Mindblank #2 - "Stuck as friends..."

[mindfull]

Wow, I log on today and see all kinds of feedback.

Mike, I AM GAL!!! I do all kinds of stuff for me, only me, and on my own me... My problem is the detaching. You can't just "do" that.

I'm f*cking pissed off! I'm one flood-gate away from a major emotional meltdown at any given moment! I CARE! I know what has pissed him off in the past. I know what went wrong.

In his mind, I always pushed him into homes, cars, vacations, etc... (he was uncomfortable with the decision, but did it to either keep me happy, or shut me up)

In his mind, I wasn't there for him, once we had our boys.

IN MY MIND, he's probably RIGHT!

Then, once all of this surfaced, he chose to punish me, instead of working on it with me. He said he was moving out after the 2007 holidays. Then, INSTEAD of moving out, he just stayed... never TELLING me he chooses to stay, never TELLING me he will attempt to work this out, never TELLING me he's just staying in the house for the kids, just BEING. But in the meantime, he's PUNISHING me! How? Sleeping in the same bed, but f*cking light years apart. Standing next to me at all kids events, with a cement wall surrounding himself, CHOOSING to work out of town M-F, etc...

And, I try and try and try for almost a YEAR! Emails, phone calls, text messages, gifts upon gifts upon gifts... I try to SHOW him I care, and I'm sorry! I try to SHOW him none of this matters, just us.

So, I break down, find DR, and begin this journey.

Some of you think I'm at this a very short time. SINCE NOVEMBER...!!! Sure, things have GREATLY improved. I mean HUGELY, HOWEVER, without someone who is willing to let you know if this is helping, just making things tolerable, looking forward to us a little bit more, THERE IS NO GAUGE AND NO HOPE!

I'm sorry. I can't detach. I'm emotionally tied to this man. I am IN LOVE with him, always have been since the moment I laid eyes on him.

It tears me apart to be so far away from him. It would completely destroy me if I found out he was unfaithful and that someone else had been allowed "in." I feel like he's broken my trust in him... not in our marriage vows (because I really don't think so)... My trust in him with my heart. No matter how much we could build and grow, I'm not sure I'll ever feel secure in our M again.

It just f*cking sucks.

And, I repeat. I have not found a way to detach. I'm not sure it's in me.