Vdad is confused!

[Vdad]

Okie Dokie,

Most of you who have been here awhile are familiar with my situation. Quick summary:

1. I broke my wife's heart last year when I had an EA with HS GF. She tried to fight for our marriage but I was in fog, severley depressed, and continued to be an angry jerk. treated her badly, horribly.

2. She finally reached her breaking point and asked for D. I woke up and realized I was losing the woman I truley loved, everything.
3. I did everything wrong, didn't know about DBing, ect. ect.
4. She had EA with HS BF. I broke it up. It's over now.
5. We separated. She began new "friendships" with various OM. This was a boundary for me and confronted again.
6. She now insists on D.

What I am confused about now is how to handle where I am at now. It has become obvious that going too dark only makes the situation worse. Obviously, I have come to understand that I have no control over this. I have learned to detach from the "friendships" she is developing.

We had a very honest conversation today and here are the highlights:

She shared with me today that I broke her heart. I knew this already but this is the first time she has verbalized it. She has been very matter of fact up until now. I told her that I loved her with everything that I am and I just wanted her (this is not good DBing I know but seemed the appropriate thing to say today). She told me that I said just the opposite when I was in EA . I said I know and that I know that I had caused the start of the breakdown of our marriage. I will always regret that decision regardless of the screwed up state I was in at the time, there were other choices I could have made.

She said there is no going back to the marriage. I told her I could understand that and if the old marriage had to die and something new in time could be between us I would be open to that. I hope it won't come to that (in my mind) but trying to get right with it possibly happening. She went on to tell me she will never trust a man again. I validated her and said I hope that it isn't permanent for her own sake regardless of what happens between us. She said I wouldn't want her with where she is at right now. I just listened to that one.

Basically I need some advice on where to go from here. We ended in a much more positive place than we have been. It seems like we are headed towards D. My old patterns were to withdraw. Going too dark may not be the best path. We have 50% time with the kids. We need each other financially right now. Obviously the "believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see" rule should probably be my mantra.

I guess I need you all again to help me find the right path and some insight from those who have been in similiar situations to mine... Sorry for the long post but I needed to set the stage properly.

V

[DCBHM]

Sounds like you are communicating at least. I'd be friendly, work on yourself, keep open communication, and just be there when she needs an outlet. Show her you care about her needs, and work to better yourself and she'll have second thoughts. I wouldn't try to ask her if she notices your changes (she will) or if they are enough to win her back (she'll say no) but you just need to focus on that and see what happens.

[Vdad]

DCBHM,

We are communicating. We even talk about what brought us here. Her message about the M being over comes out fairly clearly. It's the "other" comments such as "I'm not ready for that" or when she gets very emotional about her pain that confuse me. She has also said things like "you don't want me with where I'm at".

She is making a lot of male friends right now and going out frequently with GF's.

The friendlier I make it the more responsive she is. Maybe this is normalizing for her. However there seems to be a lot of buried emotion and feelings for me in there. My thoughts are if I ever want to reconcile with her it will require more patience than I've ever shown in my life.

Finding the right combination of dim/dark but allowing her to see the real change in me is the difficult part...

[whatdidido]

Patience is an understatement.

I think she is happy that you are talking to her while she is doing things she shouldn't. In a way it helps make her feel ok about it. She says you don't want her the way she is because she is making bad choices that is against you and your marriage and she knows it. Getting her to open up is good. Make sure you don't let her think what she is doing is ok. Offer help.....Retrouvaille, counseling, books, etc. There IS hope. She thinks there is none.

[Vdad]

WDID,

I agree, but I think I need to stay away from confronting her regarding any of her new "friends". All it does it set her mind on pursuing it more as it is taken as control.

She knows I can't stand all of this "friend" activity. I have been clear on all of it. However I think a 180 for me now is to back off and see if she can work through this herself. At the same time if I can start to rebuild our connection as friends it may bear some fruit.

I will keep everyone updated as we amble on. We actually have an appointment today together to finish some finacial stuff and are going to sit down after.

Any suggestions for this in terms of how to interact?

V

[Puppy Dog Tails]

WDID,

I agree, but I think I need to stay away from confronting her regarding any of her new "friends". All it does it set her mind on pursuing it more as it is taken as control.

First of all, the whole "You're too controlling!" thing is just affair fog B.S., so I wouldn't worry about that. I do think there are ways to convey that "I am NOT okay with this!" without having to continually confront. But completely backing away from it does send a message that you're OK with it, in my opinion.

We all say (as you did), "Well, I TOLD her thus-and-such, and she knows where I stand on the issue," but the truth is that they also judge us mostly by what we DO (and DON'T do!!), and not what we SAY.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Puppy,

So in the "what I do" catagory. Also due to the fact I am weary of confronting as it has had the opposite effect, where do I go now with the doing part?

She has literally convinced herself she is "D" at this point (Myspace, emails, ect.). It feels like I have little choice but to GAL, go with GOD, and be open to her as she travels this road. If asked in conversation, emphasize I am not OK with all of the activities, but not focus on them?

I have been up and down with her emotionally which she didn't like. I definately need to be more even keel when conversing with her and upbeat. She told me yesterday that she just wants to "be" for awhile. She told me she gave me my space when I was going through my junk and no one/me wants to let her have the same space. I just listened to that one...

The doing part has me baffled right now. I do think that regardless on what she does I need to work on my life specifically and worry less about what she is doing. Detach more so I can function again and heal..

V

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Vdad,

I'm no expert on the issue. My marriage was saved by just 2 things: love and the grace of God. My W and I have been very happily back together since early Feb. No issues or bumps. She continues to say that what brought her back was the way I refused to give up on her and the way I continued to love her even when she wasn't loving me back. She also has a relationship with God and she and I both continually prayed throughout our ordeal. This may sound trite, but the night before my W came back to me I prayed and said to God that I believed he would heal my marriage. I had said that many times before, but that was the first night that I actually believed it. Continue to love your wife. Find ways to show her love without being lovey. In other words, don't buy gifts, try to go out on dates, or call her honey, but be there for her, listen to her, do small things that she would recognize as your love for her. Also, PRAY! I don't know your beliefs, but I know that whether or not you believe God does exist and he wants us to reach out to him in prayer.
Keep your head. You seem like a good man, I wish you the best!
WP

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Continue to love your wife. Find ways to show her love without being lovey. In other words, don't buy gifts, try to go out on dates, or call her honey, but be there for her, listen to her, do small things that she would recognize as your love for her.

I tried to do this as well; I call them simple "acts of kindness" or "acts of love." I'd do things like pull my wife's car in the garage for her at night (she hates going out there when it's cold, dark and spooky!), or cover her with a blanket when she'd fall asleep on the couch (and I would gently kiss her forehead). Clean the cats' litter boxes (normally her job, and she HATES it, naturally). Stuff like that. But no flowers, candy, gifts, "ILYs" or anything else that is needy, grabby, pursuing or "melty man."

Puppy

[WaitingPatiently]

Absolutely! Those are excellent examples. I believe that love will conquer evil.