stella: dancing in limbo

[W2G]

(((Stella)))

Hang in there hun. Continue being the amazing woman you are and try to avoid your H's moodiness... it's still his journey.. but thankfully it sounds like he's nearly through it!!! I wish you much success!!!

I also want to give you a big hug (((((((((((((((((((((((Stella)))))))))))))))))))))))) to try in my small way to give you extra strength and support for what's going on with your Mom's health. I wish there were more I could do.

Hugs,
W2G

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Stella--

I got a bit of a chuckle at you doing the MLC mattress hug. I am glad he is back with you and that OW is hanging in the breeze. You deserve much happiness. Roll up your sleeves, the real work is getting ready to begin. I hope i can join you in this endeavor in the not too distant future.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[stella_k]

((((Addie, W2G (feels so good to have you posting again!), SMW)))), thank you, guys, for your great support!

Quick update here:

H initiated R talk, which lasted until 4 AM. Same old crap, MLC talk, now he was happy with OW (and what about 2 years of h!ll?!)and came back out of guilt only (and how about he loves only Stella?!) and he doesn't know why he didn't let me go and he's afraid he'd try to take revenge on me for making him drop OW and make me miserable (top of craziness).

I was tempted to end it then and just kick him out, but I pulled myself together, barely enough to listen and validate his raving. I even told him: go ahead with your revenge, I'm strong enough to face it.
That's when he finally got ashamed of himself and said: I'm sorry, I must be crazy for talking to you that way.

And he sure is - CRAZY!!!

Now he's sitting there in "their" apt every single day, with her dog and her stuff, which she's in no hurry to pick up, brooding over his "happiness" with her and driving himself even more insane. Yesterday, he said, they spent an hour on the phone! She called, of course, but he said, I probably would have called her anyway.

Oh, I just don't know.

I can see that he's struggling like mad, coming back to me every evening and calling me twice a day, and telling me the truth (and it HURTS!) but I'm afraid he will go nuts for real and he will take me with him.

For now I keep still and ready for anything to happen.

I cannot argue with madman and I need my sanity for my D18.

to be continued.

[kissak]

oh Stella....I cant tell you how many times my H came back to me trying to work on things and continued to profess his love for the OW...and tell me how he just couldnt get over her and how he did care so much for me...etc.

I feel for you. It sucks to hear them talk about the OW.

[stella_k]

ok, I'm totally lost now.

it's happening again.

He's staying in their apt daily and talks to OW for hours.
He started betraying me the very moment he chose to come home.
He comes very late every day, doesn't spend any time with me, sleeps in my bed without touching me, keeps in touch with OW and thinks it's ok since he's telling me the truth about it.

He doesn't hide the fact he's not sure that he wants me after all. He acts as if I should be happy to have him here for couple of hours every day, THAT'S IT.

Should I ignore the fact he's in touch with her daily?

Should I let him be?

Is it how they come out of MLC?
Or is it how they're having fun and eat their cake?

I'm calling him, his cell is busy, he's talking to OW, and I'm back to square one, having a major meltdown.

I just cannot take it anymore...

[brandnewday]

Stella,

Oh Honey I am so sorry you are hurting right now.

When they truly come home for good, you will know it, your Husband is not quite ready.

This is why you have to have boundaries for yourself because the MLC'er will take advantage of the LBS, especially if there is a OW involved.

Patience, patience, patience........

The last part of the journey seems like the longest part I know, but you will get through this.

Keep yourself busy, and try not to focus on the things he is doing right now.

Piecing is hard, and takes alot of work and forgiveness. You need to be ready for when he does come home, because this is when you will truly be tested.

[stella_k]

Thank you, (((BND)))!

I know he's not quite ready...

Not ready at all, more like it.

Should I kick him out and tell him to come back when he's really truly done with her?!

Should I let him be?

[brandnewday]

Only you can make that choice.
Only you know what you can handle.

Nobody else has to walk in your shoes and can only give you their opinion.

Living with a MLC'er is hell.
Living with a MLC'er with a OW is emotional torture.

What are your boundaries?

[stella_k]

(((BND))),
thank you for your reply.
I didn't see it, because H came home and I had to leave BB.

We had a R talk again, I initiated.

I told him that I want him to leave. I was kind and friendly but very firm. I honestly WANTED him to go and leave me alone. I didn't sleep properly since he "returned". I had a meltdown over his marathon talk with OW yesterday. I was walking on eggs once again, something I was hoping never to do again. I've had it and told him so, without anger. I've told him I'm not waiting for him to make up his mind. If he decides to come back and I'm still available and willing to try, we can try. Until then I want him to disappear from my life for real. We don't need to communicate so often, our D18 is adult and he doesn't have to report to me about their interactions.
H said that he knows he's crazy. He KNOWS that the the madness will be over. May be in a year.
I said, ok, we'll talk about it in a year then.
He had tears in his eyes.
I had none. I smiled at him and patted his hand.
I've told him that I still love him, but I have to take care of myself now. For my D18 and for my mom. They need me.
We were talking for three hours at least and it was getting better and better, much lighter than in the beginning.
Then he said: I want to stay and try. Please.
And I said, well, if that's what you really want... Fine. You can stay.

I don't know what will come out of it, but our interaction was good and he was sincere. He said he's addicted to OW as he's addicted to smoking and drinking. He even suggested that we should go back to Asia, away from her, and stay there for another couple of years!! He was the one who hated it there and wanted to come home.
I said, I will think about it.
Actually, I like the idea.
If I can find a good nurse for my mom, I can go.

So far so good.

One thing bothers me, though.
He dropped all his former accusations.
His complaints about our M turned out to be MLC crap.
All but one. He says that our sex life was never great. He says he was SS for many years, and what he's got was neither enough nor satisfactory.
He wants to be M to me. He loves me. We are meant to be together.
He doesn't feel any pressure from me and feels good around me.
BUT - he wants to have sex with her and not with me.
That's his main fear - that our sex life will never improve.
He frightened me.

I think I will start a thread in SSM as well.

Thank you (((all))) for listening.

[Kalni]

2 words: Passionate Marriage. He doesnt want to ML to you, he wants to "do you and be done by you", he wants to have amazing sex and he doesnt realize he probably isnt getting it from her either. He just feels the novelty and the excitement. BUT, what he is really after is CONNECTION. Read the book. It might help. Read it together if possible. Heck!! go meet the guy who wrote it. He does consultations in 3 sessions one each day for couples that visit from abroad. You love him, you still have so much love inside. Do what it takes. Your H needs help. He wont be able to stabilize alone, if he isnt guided somehow. He tried before. You cant get away from a spider. He is in deep grief. I feel sorry for him and upset for you...

*And this is where the amateuer C, packs her bags and goes home to her unresolved mental issues...*

Feel free to ignore, as always...
K