Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[Puppy Dog Tails]

EG,

Largely (totally?) unspoken in all of this is the awkward question of . . . um ... well, I'll just go ahead and ask it, since I'm not exactly known as "Mr. Sensitivity and P.C." around here anyway:

What do you believe your wife's sexual orientation to be? Hetero/confused? Bisexual? Lesbian? What?

That's kinda key to the decision-making process, isn't it?

If you've addressed this before and I just missed it, I apologize.

Puppy

[spellfire]

PDT,

According to her original post, EG is aka Catherine. Hopefully that clears things up for you a bit.

[hopefulinEG]

Yes, I am also a woman. So she has not "switched sides" with this affair.


I would put my name in my signature but I keep running out of characters. Is there at trick to putting a link and other info in the signature?

[hopefulinEG]

Wow this is so difficult keeping my mouth shut. I can't stop thinking about them and pictures of them together keep popping into my head.

My friend told me I have to stop thinking about the Why's and How's and she is totally right but that is easier said than done. I want to know how it started and why. So many questions. I know I will never get answers. I right them all down in my journal and I now hide my journal under my mattress so she can't find it. If she has been lying so much I'm sure she is probably snooping too.

I just wish I could sit down with her and say W I know that you and OW have been sleeping together for 4 months. And then see what she tells me. She would probably be very relieved to have it out.

But I can't do anything until she signs the papers because we have to keep everything amicable.

-Catherine

[hopefulinEG]

From W's friend that told me about the affair I know that W and OW's relationship is very stormy. I now realize that all the anger and bitchyness that W has is really about the OW and not about me. I think she is pissed/unhappy about that and trying to pick fights with me to get her anger out. That makes it easier to ignore it and/or validate her feelings. She has definitely been surprised when I didn't take her bate.

I am also feeling a lot of sadness right now. I have a hard time not crying at work or in front of my children or W. I know this will get better.

I am also so much wishing that she will realize OW is so bad for her and will come and confess to me and want to get back together. Even with all this betrayal I can't stop wanting her back. I guess that is a good thing for a possible reconciliatin later but not any easier for not being sad all the time.

-Catherine

[hopefulinEG]

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I cried a lot and defnitely had a big pity party. I feel like I am going through the grief I felt at the beginning of all this over again. I was just getting to where I could not think about it all day and have fun again and now I am back to square one. Maybe it will be shorter this time. I hope so.

I am also struggling with not telling her I know about the PA. One one hand I want her to know that I know how much she betrayed me and I have a hope that when she knew I know she might reveal that she regrets everything and just didn't know how to tell me and fix . And I also feel guilty for deceiving her and being manipulative. I know she has lied up and down and manipulated me but that doesn't make what I am doing feel right either. But the consequences of telling her and what she might do in panic could be very bad.

Today I am working on trusting the universe and trying to forgive her. When I think about those two things it helps to stop both the anger and the sadness. The universe has never let me down so far. Everything that has happened in my life was for a reason and I ended up somewhere better. It is hard to imagine how this could make things better in the long run but I have to trust that it can and will. I bought a ring today and am having it engraved with Trust the Universe inside to help remind me of this.

~Catherine

[spellfire]

Protect yourself first, then do what you feel is the right thing. This must be so hard, please hang in there.

[hopefulinEG]

Thanks Mike,

I know that is what I have to do. It is going to be a long month.

[hopefulinEG]

So weird night. W is really super pissed off tonight. She told me that 1) her survivor group with OW has been permanently canceled and 2) She was told by 2 people today that there is a rumor at school that she has had affairs with 3 different teachers.

So #1 made me think that maybe she and OW had a falling out and that is why she is so pissed.

#2 She apparently thinks I started the rumor. I swore that I did not and that I wouldn't. And if I had started a rumor it would have been about OW not some other random teachers. She seemed to be satisfied with that. And I really did not start any rumors. It is ironic thought since they aren't that far off because she is having an affair with someone at school.

So friend that told me about affair told me the W really is paranoid and really thinks I started the rumor. She said she wants to get the F$ck out of this house so she doesn't have to see me on a daily basis. Other than this rumor thing we have been getting along fine. She has been mostly nice even. I try to tell myself that it is the guilt talking and such but who knows. Also if OW did dump her she could be taking that out on me.

I so need to stop trying to analyze what she is thinking. I never get it right. lol

[hopefulinEG]

From my observation and what friend told me W said, W seems to hate me so much and can barely stand the sight of me and wishes she could move out.

I so want to ask her what did I ever do to make you hate me so much. I have been nothing but nice for weeks. She still mis-interprets what I say periodically but not enough for this vehemence.

Feeling very dis-heartened today. Feeling like giving up and telling her to move out so I can move on with my life.