I don't mind hijacking; we're all in this together. Sometimes the best stuff you see is stuff that has nothing to do with "your" thread.
But on "my" thread, I pose the following quandry:
She has declared "it's over." No more MC. No more delaying tactics. Moving ahead.
What is my move? Do I calmly and quietly tell her to leave the house? I don't want to live with my wife who is dating.
DrHemlock,
I have the same thing come up in my situation as well - although as far as I know there isn't anyone else (I hope there isn't). Over the weekend she told me flat out that she can't see the relationship ever working. She felt that my changes were more to be who I thought she wanted me to be and I was just following tips/direction from all the books I've been reading. She also said that if I don't start thinking about the custody agreement and how to move forward with the separation, she will just move out. She felt that I hadn't changed as I was still ignoring what she wants and feels like I'm disrespecting her.
This was over the weekend (started the conversation Sat morning and finished it Sun evening - kids kept interrupting). This was right after we were intimate on Thursday evening for the second week in a row.
We went to counseling last nite as well. She said similar things that she doesn't feel like the relationship will ever work.
Very confusing.
You can read about all the details in my thread if you have a chance. I have a call with my db coach this afternoon. I'll post her input after I talk to her.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Do you think I should do the same in my situation - ask her to leave? She's not dating anyone else and in my case I would want her to take the kids. I know she wants them and also feel its would be more stable if they didn't have to keep moving back and forth. I know she would also be a much more nuturing and caring parent - which is part of our problem with the relationship, I did not nuture/care for it enough by showing it. I would want very liberal visitation though (my lawyer is drawing up a proposal). I thought about handing it to her and tell her that I don't want her to feel like she has to stay just because of the kids.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I'm not familiar enough with your situation to give you a fair reply. My advice for Hemlock, however, is based directly on his wife's infidelity, and that (plus maybe physical abuse) would be just about the only situation I could think of where I would advocate that one spouse tell the other "I think you should leave."
Now, if one spouse is saying "I'm just not happy anymore; I think we should separate," and it's not what the other spouse wants, and if this complaint comes totally out of the blue, then yes, I do think the LBS should say "Well, I'm not leaving my own home; if you feel you need more 'space,' then you should be the one to leave."
It's been my experience that about 90% of the time, there is at LEAST an EA going on in these situations if the marital objections are coming up out of the blue.
I'm not familiar enough with your situation to give you a fair reply. My advice for Hemlock, however, is based directly on his wife's infidelity, and that (plus maybe physical abuse) would be just about the only situation I could think of where I would advocate that one spouse tell the other "I think you should leave."
Now, if one spouse is saying "I'm just not happy anymore; I think we should separate," and it's not what the other spouse wants, and if this complaint comes totally out of the blue, then yes, I do think the LBS should say "Well, I'm not leaving my own home; if you feel you need more 'space,' then you should be the one to leave."
It's been my experience that about 90% of the time, there is at LEAST an EA going on in these situations if the marital objections are coming up out of the blue.
Puppy
In my case, she had been unhappy for years, but I just didn't understand the extent (perhaps I was blocking it as part of my depression). We had spent a year in counseling last year when she dropped the bomb on Jan 9 of this year. It was unexpected to me, but now I could see she has been trying to tell me over the past 2-3 years (she said it was 8 years - ack!)
If you get a chance to pop over to my thread, I would appreciate it - I don't want to hijack DrH's thread any more than I have.
I'm really confused on whether to give up and tell her to leave or what...
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I haven't demanded that she leave. She knows I know, and that's enough for now. But the children are not prepared for their mother to walk out the door, suitcases in hand. I won't take a bullet for W, but I surely will for them.
That being said, a good end to the day yesterday, a good start to the day today.
W asked me to join her for TV; I accepted. We chatted pleasantly. Asked how her day was, let her vent for a while. Did my thing, she did hers.
This morning much of the same. She got frustrated with child who didn't move fast enough to suit her; DrHemlock said in a steady and even voice: "Look, you've said you want me to step up and take some of the pressure off you, and I heard you. So let me step up. Go on about your business, and I'll handle Child."
She insisted on carrying on w/ Child, but the look of befuddlement on W's face was worth every penny I spent on DB Coach.
W does not practice good computing habits. She has a tendency to walk away from the computer. So I come up to my desk and find her an email composition window open -- she minimized, didn't close, the email browser -- chock full of "interesting" things.
Mostly it was just mean stuff. She wrote this: "The MC warned him that there might not be anything behind the anger. There isn't, believe me."
I have another question. She keeps trying to pin me down into "R" talks. If I say that nothing is on my mind, or that there's nothing to talk about, or try to deflect, she does that "OHKAY, WHATS WRONG??" thing. I try to be "dim," but it seems to piss her off.
MC #2 in 2.5 hours. I'm going to try to apply my DB Coach's technique. Will let you all know the outcome later today.
W does not practice good computing habits. She has a tendency to walk away from the computer. So I come up to my desk and find her an email composition window open -- she minimized, didn't close, the email browser -- chock full of "interesting" things.
Mostly it was just mean stuff. She wrote this: "The MC warned him that there might not be anything behind the anger. There isn't, believe me."
I have another question. She keeps trying to pin me down into "R" talks. If I say that nothing is on my mind, or that there's nothing to talk about, or try to deflect, she does that "OHKAY, WHATS WRONG??" thing. I try to be "dim," but it seems to piss her off.
MC #2 in 2.5 hours. I'm going to try to apply my DB Coach's technique. Will let you all know the outcome later today.
I think you say "as long as you're involved in an affair, there's really no 'relationship' to talk about. And everything else is Legal, and probably best handled by the lawyers, sad to say. End your affair, and I'd be happy to discuss ANYTHING with you, including my issues."
MC #2 in 2.5 hours. I'm going to try to apply my DB Coach's technique. Will let you all know the outcome later today.
DrHemlock,
What did your DB Coach suggest as a technique? I've been trying to work with my wife in counseling as well.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
