Hi everyone... Well...settling into the new place is moving along at its own pace. My mother leaves tomorrow morning - so there should be a new round of feelings to experience afterward...the sunrises continue to be lovely - and the evenings seem fine. I had to deal with some loud music from the downstairs neighbors over the weekend - and that was a bother - but it also just reminded me that this situation is temporary - and I can do a lot to change my life over the next year.
Since B last threatened to call the police last week I have just stopped speaking with her completely. I say hello and goodbye - usually get no response - but I am at the point where I could care less. Her words hardly mean anything to me anymore - since they just never seem genuine or sincere - and I just don't trust her at all.
I wish she could see that not talking with me - not saying hello to me - sets a poor example for our baby boy - but I just don't think she has the capacity to see beyond herself at all anymore. My opinion of her has really declined over the last couple weeks - perhaps because the discomfort and hassle of moving out of the house and back into an apartment really drove home the impact of her actions - and of her inability to deal with her real issues.
I think she really thought that I would buy into her nonsense when she accused me of strangling her and throwing the wedding album at our baby - maybe I was too accommodating early on and lead her to believe that I would always validate that kind of nonsense. Looking back now, I think it was a mistake to validate her fictions about my behavior - it wasn't just a matter or perception - since what she reconstructed as our reality was actually a complete reconstruction of my persona - and it had nothing to do with me - but by validating her words I was allowing that specter in her mind to become me...and I regret that.
It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately - that the DB books don't say enough about how to respond to an abusive partner - and sometimes it puts so much of an emphasis on fixing ourselves in order to fix our marriages that we are too easily distracted into dismissing and forgiving - even validating - behavior and words that should not be acceptable. When B accused me of being an abusive husband with anger issues I dove into understanding the nature of abuse and anger - I was abused as a child - so I knew there was the potential there of repeating the behavior - but I had never had that problem with anyone, ever, in my life. Not my first wife, not my children, not any of my long-term relationships...only with B...and so I finally had to look more carefully at that dynamic - and that's when it became clearer to me that I had put myself into a relationship with someone that treated me poorly in a way that was familiar to me...in a way that echoed my childhood...and that's why it brought out in me some of the same kind of anger and frustration I used to experience as a child.
And so...with that pattern acknowledged, I move on...and focus on the solutions and not my past. The past is too easy to inspect for issues - and still not find any answers through that inspection - the ever-vanishing present, on the other hand, is ripe with evidence of what works and does not work in my life - in anyone's life - and that's where my attention and energy goes now...and it's with that energy - and safe perspective - that I can see how damaging my relationship/marriage with B was for me.
Do I think B is a bad person? No...I think she's a beautiful person with deep, painful issues that she can't yet resolve. Can I wait for her to resolve those issues? No. And it's not because I am unwilling to wait for her to heal - it is because waiting would entail entangling my life with hers again - and allowing myself to be kept in check by the mere possibility that she might someday reflect on her own actions and words and realize that there were two people that brought disorder to our marriage - and our relationship - not just one. Besides that, I don't know if I could honestly look past her words and actions any more...the physical affair of three years ago, the emotional affair around when the bomb dropped, the lies about me, the lies about herself, the disrespect for our family, the unchecked willingness to take advantage of me - and my own culpability in playing into all of it. I'm not a fool - nor am I naive person - and yet I so willingly continued to feed the fires of her disregard...so, perhaps, it's not just a question of whether or not I could ever forgive her enough (I think I've already forgiven her) - it's a larger question for me of whether or not I could ever look at her and see past my own complacency in taking apart myself...but even that question is layered in its own blend of confusion, as I don't care much for her anymore...not that I don't love her, I do, but I am at that point of not being in love with her at all - and so when I look at her I feel like I am looking at a body made up of dark clouds...transparent in some regards, brooding in others, but always wisping away while threatening every quiet moment with a storm.
Which is all just to say...I'm doing fine...and seeing things more clearly than I had before...which brings new sorts of sadness to the surface, but I feel stable and hopeful enough to know that any sadness I feel will pass - and my hopes for my life - and for the life I can offer my sons - will always be there...always.
