Hi Sandi, Thank you very much for your detailed post to my sitch. My husband turned 50 last May. Started seeing a change in him around the end of November...I am 44 and I believe the OW is 41. She has no children, just left her husband, is highly educated and an endurance athlete for god's sake! How to compete with that??
Thank you for saying that I must be a good W......I actually believed I was. I guess I should have read more about Venus/Mars stuff to have realized that sex was as important to him as it was. Again...not like I ever once refused sex...never a headache, always up for a bit of fun you know. Unfortunately he never spoke of this and just assumed I wasn't attracted to him so I guess went elsewhere. He has lost about 25 lbs, has a great, fit body now and I do find him quite attractive. Last night we celebrated my son's 18th birthday at a restaurant. It was a nice time, had some chianti together and later ML when we got home, but there was no kissing. Sex without kissing is pretty much what we have going on lately. I know you mentioned who gives him the right to decide when he sleeps in our bed or not. I guess I have left that open for now. I am so hopeful to patch things up and since sex was his issue....I'm trying to be more proactive on that side of things.
Still what troubles me, and I know this probably seems silly, but he always used to call me "Hun" such as Hi Hun....how was your day? Hi Hun....what are your plans.... Now he just calls me by my name instead. It hurts me so much!!
Regarding whether he asked if he could stay until the kids were out of school.....we made a mutual decision so as not to disrupt their school year. My son is due to graduate and starts his baseball season and my daughter is finishing up her sophomore year. In my mind I am hoping that by him staying, and me working on myself and doing 180's such as not nagging him for not being around much on the weekends, not interrogating him after he returns and initiating more sex that he will have a change of heart. Am I pathetic?
In the meantime, I have talked to a DB coach on the phone which has been very helpful, seeking personal therapy, taking steps to go back to school to finish my degree, starting to look for new work (we run a business together), working out, self help books, journaling, you name it I've done it. Sad to say, but so much of my identity IS linked to H and our M. I met him my first day in town in 1987. That is how long we have been together. We have so much history together, so many good times. We were never the type of couple to argue or fight. Maybe he just got bored!!
Regarding staying under the same roof....I am having a hard time imagining life outside of my home. We designed and built our home together 10 years ago. He said he wants me and the kids to stay in the home, and in this economy it would be hard to sell. I just can't imagine living here in the future without him. Every beam, wall, tile, etc.... will remind me of how hard we worked to build this place and all of the good times we have shared here. SO HARD!!
Regarding MLC...he has changed so much! He even told me so back in December. He said he wanted to be healthy that is why he was going to the gym so often (twice a day sometimes). Even the kids have noticed that he is not around as much. He used to come home from work, we would share a glass of wine or a beer to unwind, chat, watch TV, etc... Now he rarely drinks (and he was never a heavy drinker), barely smiles or makes jokes, just seems to have a different personality. So...I think he is having a MLC combined with PA.
I have started thinking that this is probably less about ME and more about him.
Anyway Sandi, I am in this for the long haul. Having patience I am already finding is very hard but so far so good.
I appreciate the list of Do's and Don'ts and will take these to heart.
Hope all is well with you and I REALLY appreciate your comments. Have a fantastic day! I'll try too!
