Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[No Longer BH]

I wanted to take a few moments and post my thoughts on my journey. Saturday it will be a year ago that he moved out. A year ago that my life completely changed and the fairy tale ended. I can remember believing that I could not live with out him, that I would shrivel up and die. Then as time passed, I knew I would survive, but still didnt really want to if he wasnt going to be there. Those feelings then transitioned into not wanting him to survive, to finally where I am today - only thinking of him as a sad little man that is truly broken.

I have found myself in this journey and have found my happiness. You never truly see how lonely you are in an empty relationship until others step in and give you the love you were missing. I thought when OEO left me I would never be loved again. Well the truth is I am now loved more than ever, my definition has just been changed. I have connected with my friends in a true and meaningful way that was lacking before. I always reserved that love for my husband. Now I know better.

In the begining I focused only on what a wonderful marriage I was losing. I could not understand how he could break us apart when we were so obviously soul mates. Later, I only focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. How could I have been so blind to how selfish this man has always been??? Now I realized that for 17 out of our 20 years together, there were good and bad. I am glad to have expierence the positives with him, and am trying to learn from the negatives, both his and mine. I learned what to look for next time around and what to stand up for as well. No longer will I play second fiddle to my own needs. No longer will I allow my boundaries to be crossed. They are there to protect me and my love that I give out.

From this site I have learned how to focus one minute at a time, then one hour, one day, one whatever. I learned to do what I needed to do just to cope and then to grow and finally to live. I am not the same person he left. I am better an more fulfilled. Ironic how the person he left bloosomed back into the person he fell in love with, but this time even stronger and healthier. He put me into a crisis that forced me to learn. It made me see the things in myself that I didnt like and then change them. I am glad I was given that gift, still hate the paper it came in. He, on the other hand, has digressed and has fallen even further. He craves the "fun" friends as to the meaningful ones. THey are easier to maintain and require little giving. I know that I am the last person he will have truly bonded with because he no longer is capable of be able to give of himself in that way. It is sad for him, but it actually helps me to know that I was the best thing that happend to him and he will never have me again. It gives me closure to know this and that I will be the one who is better off.....h#ll, I already am.

Its funny, when I first came here I refused to believe that my husband was following the same script as everyone else. I thought to the core of my being that he truly was different......didnt we all though? I got the same ILYNILWY speech that everyone got. I was told how this was all my fault just like everyone else. I even found out about there being an OP, just like most of us here do. For some reason, it still didnt click. For any newbies that might read this, they are all the same, they truly are. What finally convinced me was when we were having a conversation and he told me that he just had not been happy in the marriage for over ten years. I smiled inside and thought to myself "I was wondering when that little speech was going to happen. Guess now it has."

The ugliness that they exhibit is pretty standard as well. When I filed for divorce because he refused to attend MC with me and told me he wanted our R over with, he pulled his money and tried to cut me off. When I would act like his friend in hopes of establishing R, he was your typical cake eater.....loving the attention both women were giving to him. He would lie to my face, steal things from the house, and always play the victum no matter what the situation was. H#ll, I was fighting cancer and he STILL managed to make everything about him. Then, when I finally went NC, darker than the blackest night, wow did the meaness start.....threatening to try and take my child away from me, draining every penny from the bank account, trying to force the home into foreclosure, utilities getting disconnected.....its a wonder I didnt go mad. If I would not have had this site, I probably would have crumbled into a million pieces. Instead, all the strong LBS here helped me to keep standing and to keep fighting.

So here I am....a year later. No longer affraid to get divorced, actually looking forward to it. He, on the other hand, has now become the one to drag things out. Gee, isnt that in MLC the book as well? Once reality starts to set in on what divorce life is going to look like, the MLCers try and avoid facing it because it becomes too overwhelming for them. <Sigh> Guess it will eventually get done, that is what my lawyer is for. I need to read the script again because I dont know what comes next. From what I remember it is one of two things......he marries his OW as soon as possible and lives an empty, sad, shallow life that eventually becomes full of regret......or........they crash and burn and he shows up on my doorstep begging for a second chance (that is if I dont already have someone else). These two situations I have prepared for and both are the same - dont focus on his life at all, only focus on mine. He is no longer allowed to be a visitor in my kingdom. This princess deserves a prince and when I am ready, I will find him. Enlighten Fools my not apply!