Hi kassie, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I haven't read every bit yet, but I am trying to get caught up.
I did find that interesting that your H thought there was something wrong with "your nature" because you don't think you should pick up his ball when he drops it. Your nature isn't the problem, lol.
I'm going to guess that he was raised with that idea...that other people are supposed to pick up the pieces.
"I think you know the answer to your dilemma about separating the illness from the man. You can't, only he can."
Silva, It couldn't be better said - (sorry for the poor language structure) It hit a note with me that was amazing! It is incredibly simple as that! ONLY HE CAN SEPARATE THE TWO!!!!! I love it! Will keep reminding myself that it is his job - not mine to figure it out. What a load off me!!!!
The rest of what you said was awesome (a word I never use) but I am feeling it. These words came from a positive source and I appreciate you saying them. I also have to say that you hit me again with something so simple,
"It is who I am and it would not be right to be any other way." "Whether it hurts or not..."
I feel understood. I feel someone gets me. THANK YOU!
And so I will let him sort out his illness from who he is and I will continue to be myself wherever it takes me/us.
It was so not the response I was expecting from my last post. when I wrote it last night I was questioning my understanding of love vs dysfunctional pattern. Your words took it to another level that makes a lot more sense to me and is healing to my soul to hear it. THANKS SO MUCH!
This is so not DBing but, your wife is crazy! and you have been given a gift!
I finally get to be a cheerleader. (guess what I wanted to be way back about forty years ago)
A few months ago MBFF (who has talked to me since) said that she didn't think that love conquers everything anymore. I was shocked and thought how cynical she had become. Lately I was wondering about those words and realized that I was still uncertain about what to believe for myself. Usually something in the middle but I am getting too philosophical here - need Tawyna to translate and commiserate on that level.
SO2 - you are so right about attracting people who need someone to fix them and not only can we not meet the job qualification - they don't realize that it is their job not ours.
Be jealous - I earned the time to do these things after 55 years of raising my mother, my brother, my exh, my kids and my H. I HEARBY GIVE NOTICE.... just a joke... but I have spent the past 8 months thinking about being at a place where I don't have to take care of anyone anymore. I took over at 16 years old and haven't stopped since. It took me a long time to recognize what one of my college prof's told me way back when... that there had been a huge role reversal in my family and it all came down on me at a very early age. I bought into it then because it was necessary, I forget that it was her job to take care of herself and us back then. Or one of the relatives could have stepped up and no one did.
Anyway you asked about my kids, they have been supportive and quiet. They understand what having an A problem means, they understand his unresolved childhood issues, (seriously they do) they think he is immature, self centered, and needs help. They finally told me last week that they don't like how he treats me. They don't know that he is getting help, and they finally know that we aren't in contact with each other. After he moved out in July, they thought it was really nice to see him take me out for my birthday, and wondered if they needed to buy him present for Christmas. Other than that, they haven't asked anything and I stopped telling them. A week or so ago, my d asked how things were going and I said I didn't think they were so good and she said sorry. S is having his own problems but while talking last week he mentioned that it was a hard situation because it was obvious that I am happy when things are doing well, and unhappy when things aren't going well.
They both will make great diplomats someday. But I think they are in the midst of moving into the adult world and would like to just focus on that so I am letting them. Think it is the best thing I can do right now.
Silva, You are so right about that. I am beginning to see more clearly and it isn't my H fault that I didn't see clearly. It goes back long before him. But I am learning through this experience.
You are so right about that one. Everyone has taken care of things for him when he was very capable of learning how to do things for himself. His mother did things out of guilt - and previous women thought it was what you did for you man. His boss even covers for his faults at work. (His superior has a W with an A problem) So it made me wonder why he was attracted to me and why he can't walk away completely from me. In the past, he has walked from every R he had, no turning back. This is his first one where he has walked many times but keeps coming back, and has done many firsts since meeting me. Quite the puzzle.
Wow Kass. I am beginning to think this is a common theme with A's. They get people to do things and manage thier lives where they cannot. I learned in Alanon they are master manipulators to survive. My exh has people doing everything for him as well. His exsil pays his bills, he works for his exinlaws. If he behaved the way he has with his drinking with anyone else he wouldn't have a job.
How are you today?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Hey lady! Thanks for calling, I'm hanging in there, how about you? I am pretty wiped out the past few days. Work has been extra challenging and so are kids and of course H is acting up. Still sober but having tantrums. He spent two years trying to get me to buy a new car. I tried to explain that it wasn't affordable. We argued a lot. Last year I noticed my old car trunk was rusting out from the inside. I new that meant trouble so I decided to buy a new car - I had waited because I was never sure I could depend on him to stay and pay - so I finally felt we were ok got my first new car - and since he left 8 months ago - I have been stuck with the payment, he is co-owner on the title so this week I asked him to transfer the ownership since he wasn't paying - guess what... you know the rest. He actually emailed me that our M was over today and tonight he says I can call anytime. I have a lot to say but I am so tired and tired of his c**p. Will check in with you tomorrow between work and my D's concert or Friday.
Wow, he hits you with so many bullets! I'm really sorry.
Do you see anyone about this? A counsellor or anyone. You shouldn't have to shoulder the burden yourself, although you are doing such a great job at being strong and coping. It must be exhausting! In terms of practical advice have you thought about a DBing coaching session, although I know they are really expensive. The only way I can afford them was when the pound was so strong against the dollar - they were half price nearly for me.
