Thanks Kat. I think you are right that I need to not even think about them. I think when other people call or ask that it takes me right back to them. I guess I probably need to just cut the conversations off? So you found it better to not tell other people. I think you might be right b/c I don't like talking about it, I feel ashamed at times, and then I feel added stress from other people. And nonetheless, even though I don't like talking about my S, I still do, especially when people ask about H. Sometimes I'm great about not telling though.
While I was still working to save our marriage, no I didn't talk about it. Now that it is over, it is like letting off steam. I had held it all in for so long, only a couple people knew the real story, not the one he was telling.
I was ashamed too. i felt like I wasn't good enough to keep my H. But you know what, after he filed, my Dad told me that he had a couple people come and tell him that my H was with someone else at such and such a place!! Chances are that he was rarely faithful. After his first affair 17 years ago, he never wanted to talk about it or address why/how it happened. It lasted for 2 years. Needless to say, I never really got over it and never fully trusted him again.
I don't need someone like that in my life. He went away because he wasn't good enough for me, not the other way around(like I felt and thought). I am worthy of being loved and respected and if H couldn't do it than good riddance. I think you should start looking at it the same way.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey, this is the place to vent!!! We all vent here from time-to-time and geez, with all we go through, of course we do!!!
Vicky, I agree with Kat. I had a period of time early during the separation where I didn't tell anyone and then they would ask me how H was and what was he doing b/c he wasn't there, etc. So I was having to make stuff up like he was at work instead of with OW!!! I felt a lot better when I started being able to be honest and truthful. Everyone was very supportive. At first people did treat me like I had cancer, lots of pats on the back and concern, but that has gone away and now people are more normal with me. I do try to just tell close friends and family and not passing acquaintances, but sometimes I do, and darned if they haven't been through the same thing as me. And give me more support. Anyway, just think honesty in limited doses is prob. the best policy, but do what makes you most comfortable.
Don't focus on the OW and how much they are in love. I think from my time here, it usually seems more like an addiction, and within 6 months to 2 years, betcha it wears off and reality sinks in. Some of OW's good qualities he describes sound a bit controlling to me, and might wear on his nerves after a while! I personally believe that OP for one, don't have usually as good morals and values as the LBS have, not as much faithful or loyalty. You know if they'll cheat with your H, they might cheat with anyone in the future. So if you're looking at that as the foundation of a R, it doesn't seem very positive. The OW in my sitch has been married 3 times and cheated on her 3rd with my H. Both married and with kids. Do I think that R will last? Nah, but too bad. I just focus on me and the kids. I realized at some point I deserve to have a nice, faithful loving guy. So do you!!!
I am a huge believer in GALing. I keep so busy doing stuff with me and the kids that I don't have much time to focus on OP. Plus when you're GALing a lot, I find you get more self confidence and optimism too and positive feedback from others you're GALing with. So what GALing are you doing lately? Karen
Good question Karen, it actually made me think... so my GALS:
1. I travel for work here and there, so that's nice when that happens. I was in Wash DC earlier this week. 2. I get busy with our investment property... we rent out the place for parties as well. But that's with H and that is one of the main reason we still contact. 3. I exercise at work like 3x per week - gets me home about 8/9pm.
Not much else after that. I feel like I've been pretty busy visiting family and going with my sisters now and then. But now that I've done this list I think I need to add some more GALs in my life. I usually get home about 8/9pm. I was thinking of volunteering someplace or taking a class. I think I will look into that.
H and OW have been together now on and off for over 5 years. I think that it has gone on so long b/c H has always had me to provide for him and to give him the stability he needs. I know in my heart he needs to just be with OW without me in the picture for this to all blow up but I can't help but feel like maybe it won't. A big part of H's fascination is with his son (he loves kids) and I do get scared that what if they have another child. But I guess I have no control over that do I.
Those all sound like good GALing, but volunteering or taking a new class would be great. Really help improve your PMA and confidence. I have to exercise too, that's a really good one. I've found when I slack off a bit, I'll feel more stressed out and have a harder time sleeping and stuff. I want to start doing weights, I know I need to, I just never have gotten into that much!!! Karen
Hi Karen, thanks for the encouragement. I will try to add some other GALs to my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough when I have those moments of feeling lonely and angry.
So, yesterday, I had a few thoughts in mind that I so wanted to express to my H. In the past when we lived together I would have immediately called him to let it all out. But I was good enough to not call. Was pretty close to though but thank God I did not. I figured why bother, it will not register to H anyway. So I figure that I would share these thoughts with you guys.
1. So H and I have our small little endeavor going and were going to work on his business next. I saw him working this weekend at our invstment property and he was doing such a good job. Anyway, I was thinking about what him and I always talked about that we make a good team. I did X (the financial part, the planning) and he did Y (the fixtures and handling the rentals). Anyway, it made me think about H always complaining that people think all our accomplishments was because of me, which it was not (I am more responsible but H was a great support and he absolutely did his part. The fact of the matter is that is have such low self esteem himself and was so weak that he had other people come in and break up us. He bought into they saying that the X I did was more important than his Y. Bull crap, we both handled our crap. And people being who they are did not want us to succeed so of course they played in the weaker people. Total divide and conquer tactic. I remembered when we got married that the pastor prayed that let them be a force to reckon with and now what.
2. H says that it only bothered him when I started to say the same thing about all that I have done and that everything was because of me. But I think it was more a vicious cycle. I did X and he did Y, he started to think Y wasn't good enough and treated me like crap so I brought up but I've been doing Xxxxx.
3. Then H said to me last week that he knows he didn't handle things well with OW and his son. And that he wish that people would have supported him more. But this weekend I was thinking that H is like George Bush, and H and I are strong Democrats. (sorry Republicans here). He made a mistake and went into Iraq thinking that they are weapons of mass distruction, found out that it was a mistake, and instead of owning his mistake and working to correct it, he changed the plan and made it about bringing freedom to Iraq, and inturn killed thousands and made things are worse off than before, and now almost everyone hates him. Same goes to H, he started the A, had a child, instead of admitting the mistake and working to correct, he stayed on the same track with the A, and now has gotten deeper in, made things worse, lost the support of his family and mine, and now wants support and is upset that he hasn't gotten support. Like Bush, if they had just owned up to their darn mistake, then we all would have supported and work to make things right. Oh, how I wish I could share this analogy with my H.
4. H talked about how I think I am better than OW (which I'm sure is her talking) and other people because of my accomplishments. You know... f- that!! At first I was feeling a little funny and constantly defending myself about this to H. But I just should give a rats ass. It's only because her and H don't have anything bad to say about me. Since they have no complains, it now oh she thinks she's better than people. All my friends and family think I'm one of the most down to earth people. Darn I don't even like uppity people. I carry myself with a certain level of dignity and I admire progressive people but in no way do I look down on people. I know my H knows that. And he has been the one encouraging and uplifting me. Just excuses.
Anyway, I decided to vent here since I don't want to vent to H who will believe and buy into whatever give support and reason for his A.
Please I need help IMMEDIATELY. I so feel like calling my H to tell him how much I miss him and love. I was about to pick up the phone and decided to come here instead. I need a good reason not to call. Pleaseeee. I've been doing a good job of going dim but this morning I called him to tell him something about my doctor results. When I called he didn't answer and then called me right back. It was funny that he asked "you called me? By accident right?" I haven't been calling him much at all and he noticed. But I want to tell him instead that I miss him sooooo much at home. I want him back. (But, I don't want him back with OW still in the picture, I just want him.)
Please convince me not too. I know I shouldn't call but I am dying to....
Put the phone down. No need to undo any progress you have made. Nothing is going to make a person run faster than someone who is clingy and needy. You would sound like that even if you didn't mean to. Keep talking here, tell us what you would say to him just to get it out.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Please I need help IMMEDIATELY. I so feel like calling my H to tell him how much I miss him and love. I was about to pick up the phone and decided to come here instead. I need a good reason not to call. Pleaseeee.
You mean BESIDES that you've been trying this way for over a year, and it's not working, and you know in your GUT it's the wrong thing to do and will make you look weak and pursuing? BESIDES that??
I just felt like telling him I love him and I miss him and I miss him at home and I can't believe we have come to this and that I miss our teamwork and prospering together and we have so many plans for the future and the house that we had so many plans for... Nothing I haven't said before. I think its just that we have been so dim that I feel so detached from him and I feel like I am losing him completely and I miss talking to him and holding him and sleeping next to him. I don't like being alone in the house. It's so lonely. God, I know none of this would make a difference to him probably but that dim hope that it will. But I feel so apart from him like never before in 15 years. Actually I'm sure that I want to tell him these things not to make a difference to him but for me to reconnect with him. I jeep trying to remind myself that when I feel detached he does too. But I guess he is so much stronger than I am b/c I don't even know how he is doing it being away for so long. We have a beautiful home and now I heard he is renting a room. HoW crazy is that.... I WANT MY HUBBY HOME!!!!
