Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling pretty horrible right now.

House was trashed......somebody (probably "friends" of S17) broke in and had a big party over the weekend. I went over there to check it out. H was amazingly calm and clear headed about everything.

Picked up the rope. To go into it all here would take too long so I'll try to sum up. H says we just don't "get" each other and never really have. Doesn't want to hurt me, but he knows where he is now and feels comfortable in his skin. He sees some of the changes I have made, but doesn't believe I could ever change enough, and doesn't really think I should try. There is just too much water under the dam and he has no care to ever try again. But, he wants me to move on and find happiness.

He doesn't seem like he is in "MLC fog". He doesn't seem depressed. He is much less irritable now. He is doing really well with S17. I'm thinking that everyone in my RL has been right. He just doesn't love me anymore, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't change the person I am.

I told him that I just wished we could talk (with C present if need be). I would like to know the man he wants to be, and see the life he wants to have, and show him the changes I have made and/or want to make tell him the life I want to have.....not necessarily for reconciliation, but for understanding and some better "closure"......He's very reluctant. I told him I understood why, because I know it took him a lot of courage to finally stand up and say he wasn't happy, and he doesn't want to go back there.......at least he listened and I thanked him for that.

I'm going to bed now and have a good cry........tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life......