WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

Spellfire,

I never take what you say as harsh. I take it as feedback that can only come from someone who cares can actually give. I do strongly appreciate your insight and 2x4's.

Your masculine comment really is an ironic one. Prior to this, all my friends and family, with my wife included, would have always said that I was a "tough guy". Don't stand in my way if I want something because it's going to happen. Unfortunately, I would make it happen regardless of other people's feelings/emotions. That's why the Nice Guy book is so freaky for me now.

I am generally upbeat and positive, particularly as I've been using my new mantra of whatever. I had been managing my sad/hurt emotions around her so I don't feel them around her. The only backslide I had was during the counseling session for a few minutes when I was talking about my stuff. I was able to get it back together after a bit.

I know the day is coming where I will have to let the tough guy out again. With my wife pushing me to come to the table for the custody agreement and the separation, the boundaries I have set had been that I will not have the kids be bouncing back and forth between houses. Not until the divorce is final, and that's another 96 weeks. I already pushed her button when I told that the only way I can afford the house is if I keep custody and she pays child support. She had gotten really upset about that.

I'm planning on being more of the tough guy when it comes down to planning the "fun things" to do during the weekend. That was something that we batted around last weekend when she wanted me to focus on moving foward with the custody and separation, rather than trying to enjoy life. I told her that I'm taking the kids to do these things with or without her. I want her to come, but don't need to her to come. Either way, I will enjoy life.

The part I'm struggling with, and perhaps this goes back to letting out the tough guy, is pushing back without making it be a full scale argument. My tough guy approach had always been you push me an inch and I'll hit you with a bat to move you a foot. Don't think that's ideal in my situation with my wife, but need to create the balance.

I'm also trying to balance the tough guy approach with respecting my wife's boundaries (i.e. sexual touches) and creating an enviornment where she feels safe (stray cat theory).

The last several days had been so filled with ups and downs:

Down - Tues nite she surprises me by moving into the spare bedroom

Up - Thurs nite we're intimate again

Down - Thurs nite - during intimacy, she hits me with the "hates my ffing pnis you ahole" comment

Up - Fri nite she kisses me on the lips a couple of times when she gets home

Down - Sat/Sun says she can't see the relationship ever working,

Up - Mon we have a fun time during dinner before marriage counseling

Down - Mon during marriage counseling reiterates to counselor that she only feels negative for me and can't get let go so the relationship can't work

Neutral - Mon on the way back from marriage counseling tells me she thinks that I'm only changing only because I'm following a script from a book

Up - Tues morning she gives me a kiss on the lips before she leaves work

With the ups/downs, I try detach my emotions from her, but sometimes it's hard not to feel something - particularly her pnis comment...

I'm glad to see you back on my thread. I do appreciate your 2x4 smack.