WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

I'm still really confused with this roller coaster.

I know she still thinks the relationship will never work. Last nite she confirmed that again. She had gotten into how she doesn't want me to try and act a certain way just because it's how I think she wants me to act. Just like she doesn't want to have to act a certain way because it's how I want her to act.

From that, I'm sensing she just doesn't believe that my change is real. Again, maybe I'm being overly optimistic and grasping at straws. I just don't know. I do have a call with my DB coach this afternoon. Hopefully she can offer some insight.

This morning started out just like all the typical mornings. She woke me up as she was done with her shower so I could take mine. We got ready together in the master bathroom. When I got dressed, I did give her a hug (I didn't try to kiss her).

She said she was a little uncomfortable this morning as she got her period last nite. She was relieved as we didn't use any protection when were intimate the two nites over the last couple of weeks. I'm also a little disappointed as I had wanted a daughter in addition to our two sons and if she was, it could be another reason for her to give the relationship another chance . But she's not, so I just have to move past that.

We did talk like good friends as we got the two boys ready. She had to leave early for work, but when she gave hugs and kisses to the boys, I got one on with lips as well. She probably just got caught up in the routine. She did taste nice though.

I did contact my lawyer to draw up a custody agreement where she would have custody (I don't want my boys to have to keep bouncing from house to house - it's not fair to them, plus I know my wife is a much better at nuturing and caring as a parent). I did want to put in that I would have the right to visit whenever I would want. As well as she needs to let me know whenever there are any extra curicular activities (i.e. baseball, soccer, etc.). We'll see how that goes over.

I'm still working on my 180 with the feedback I learned from her last nite. Even though she says she can't see the relationship ever working, I need to continue evolving myself. I will stop trying to be playful with my comments (that's when I would talk about her underwear, or lack there of) and try to read her cues relative to touches. I will ask if her cue is not clear to me (I hadn't done that before).

Everyone here was right about patting her bottom - I had done that before as I was trying to be playful, but she said it made her feel uncomfortable. I really blew that one.

One of the things that the counselor did encourage her was that she needs to be more verbal/direct. That had been one of the issues in the relationship. Since we didn't have the deep emotional intimacy connection after the initial love phase of our relationship (and I'm denser than most guys), she needs to tell me directly if she feels uncomfortable. My wife said that when she did that, she felt it hurt me. I told her it didn't as I appreciated and respect the feedback. Her natural tendancy when I would do something that would frustrate her would be that she would turn away from me and roll her eyes as she walks away.

Hopefully that will cut down on her frustration points and anger so there will be less of a desire/uncomfortableness to move out.

It hurts me to see the end of our marriage, but I can't force her to love me and I know I deserve better. I am still hopeful that she will see my changes as genuine and real, but I know she does not now.

Perhaps someday she will come to a different realization. I'm not waiting though.