Thanks girls, "sisterhood of the hungry beavers", LOL!
Just came back from the C. I did state my objection on what she said Sat. She said what she meant was that I was partly responsible for not getting what I needed from him while giving more than what I should be. she said if we dont request what we want, nobody will hand it to us. I wasnt exactly satisfied by her detailed explanation but I dont care anymore.
I told her what happened. She said "ok, now let it go". You made your decision, it's done. Her only "worry" is that "what if he indeed never had an affair with her? Why would he come back if he wanted her?" I explained my reasoning and that if that was the case, he should at least show some compassion which he never did, and I find that not loving at all. And I dont like my feelings being belittled or disregarded. That, THAT is essential for the type of relationship I want. She agreed. She said she agrees with my thinking.
Then we did the triangle of relationships. No surprise for me. I am ruled by the idea "I am not doing something well enough, I am not as good as I could be". She said, that is the reason of my anger now and maybe she is right. That I am angry at myself cause I am thinking maybe if I had done that or this things would be different. Or even if I had not agreed to try things would be different for me and my kids by now but I wasnt careful enough, smart enough,etc etc when I agreed.
She said there is no reason to go on Saturday and I agreed. She told me to start thinking that whatever I have done was the best I could under the circumstances and that I should not be so strict with myself. I want to do that. I need that. I am driving myself crazy doubting my actions of years ago to today.
I did my best. I did all I could and fought as hard as I could. The result is what should be. There is a reason things happened this way. I have got to trust the future and what I am capable of. I need to shake off the fear the guilt towards my kids and the anxiety I feel when I think of tomorrow. I am not a bad person. True I can be a PITA, but I can be very loving and usually I am caring and thoughtful about people around me. I dont think of ways to hurt people or be antagonistic. I am moody, maybe a bit silly at times, "crazy" when I get passionate about things, but I never wanted to hurt anybody. Not stbxH and NEVER my kids. I had no idea things would become like this. I was a romantic thinking love is all it takes. Because that is all it took for me to accept to live with less than the bare essentials in a relationship. I landed on my face, crashed. I spend months asking the same question over and over "how the hell did this happen to US?" My head knows why. Everything else still fights the answers. I guess accepting the answers would mean accepting what my C said :under the circumstances of the past, we BOTH did the best we could. Did we? If this was our best, I cant even begin to think of what our worst would have been...
I hope it is easier this time. After all,I am a veteran now. I really need some sunshine... K
