How am I going to deliver you a mountain size of love? How'd the oceans connected by a straw get something through? I might need some time to remember Need some time to remember
Hey yeah, it's automatic when you know it Hey yeah, it's automatic when you feel it
When do I lie down Get to see the world inside your eyes? How can I reach out And hold on to the joy you've got inside?
Hey yeah, it's automatic when you know it Hey yeah, it's automatic when you feel it
Got some I want to feel it every hour 'Cause I want to get into you
Hey yeah, it's automatic when you know it Hey yeah, it's automatic when you feel it ------------------------------ Weezer - Automatic
In those first 5 years of bliss with Mrs. Cinco, it was automatic. There was no effort in our relationship; it felt right because it was right. We were right for each other, that's why we married. Then I don't know what happened to us. She began pushing me away when our daughter came into our life. I guess I allowed myself to be pushed aside.
I have been waiting all this time, many years, for the intimacy to return to our marriage. The "nice" part of me keeps me in a marriage that is no longer working normally. It's very hard to be intimate with someone that is pushing you away and has a barrier up, we both have barriers up really. My insecurities keep me here though, "If this woman doesn't want me, then why would any other woman want me either?" Those same insecurities also kept us apart.
I am working hard now to retrain myself to become confident and self-assured again. I was this way long ago but by seeking approval from my wife, my ego was wrecked when everything I did never seemed good enough and I let her down. Worse, I thought I could compensate for the things that became lacking in our marriage with things outside of it, by drinking, nights out with the boys and carousing. What was I thinking? Doing those things put even more distance between us.
Instead of an integrated whole man, I had become two. One was the bread winning husband/father, which to the outside looked normal. The second was the secret scoundrel addicted to sex, alcohol and porn. I was spiraling downward.
I want to be whole again and I think all along that is what W wanted too. Even if she didn't know quite how to put it into words, it is what our problem has been all along.
When I'm whole once again it will be automatic.
Here are links to all of my threads that I have posted here. The ever-growing link list:
