Sitting here at home, alone. It's Monday so the kids are with H. I'm finally getting used to the schedule, and enjoying some time alone----especially since it would have been math homework with d12----which is a nightmare. I'm having a glass of wine. It's been forever. Right after the bomb I drank a glass or two at night to sleep. As my AD's were increased, I stopped drinking anything. Now that I'm off all AD's I think I can have a glass now and then --- even if I am drinking alone.
Lately I have let myself imagine a future without H----and with someone else. I think about how wonderful it would be to be loved----to be treated the way I think I deserve to be treated....to be loved the way H used to love me..........I don't know If I can ever go there with someone other than H, but I miss it so much. I think about how I did not appreciate what I had when I had it-----how I took everything for granted, and it makes me sick.
I know that what H is going through is not my fault. I blamed myself for everything for a long time, but I finally know that THIS is not my fault. There are things that that I will accept blame for.....things in the past.....but OW is not my fault, and this thing that H is going through is deifinitely not my fault. It helps to keep that in focus. At least today...........
Maybe I have had too much wine...........what a cheap date....one glass!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
