacy that is deep because we reveal ourselves to each other."
Take a leap. You will never heal from this on your own in a life in which you continue your M. Show yourself.
