Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

[[[[[[[[[TCBTE, BND, BM, & GG]]]]]]]]]]]

I can't thank you enough, my very dear friends, for your endless warmth and support. I have tears in my eyes right now, but they are not tears of sadness really, but tears of hope and gratitude for the great blessings I have in having found so many true friends throughout the past year, and you are all a big part of that. You have all helped me to be stronger and to begin to believe in myself in a way I never have before.

I feel like I am on the brink of something......I am seeing so many possibilities in my life and it's very scary, but exciting too.

I finally had a conversation with J(my old Jr High flame). He apologized and had a good excuse for not having called me. I told him that I was very vulnerable right now and to please not "play me" or say things he didn't mean. I told him I had no idea how to be "mysterious" and play the "dating games", and he told me that he meant everything that he said in his e-mails and he really did want to see me. He told me about his own divorce and how it took a couple years to come out of the depression and realize it was a blessing in disquise. I told him that that was the gift he had given me with the sentiments he expressed in his e-mails. He made me see that there was possibly a life and love out there for me, and I couldn't thank him enough for that.

This is a really sweet man who is devoted to his kids (coached softball, volleyball and soccer for all three of them for years, while playing on 4 adult teams himself!). It seems that the more that he says, the more I think this guy can't be for real! It's way too good to be true. He told me he would call me this evening, and I teased him and asked if would really call, and he said he would. Well, something else came up, but he called to say he couldn't call as planned but would try to call later and if he couldn't, he would definitely call tomorrow!

I actually did tell H about J in our conversation yesterday. I told him that if he even had any tiny remote inkling of the possibility of looking at our M in the future, then I would like him to tell me now, because I did not want to hurt anybody. I know H saw this as telling him that if he had an epiphany down the road, I would come running, but that is NOT the case. If I were to give my heart again, I would be faithful to that without a doubt. I don't want to make a mistake.

I really don't mean to sound like I am jumping at another relationship, but I have to admit that it does feel very good to know that I can feel this way about somebody other than my H, and that there really is a possibility that I could be really happy even without my H. That knowledge is so empowering!!!

And among other news, my brother is apparently not ever going to speak to me again.......he thinks that my telling him that I did not appreciate him smoking "weed" with my S17, and telling him to not be around him if he couldn't be sober, was blaming him for S17's problems. So, he's not speaking to me now. And my Mom is defending him. This is very annoying because both my brother and my Mom have lived with me for 4+ years (not at the same time) and I never asked for rent or anything! And now they can hold against me the fact that I told my 50 year old brother not to drink with my 17 year old son!!??? There's something so wrong with this picture, but I am not buying into that drama any more. I know I will talk to my brother eventually and we will set things right, because I don't do the disowning thing!! Family is family to me and that's sacred! But, I'm not doing it right away.

And just to add a little more spice to the pot of my life, I am going to take a class at the local community college. I am going to take Chemistry, because it is pre-requisite for their nursing program. I don't like my job. It pays well and is secure, but it's boring, and really stuffy. I started to do the pre-reqs for nursing 15 years ago when we moved here, but ended up going to work instead because we needed the money. It's a scary thing to do, but I want a job I really like doing and feel like I am doing some good! I figure I can do the pre-reqs, which will take a year because they have to be done sequencially, and if I still want to do the nursing school then, then I will.

So, lots of thoughts spinning through my head, but not in a bad way. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I greet it with an open mind and heart.