My head hurts today. I told my parents the show is off. My mother started all the "who's gonna date you with 2 kids of this age", true in Greece, my dad said "you both entered this effort cold and distant, it was obvious to me" my dad surprises me some times. But then he said he is not going to stick around for long now and what happens with the kids since my parents play a significant role to their upbringing. Then my mom told me my kids have problems already and bla bla bla and we got in a fight. I think they are more scared than I am.
Forrest, I dont understand you today. Or better, I dont want to understand you. I hear you saying I wasnt into 100% but that was a fact. I am human, cant switch my feelings on and off that easily. Still, I didnt make his life hard (at least not as hard as I could). I was caring and tried to go back to my happy self. Maybe I wasnt successful, maybe. So, you are telling me, I wasnt that attractive and he bailed out? Well, sorry mate, as Al says, I am not that good of an actress.
I have read here so many times, and in books, even my own C told me, "set requirements". I did. I stated what I needed. He ignored me. He was blocked, confused, weak, lost, couldnt understand, etc etc. Sorry, it sucks to be him then. My letters, my actions, my words, my looks, didnt work. Yesterday I sent him parts of the book translated. Not only about the need of a betrayed spouse to know, but also about how down the road of reconciliation both partners reach a point where they resist giving. The refuse to. It usually happens in the middle of the effort. The author says, be patient and compassionate and act as if and get over this dead/numb point. Explains it and explains the whys. One of them is attachment to the OP. I had told him I was willing to accept his mourning period, I know how that feels, I feel that way too some times. So, my email wasnt only about the OW but about how you need to show true giving without pride and selfishness to overcome the hurdles. He has no compassion. And I have to think that if she really wasnt someone he was involved with, he would be able to at least, humor me. HELP me. If he loved me. You know, all this time, I was prepared to tell him the truth and face the consequences if he asked. I was ready. I didnt cheat on him, but I was ready to spill my guts to him, to be open. And if we had come to that, I would have been very compassionate if he cared about it. He cant show any caring feelings. That is what hurts most. That is what I went and told him last night. To me, that is unbelievable.
The last couple of weeks, I have been angry. He sees that. He says "it sucks to be you love!". All of my problems are solely mine. All of his problems I have to respect and accommodate. he is in selfish destructive mode. Fine.
