Mindblank #2 - "Stuck as friends..."

[ernest88]

Walking away many times can be the BEST thing to saving your marriage.

I did all the wrong things initially, but ended up doing all the right things, over a span of 2.5 YEARS. People comment on my relationship with my kids, my family and extended family loves me, my friends want to be with me, my church respects me. My kids' teachers cry for me, and sympathize with me. My kid's coaches look up to me.

My children are 6 and 8 and inherently know that I'M doing the right thing.

I completely lost my strong personality in trying to save the marriage. I really truly found myself last month, and I did it by "walking away". I'm not leaving my marriage, and I love my wife very very much - more than I ever have.

But I completely cut off communication with her because she is having an affair, and I feel like I'm finally doing the right thing.

If your personality is lost, or you've lost yourself, than something isn't right, and you haven't saved anything.

You can't save your marriage without saving yourself first - hear this from someone who's been doing this for going on 3 years now!

Booyeah!!!!

[AJM]

Mike, we'll have to agree to disagree then.

Changing yourself is done because you are trying to save your marriage. It's possible in the process to find out that you have no marriage. It's possible to find out that you won't come back from the detachment. But it's not the goal. It's not the reason.

I read your post to mean for her to walk away. To let go. To do things for herself and herself only.

I don't think that's the right thing to do. I can totally relate to the idea that she talks about: she just cares for him. She's in love with him and it's totally not natural to just detach. It won't happen easily. It needs to happen at some point. I agree with that. I just disagree with the reasons or the goal.

The goal is to save her marriage. If that means holding her breath and detaching (for real) then so be it. It's a risk all approach because you have to mean it and you have to be prepared for the outcome - regardless of what that is. I view GAL process as a run-up to that moment. But I view that moment as a last resort before insanity sets in.

MB - you may be best served by detaching. That's true. But you have to get to that point in your time IMHO. I suspect that it will help when you do detach as it changes the relationship and is a 180, no?

My $0.04 worth.

AJ

[mindfull]

OK, I think I was having a temper tantrum.

I did a quick search on Mars/Venus, and will buy the book. You're right. He IS a DAM! A DAM PAIN! And, he needs to come out of that DAM MAN CAVE before I fill in the entrance/exit and he's stuck there to rot!

I feel better now.

I thank you all.

BTW, I did just did this while on a conference call. I'm sure I was brilliant.

[ernest88]

Mike, we'll have to agree to disagree then.

I feel ya..

Changing yourself is done because you are trying to save your marriage.

if your here to change yourself to save your M..then IMO your are game playing..the changes won't last and you are doomed to fail..the only hope you have is lasting change..the changes have to become habit and second nature..

It's possible in the process to find out that you have no marriage.

I think you figure that out before you ever get here..

It's possible to find out that you won't come back from the detachment.

LOL...detachment IMO has nothing to do with you not coming back..detachment is all about unconditional love... letting go enough to know that no matter what happens you'll be ok...letting go enough to let them get there chitt straight and you not spin in the process..

I view GAL process as a run-up to that moment.

and that's why the WAS can detect that you are not sincere in your changes....

So save your M, then just stop what you were doing and go back to what you were...

But I view that moment as a last resort before insanity sets in.

the insanity began when the WAS started walking away...

Ahh..it is what it is...

I understand a Newbies apprehension...I was the same way...it took me a while to get it..now I do and I'm the better for it..

[mindfull]

OK, I GAL tonight, AFTER I did the Mom's duties.

Went for wine w/the 6th grade mom's crew... AFTER we had a b-ball game, soccer training, and the "incoming" 7th graders open house! God! This was all for ONE child! I have three!

It was fun. My hair looked good.


PS - MIKE, I've decided to NOT call H while he is gone during the week (even once per day - which was a huge 180). He called later tonight. I was out having wine. Decided I would him back later. It's a small step, right? I wouldn't have let it go to VM before! I'm sure was txt'ing D17 asking if I had broken my phone or something! She's a kick. When I got home she was telling me about this boy that is paying attention to her (he's an Abercrombie model, MOM! Ok, right...) and asks me what to do now that he is txt'ing her telling her she looked hot today at school. I told her to we're doing something DIFFERENT, D17, we're mastering the art of being mysterious. (I'm an open book. Wear my heart on my sleeve.) Told her to watch and LEARN! (OK, now I need something to show her.) I started tonight. Calls to VM, and no initiating ANY calls unless there is a specific purpose.

[Sam1007]

WOW! A lot of heated discussions going on here!!

I guess my opinion is somewhere in the middle of our friends Mike and AJM. I think the trick is to "lovingly detach". I think I have finally gotten there after over a year... To me, it feels like unconditional love for my W (like mike said). And by unconditional I mean that I will be loving even if she's not returning love. I will not let her moods and words affect how I feel about her. I also do not rely on her to make me happy, I know I did and that was a huge problem. That is how it feels to me at the moment. I think the difficult part is to detach and still keep the door cracked. The WAS needs to be able to peek in and see all the fun you're having! If you close the door completely, then how does the WAS know if they want back in?

I think you have made a EXCELLENT first step by just going out and having fun. It's good to be unavailable sometimes. If it makes you feel better, just pretend that your phone was on the charger in the car or something else completely plausible. Then when you get back to the car, you see the missed call and you can call back.

The thing to keep in mind with the advice/opinions you're getting here is that everybody's sitch is different and for someone whose WAS is having an affair, like JDOllie for example, you have to push the unavailability almost to ignoring the calls for the WAS to notice. (Read his thread and see how that is working the last couple of weeks). But in my case (and I think yours too), completely ignoring your spouse would be going too far. You are the only one that knows how far you need to go for them to notice. The point is to make them realize that your life does not revolve COMPLETELY around theirs. You have to show them a life that they want in on! And you will be making yourself happy in the process.

[ernest88]

I guess my opinion is somewhere in the middle of our friends Mike and AJM. I think the trick is to "lovingly detach". I think I have finally gotten there after over a year... To me, it feels like unconditional love for my W (like mike said). And by unconditional I mean that I will be loving even if she's not returning love. I will not let her moods and words affect how I feel about her. I also do not rely on her to make me happy, I know I did and that was a huge problem. That is how it feels to me at the moment. I think the difficult part is to detach and still keep the door cracked. The WAS needs to be able to peek in and see all the fun you're having! If you close the door completely, then how does the WAS know if they want back in?

I think you have made a EXCELLENT first step by just going out and having fun. It's good to be unavailable sometimes. If it makes you feel better, just pretend that your phone was on the charger in the car or something else completely plausible. Then when you get back to the car, you see the missed call and you can call back.

The thing to keep in mind with the advice/opinions you're getting here is that everybody's sitch is different and for someone whose WAS is having an affair, like JDOllie for example, you have to push the unavailability almost to ignoring the calls for the WAS to notice. (Read his thread and see how that is working the last couple of weeks). But in my case (and I think yours too), completely ignoring your spouse would be going too far. You are the only one that knows how far you need to go for them to notice. The point is to make them realize that your life does not revolve COMPLETELY around theirs. You have to show them a life that they want in on! And you will be making yourself happy in the process.

the above post is exactly what you need to be doing and thinking...forget Love Dare..forget Light his fire....forget about a plan to savwe your M or something you MUST be doing..

if you do the above....then you are well on your way to being a happy person..no matter the outcome..

want some....then go get some..

[ernest88]

I did a quick search on Mars/Venus, and will buy the book.

The main reason I wanted you to get this is for you to understand Man speak...you think you may know but you really have no clue into the mind of a DAM..

he has no clue into the mind of a DAW either.. read the book and you'll understand...you'll also see why he has no clue about women..

[AJM]

Strange things is, I think we were trying to say the same things all along.

This last was well put.

AJ

[ernest88]

Strange things is, I think we were trying to say the same things all along.

to a point..

the quicker you all learn that WAS's are pretty much full of chitt..that they all follow a script and say the exact same things..(the only difference being whether OP is involved or not) then you'll speed forward faster than those plane crash survivors on Lost...

WAS's are Batchitt crazy...I've even got an X-ray of Kim's skull to prove it..

the main difference..emotional detachment..stop seeing hope in every word they utter...LBS's are like little puppies waiting to be fed..we sit there all pie eyed waiting on the WAS to feed us some little positive sign that they are coming back...just take care of yourself...

they are f**ckin crazy.