A lot of the things you have noticed about him are classic MLC symptoms. I would be careful pressuring him for anything right now. Work on yourself. Mike made you realize something, so try to figure that out. While he's dealing with his MLC, work on yourself. You can't help him with that anyways.
I would be careful pressuring him for anything right now. Work on yourself. Mike made you realize something, so try to figure that out. While he's dealing with his MLC, work on yourself. You can't help him with that anyways.
great minds think alike
I would GAL..I would GAL myself silly..I would GAL myself into a coma every chance I got..
months from now you'll have an epithany... and understand why I told you that..
moving forward is not that hard actually..I've done it twice...your life does not end...
it begins...
just take a step, then another, then another...
I'm rooting for you..I'm pulling for you..not to save your M
Mike, I have to say that is somewhat disconcerting and discouraging.
MB *WANTS* to save her marriage. I don't think she needs to walk away. I'm not saying it won't happen, but it certainly will if she does not get the encouragement to keep going.
It's not over. Pride only hurts for a little while if I'm wrong, but walking away from the marriage will likely hurt for a lifetime. At least if you have to wonder if you did the right thing or not.
GAL - certainly. You deserve it. Walk away? I don't think it's time do you?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wow, I log on today and see all kinds of feedback.
Mike, I AM GAL!!! I do all kinds of stuff for me, only me, and on my own me... My problem is the detaching. You can't just "do" that.
I'm f*cking pissed off! I'm one flood-gate away from a major emotional meltdown at any given moment! I CARE! I know what has pissed him off in the past. I know what went wrong.
In his mind, I always pushed him into homes, cars, vacations, etc... (he was uncomfortable with the decision, but did it to either keep me happy, or shut me up)
In his mind, I wasn't there for him, once we had our boys.
IN MY MIND, he's probably RIGHT!
Then, once all of this surfaced, he chose to punish me, instead of working on it with me. He said he was moving out after the 2007 holidays. Then, INSTEAD of moving out, he just stayed... never TELLING me he chooses to stay, never TELLING me he will attempt to work this out, never TELLING me he's just staying in the house for the kids, just BEING. But in the meantime, he's PUNISHING me! How? Sleeping in the same bed, but f*cking light years apart. Standing next to me at all kids events, with a cement wall surrounding himself, CHOOSING to work out of town M-F, etc...
And, I try and try and try for almost a YEAR! Emails, phone calls, text messages, gifts upon gifts upon gifts... I try to SHOW him I care, and I'm sorry! I try to SHOW him none of this matters, just us.
So, I break down, find DR, and begin this journey.
Some of you think I'm at this a very short time. SINCE NOVEMBER...!!! Sure, things have GREATLY improved. I mean HUGELY, HOWEVER, without someone who is willing to let you know if this is helping, just making things tolerable, looking forward to us a little bit more, THERE IS NO GAUGE AND NO HOPE!
I'm sorry. I can't detach. I'm emotionally tied to this man. I am IN LOVE with him, always have been since the moment I laid eyes on him.
It tears me apart to be so far away from him. It would completely destroy me if I found out he was unfaithful and that someone else had been allowed "in." I feel like he's broken my trust in him... not in our marriage vows (because I really don't think so)... My trust in him with my heart. No matter how much we could build and grow, I'm not sure I'll ever feel secure in our M again.
It just f*cking sucks.
And, I repeat. I have not found a way to detach. I'm not sure it's in me.
Last edited by mindblank; 03/10/0905:21 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Sam... I appreciate your continual checking in on me. I just read your thread recently. I admire your ability to offer support to others. I feel like a self-centered miserable twit.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I didn't come to this site to save myself. I came to save a marriage. I was attracted to this site because it said... The Place Where Marriages Become Stronger and More Committed. It said... It's Never Too Late To Save Your Marriage, etc...
However, I understand the concept of needing to be saved, as well. Because not all marriages are saved.
You are right. It is NOT time to give up and walk away.
I, merely, need a place to boo hoo, complain, get pissy, etc... I don't have anyone in RL to talk to. Blonde soccer mom w/beautiful home, luxury car, darling children, great stay-at-home career, school volunteer, country club member... Who would understand? Who would believe my strong personality would be this crushed?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Walking away many times can be the BEST thing to saving your marriage.
I did all the wrong things initially, but ended up doing all the right things, over a span of 2.5 YEARS. People comment on my relationship with my kids, my family and extended family loves me, my friends want to be with me, my church respects me. My kids' teachers cry for me, and sympathize with me. My kid's coaches look up to me.
My children are 6 and 8 and inherently know that I'M doing the right thing.
I completely lost my strong personality in trying to save the marriage. I really truly found myself last month, and I did it by "walking away". I'm not leaving my marriage, and I love my wife very very much - more than I ever have.
But I completely cut off communication with her because she is having an affair, and I feel like I'm finally doing the right thing.
If your personality is lost, or you've lost yourself, than something isn't right, and you haven't saved anything.
You can't save your marriage without saving yourself first - hear this from someone who's been doing this for going on 3 years now!
MB *WANTS* to save her marriage. I don't think she needs to walk away. I'm not saying it won't happen, but it certainly will if she does not get the encouragement to keep going.
It's not over. Pride only hurts for a little while if I'm wrong, but walking away from the marriage will likely hurt for a lifetime. At least if you have to wonder if you did the right thing or not.
GAL - certainly. You deserve it. Walk away? I don't think it's time do you?
first off..you should re-read..I never said for her to walk away.
If you are here to SAVE your M then IMHO that is not what DB'ing is all about..DB'ing is about saving yourself..
People come here just for that..One thing on their mind..to save their M...if you've read the books then you'll see that "changing" is the only possible way that your WAS may come back...if they like the changes they see then they may come back..
it's truly up to them...once you "let go" and "driop the rope" then you'll see it...
until then...The WAS will make you spin..you'll ride the coaster..and they will know it...that's the only "power" they have...that's why they control the sitch...
So AJ...re-read...I never said walk away..I said GAL and move forward...there's a big difference..
I didn't come to this site to save myself. I came to save a marriage. I was attracted to this site because it said... The Place Where Marriages Become Stronger and More Committed. It said... It's Never Too Late To Save Your Marriage, etc...
and this is why the vast majority fail....IMO
you were attracted to this site because the webmaster loaded the following owrds into the search engines when he put the site up.."SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE"..so we search ont heinternet..we are brought here..the support is awesome but we just can;t get those words out of our heads..."SAVE OUR MARRIAGE"...that's why we fail..we flounder..we let our emotions control us..we don't detach...
and detachment is the key detachment is the only chance their is IMO..
My problem is the detaching. You can't just "do" that.
sure you can..it just takes some longer than others..
Quote:
I'm f*cking pissed off! I'm one flood-gate away from a major emotional meltdown at any given moment! I CARE! I know what has pissed him off in the past. I know what went wrong.
you're assuming you know but in this next sentence
Quote:
In his mind, I always pushed him into homes, cars, vacations, etc... (he was uncomfortable with the decision, but did it to either keep me happy, or shut me up)
you show doubt..SO..was he doing this to keep you happy?? Or shut you up??
Quote:
In his mind, I wasn't there for him, once we had our boys.
IN MY MIND, he's probably RIGHT!
I would guess you both got comfortable..it's par for the course..the wife gets all nesty..the husband thinks once the kids are all here then it should be couple time again...but then says screw it when tyhe W won't get with the program..
Quote:
Then, once all of this surfaced, he chose to punish me, instead of working on it with me. He said he was moving out after the 2007 holidays. Then, INSTEAD of moving out, he just stayed... never TELLING me he chooses to stay, never TELLING me he will attempt to work this out, never TELLING me he's just staying in the house for the kids, just BEING. But in the meantime, he's PUNISHING me! How? Sleeping in the same bed, but f*cking light years apart. Standing next to me at all kids events, with a cement wall surrounding himself, CHOOSING to work out of town M-F, etc...
you really need to read Men are from Mars/Womnen are from Venus..he's a DAM...
Quote:
And, I try and try and try for almost a YEAR! Emails, phone calls, text messages, gifts upon gifts upon gifts... I try to SHOW him I care, and I'm sorry! I try to SHOW him none of this matters, just us.
and how did that work out for you?? he moved away..distanced himself even more..pressure, pressure, pressure..
Quote:
Some of you think I'm at this a very short time. SINCE NOVEMBER...!!! Sure, things have GREATLY improved. I mean HUGELY, HOWEVER, without someone who is willing to let you know if this is helping, just making things tolerable, looking forward to us a little bit more, THERE IS NO GAUGE AND NO HOPE!
you have hope because ..you have no papers in hand...christ on a pony..
Quote:
It tears me apart to be so far away from him. It would completely destroy me if I found out he was unfaithful and that someone else had been allowed "in." I feel like he's broken my trust in him... not in our marriage vows (because I really don't think so)... My trust in him with my heart. No matter how much we could build and grow, I'm not sure I'll ever feel secure in our M again.
that is telling...
Quote:
It just f*cking sucks.
well...I think how bad it sucks is determined by how you look at things...the way I see it..in your sitch there is much hope...but all that hope depends on what you do and how you are and "act"
Quote:
And, I repeat. I have not found a way to detach. I'm not sure it's in me.
detachment is a bitch....
I am the KING of GAL by the way...
detachment starts with worrying about you and not about him..
