I just went out and got the mail and there was a letter TO ME from a divorce attorney. Not sure if anyone knows this, but where did this person get my name/address and know my situation. I called, but they were closed for the night. I sent her an email asking how she came across this info. That's all I needed today was some lawyer offering her services to end my marriage. The only thing I can think of is that my wife's lawyer gave that information. If that's the case, I am FURIOUS.
If your wife did file at the courts, it is a matter of public record. There are D lawyers looking for work who check all the records to get clients.
That means she did file, and you will need a lawyer to respond.
This is the time to hang tough, rant and rave on this site and to whoever will listen. Get it out, so you can be reasonable and rational when needed.
Remember, she did meet with the lawyer who is probably just getting around to filing - that's all. She has had one month of change to reconsider and it will still be coming - right? Take a deep breath, take a walk, see a movie, take your girls to the park and breath again.
But I don't think she filed. If she filed, I needed to be served correct? I wasn't served. She told me that she didn't sign anything and that everything would be filed 90 days from when she talked to me. Unless I'm confused about what exactly filing is? She did get something from the billing department of the law office, but I assumed that was for initial consultation.
huh.
I thought maybe her lawyer gave my name to a lawyer. I guess I'll wait and see.
Wait and see. Call them today and find out how they got your name. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. And really, is there ever a good time to get that kind of crap in the mail?
They got my address because my wife filed on March 6th. I asked her about it and she said that she told her lawyer not to have me "served" until the 90 day point.
I was a bit upset, but didn't yell or get worked up. I was a little cold for a bit, but I'm better now.
DEEP DEEP BREATHING, that's what you need to do. Go for a walk, get out of the way, do NOT fight with her now. And remember BE HAPPY AND POSITIVE. Act as if this never happened. Think about it, if she sees you upset and acting sad it's not going to work the way you want it to. She is going to get mad and take it out on you because she feels bad. She's going to push for a fight so she can justify what she's done. Now, don't go and give her a gold star, but do NOT break down. Do not give up hope no matter how dark it is. According to DR, it's time to get into LRT. You CAN do this. You CAN save your marriage. I think she is confused. A filing is nothing and can be pulled back easily.
No, I didn't break down. We had to pick up my daughter from school and take her to the doctor. We got along fine. She didn't bring it up and neither did I. However, inside this has really discouraged me. Even though I knew this was happening, I can't believe that it really did. I'm not angry with her, I'm just really sad that she has done this. I'm staying as upbeat as possible, but I really can't see how we're going to come back from this. If she filed, then she has committed herself to the idea. This is coming from what I know about her, not a general assumption. If she is committed then it is difficult to break her of it.
She said that she told the lawyer to wait 90 days. The lawyer was going to give me a packet with the terms and if I agreed with them I sign them. I told her I didn't want the packet until the end of the 90s. I'm not sure, but that sounds to me like being served. If I am served, then that cuts my time in half and it is most certainly finished. I don't think she understands the "serving" thing, but if she gives me terms to sign, then that to me is being served.
First of all - awe..... on the boy and girl - what a blessing! They sound adorable already. What a proud parent you must be when you are away from all of this D stuff.
Second, deal with your feelings here, while walking, etc. Being sad is ok IMO. Did you consult with a lawyer about the rules? I thought one can file, serve papers whenever, and then once they are signed I thought it was 90 days from the signatures. In our state there is a 90 day waiting period after the papers are signed in which the D can be revoked or cancelled or whatever they do to stop it. I don't know the time period for serving and the time line after serving for signature. Then there can be the waiting period.
All in all, being sad is normal! Don't worry about it - don't hide it. Just don't mope, whine and complain. Women really hate that in men. I feel awful for you. Share your sadness and feel awful with you. Will check in later.
The way that I see it we made a very conscious choice to start a family. There were no accidents, etc. It was planned.
So, in my opinion, it is up to us to fulfill the obligations brought about by that decision. As I have said a bunch of times before, I have done nothing that would put anyone in danger, so it's not like by staying married either her or kids are in any sort danger. We do not fight in front of the kids, nor do we use the kids to get at one another, so its not like they are suffering on that front. I know that she is unhappy, and that is not good for the kids, but I still standby the fact that her unhappiness will not end with our divorce. I also stand by the idea that while there is definite changes that need to be made, nothing that is wrong with our marriage is unfixable and she does not have to give in to a life of misery. In fact, I believe that both of our lives, and thus the lives of the kids, will be much worse after the divorce and if she could just hang in there a bit longer our lives will improve drastically. I am very seriously considering sitting her down and telling her this. I have figured this a hundred different ways, and none of them (financially alone) work out very nicely. However, if I figure out if we stay together things can only improve. And this is just economic. I can't get into emotions because I cannot tell her how she feels or will feel, but if I were taking it to Vegas I would say that when all of this settles, her depression etc., she will be in a much better place building a life with her family than trying to hold things together alone. That being said, the kids will bounce back and forth and lack the solid foundation of a family as a source of stability in their lives. Plus, kids are kids, and my daughter is already pretty good at trying to manipulate us separately to get what she wants, I can only imagine how well her skills will improve if we live in separate houses.
All that being said, I look at it like this: 1) Things have been getting better recently. Not perfect, but better. 2) Though it is filed at the courts on March 6th, she had filled out the paperwork in mid February, so this isn't a new development. She also seemed as surprised as I was to hear about it, so I don't think she fully understood what she did. I think she told the lawyer to wait 90 days and the lawyer went ahead and filed and I will be served at that time. That being said, I have 60+ days until I am served.
3) She seems to be more upbeat lately, which I can attribute to the medication. She has been a lot more talkative and seems generally more concerned with what I think or say about things outside of the D. However, my biggest concern there is that she will associate this new attitude with her moving forward with the divorce.
4. I can sleep when I'm dead. Or...I can't throw in the towel until the ink is dry on the papers. I have my kids, myself, and even her to think about. If I give up now, I will never forgive myself. That being said, if I somehow manage to pull this off against the odds, things will have to be different this time. Too often she's called it off and things drifted back to where they started. If I can get her to stop this mess, BOTH of us need to make the marriage work without the stipulations and limitations that usually seem to follow. Every time we've come back (remember this is going on 3 years now) it's been on her terms, with her list of things that I need to do. Even if I accomplish them, it doesn't matter, because the first time something goes wrong we're back in D mode. That can't happen. This time we need to sit down and actually tell one another not only what we want out of a marriage, but out of life. Those are the goals to work towards. We've basically been spinning our wheels for the past 5 years, grasping at everything to make ends meet. We both have been starved emotionally and spiritually and it's time that we worked towards attaining those things, either together or separately, and stop depriving ourselves of those basic but important needs.
