Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

Trying to not use the word "trying" anymore.

Coming to learn that through letting go you have to truly detach. I think in the beginning of all of this that caused me the most fear. I remember so well when xh moved out - and moved closer to his work. I told C then, he won't even know me anymore- he wont see the changes in me. C agreed, and XH did not see anything other than what HIS plans were and what HE wanted. When he left I was the furthest thing from his mind -- and that remains the same today.

So, what I have come to is that all my fussing and fretting and crying has been for what? For the loss of the man that I loved. NOT for the loss of a marriage where 2 were one...because in the end there was only 1 and that 1 was me.

Detaching means letting go of the "Dream" and bringing to reality what is. What is? Well my xh left his family, left me and decided to try something different. He decided that he would search high and low to "find" whatever it is that he thinks he never had. My xh is NOT who I married adn yes I believe in for better or worse adn I believe in the messed up mind and dillusio that the MLC'r suffers. BUT I ALSO believe that DETACHING and letting them go to do whatever it is that they are going to do - without WATCHING or SEEKIGN them out is the BEST thing for me.

AND on teh flip side? IT IS THE HARDEST thing. I dont want to let go of the dream of a "happily ever after.." I dont want to let go of what i thought I had. I don't want to let go of someone whom I LOVED. BUT this side... the side of hurt and pain and longing... I don't like it.

What does it mean? NOTHING to him. AND EVERYTHING to me. Because as I have learned through watching his mlc. IT NEVER was about me -- and by doign this it makes MY LIFE about ME. He left and it wasn't about me - it was about his messed up mind.

I am reclaiming my life. If XH decides at some point that he woudl like to venture into my life - take a peek inside I am sure I will let him in. BUT I WONT live in a lie that he wants to or that he may want to. Can't do that anymore.

Detaching from the dream.