I couldnt log on earlier. I drove to his work. He got in the car and I asked all the whys. I got no answers. He got a bit aggressive but calmed when I asked him what on earth have I done to him to treat me like this. Why didnt he leave me alone if he wasnt serious enough about this effort? I told him everything I have known about her and him, all the lies and asked him if he thought i was so naive? He said no and said he couldnt remember all the incidents I mentioned. He said they are friends and doesnt know how to handle this obsession of mine. I said we could go out together... No answer.
We talked about money, lawyer expenses, vacation time everything. I was emotional but didnt collapse or anything. He is back to the man he was a year ago. Cold, distant and cruel. And I was angry -not anymore- and am hurt. He doubted I was in a better state when he came back and although tempted I didnt tell him I was happy back then because although details would serve him good, that part of my life will not be used as revenge. But it was so strange to hear him say, I wasnt in a good place anyway...
I've been reading and re-reading and can't figure out WTF your H is all about. His R with OW is driving him. He wanted his family because it was comfortable but he is not comfortable with you. You are obviously a passionate, loving woman who gives her all in everything. He seems to be eclipsed by your sunshine because he is weak and spineless. He becomes aggressive with you because he is frustrated with his own weak nature, not because of what you are saying.
Maria, I know you said you are done. I don't blame you one bit. Your H did and said nearly what mine did with the exception of the bit about OW being a friend. He knew better than to pull that with me since I had proof. We are better women without feeling like we have to give ourselves up entirely just to soothe the battered feelings of a man who can't treat us with love and respect. Simple....no. Relieving.....YES!
Get back to you K. Back to the woman you had made yourself into before H came back. Back to the strong, vibrant, wonderful woman you are!!!!!
I have tons of respect for you Maria. You were able to voice your feelings to him even without getting anything in response. Good for you. You won't have regrets for the rest of your life wishing you had 'only said this or that'.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Feel the pain, mourn the loss, accept that there are no answers to the questions that burn in your mind.
Then let this man go, as you have done once before.
You reached a place once before where you had dealt with the loss, found your strength again, and, most blessedly of all, learned that there is still the capacity for love in your life.
Find that place again K.
This man merits no more of your time, grace, or concern. Truth is that he sounds much like Debra's ex husband was when he did much what your husband has done. There is never an excuse for allowing a person who once took your place to still have a place in his life. To proclaim her his friend and to chastise you for coming between them just shows how incredibly far from you he has always been.
Find your life again. As you know, it is scary at first. But it is also potentially exciting and full.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I posted earlier.. but I guess it is lost forever.
So glad the theme did not change.
"He said no and said he couldn't remember all the incidents I mentioned."
So what is he really saying here?
"I said we could go out together... No answer."
Imagine that.
"We talked about money, lawyer expenses, vacation time everything. I was emotional but didn't collapse or anything. He is back to the man he was a year ago. Cold, distant and cruel."
He would say the same thing about you. Cause we have been walking this way for a looong time. It just proves the point.. when we don't go at it.. 100% (Read=Choices) We set ourselves up to fail. The key lies in the words of SC (The long lost Mod) "True Giving". Or in the random redneck poster.. "Do Work".
"He doubted I was in a better state when he came back and although tempted I didnt tell him I was happy back then."
So.. what you are saying is.. you can "see" where he thought.. you were better?
The "goal".. in the scheme of things.. does not really matter.
To me if the "goal" is to win them back.. "hide" that. Do everything that would not allow them to see the goal. On the flip side of that.. you have to be ready to go at it when your "goal" shows up. In making a choice and sticking to it.. you fight the hard battle. You get "labeled".
"I didn't tell him I was happy back then because although details would serve him good"
The reason you were happy.. has little to nothing to with your "goal". The idea is.. he could "see" the happy. And found it "attractive". So much so.. he wanted you "back".
"He seems to be eclipsed by your sunshine because he is weak and spineless."
He is not spineless. He just does not understand.. just like you.
"You have been in this place before unfortunately."
I said this in my "lost post".
"Then let this man go, as you have done once before."
I agree with this.. to a point. I can hear the words.. "Slow Down".
"You reached a place once before where you had dealt with the loss, found your strength again, and, most blessedly of all, learned that there is still the capacity for love in your life."
Yet the "goal" (choice) was not clear.
"Find that place again K."
This I can agree with.
"This man merits no more of your time, grace, or concern."
I am gonna fight Bill some here.
He deserves the best of you.. staying or going.
From my other post.. the long lost one. The only "mistake" you have made.. is showing the "goal" You let it effect YOU. While I understand why.. I want you to do better.
However I got "here".. I am here.. and somewhat vested in you. So that leaves me with the question...
What do you want?
Just based on what I know about you.. just make a choice. I will use my DQ to defend you. Don't tell me what obstacles are in your way. Just make a choice.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
My head hurts today. I told my parents the show is off. My mother started all the "who's gonna date you with 2 kids of this age", true in Greece, my dad said "you both entered this effort cold and distant, it was obvious to me" my dad surprises me some times. But then he said he is not going to stick around for long now and what happens with the kids since my parents play a significant role to their upbringing. Then my mom told me my kids have problems already and bla bla bla and we got in a fight. I think they are more scared than I am.
Forrest, I dont understand you today. Or better, I dont want to understand you. I hear you saying I wasnt into 100% but that was a fact. I am human, cant switch my feelings on and off that easily. Still, I didnt make his life hard (at least not as hard as I could). I was caring and tried to go back to my happy self. Maybe I wasnt successful, maybe. So, you are telling me, I wasnt that attractive and he bailed out? Well, sorry mate, as Al says, I am not that good of an actress.
I have read here so many times, and in books, even my own C told me, "set requirements". I did. I stated what I needed. He ignored me. He was blocked, confused, weak, lost, couldnt understand, etc etc. Sorry, it sucks to be him then. My letters, my actions, my words, my looks, didnt work. Yesterday I sent him parts of the book translated. Not only about the need of a betrayed spouse to know, but also about how down the road of reconciliation both partners reach a point where they resist giving. The refuse to. It usually happens in the middle of the effort. The author says, be patient and compassionate and act as if and get over this dead/numb point. Explains it and explains the whys. One of them is attachment to the OP. I had told him I was willing to accept his mourning period, I know how that feels, I feel that way too some times. So, my email wasnt only about the OW but about how you need to show true giving without pride and selfishness to overcome the hurdles. He has no compassion. And I have to think that if she really wasnt someone he was involved with, he would be able to at least, humor me. HELP me. If he loved me. You know, all this time, I was prepared to tell him the truth and face the consequences if he asked. I was ready. I didnt cheat on him, but I was ready to spill my guts to him, to be open. And if we had come to that, I would have been very compassionate if he cared about it. He cant show any caring feelings. That is what hurts most. That is what I went and told him last night. To me, that is unbelievable.
The last couple of weeks, I have been angry. He sees that. He says "it sucks to be you love!". All of my problems are solely mine. All of his problems I have to respect and accommodate. he is in selfish destructive mode. Fine.
My choice is to end this downfall. The deterioration of my mental health. My choice is to end the pain. I KNOW there is a lot more of it to handle. I know that probably, I havent even hit the lowest of lows, but...hey, one has to make a choice at some point and just take the blow.
I am sorry your parents were not supportive of you. I'm sure that is very hard to take. All the fault-finding that people do is so unproductive. We don't win every battle. Sometimes we have to accept defeat and move on. I, for one, do not find fault with you and the ways that you have tried to make your marriage work. You were tenacious throughout. Why did you go to him last night? Because you are obsessive with this. It is not healthy for you to keep waging a losing war. You describe him as cold and cruel. That is not a weak person. He was very strong all the time rejecting every thing that you asked for, hiding and lying about OW to the end. No, he is not weak. He paints a picture of himself as weak and fearful of rejection. That is what he wants to project, it is not him. He is hard and resolute. You must accept that he does not want you. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But it is better to accept it and move on, than to keep trying to break down doors that are barred against you.
Not going to H-bash. Just wanted to say I have been impressed with your ability and willingness to continue to work with your H and on your M even when it seemed unproductive. We all reach the end of our ropes at some point, and if that is where you are you need to act accordingly.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
