Yes I want to chime in here with Smartcookie. There are times when they do things when they aren't thinking about it. These things show their real feelings. Then when they do think about it they get confused because their actions and their words don't match.
I would go with it and take her advice. Enjoy your trip without wondering too much about what he is saying or doing.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
I actually have been trying to use a girlfriend voice, and my 2 girls picked up on it LOL... The 8 yr old said Mommy, why do you have a different sweet voice when you talk to Daddy on the phone, then your regular voice is back when you hang up. LOL
Lately when we are together I think to myself, if he was a guy I just met, how would I act? How would I treat him, how DID I treat him 12 yrs ago. I think I got to comfortable and began taking him and our marriage for granted in a way. I'm trying to touch him in new ways, Last nite I initiated ML, and he went with it, didn't reject me, which he never has, but I get embarrassed.
When I stood up for myself yesterday & the day before, in a nice tone, no sarcasm, he apologized after only a lil' while. I guess b/c he was expecting the old me to lash out at him, but I am trying to treat him as I would a co-worker, or my girls, in a heated situation. I don't want to hurt him, I know how much he hurts. I really want him as my husband, not just a friend.
I hope we can be saved. He really is a great dad, and husband. Just need to heal this pain, and I know I caused a lot of it with my nasty attitude and mouth.
I'm working on me, so we can work on us, once I prove myself.
*Something I noticed*
When I Act as if, when I don't show my nasty side, or feed off of comments, or anger, he tries not to get angry .
Yesterday the dogs had an accident in the house, and he usually gets really PO'd, but since I didn't snap whn he made a comment about me walking them, he started to joke, and he said he was trying not to get angry. He's trying to change too.
Could he be feeding off of me, and my reactions?
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
I agree with both of you. I just get nervous that the lil' voice in my head is right, saying he's only being your FRIEND, that's why he's being nice or touchy feely. But I guess "friends" don't do those things, and I know He loves me, he's just hurt and angry. I will be cool, calm and act as if this wknd. Please wish me luck, say a lil prayer??
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
I actually have been trying to use a girlfriend voice, and my 2 girls picked up on it LOL... The 8 yr old said Mommy, why do you have a different sweet voice when you talk to Daddy on the phone, then your regular voice is back when you hang up. LOL
Lately when we are together I think to myself, if he was a guy I just met, how would I act? How would I treat him, how DID I treat him 12 yrs ago. I think I got to comfortable and began taking him and our marriage for granted in a way. I'm trying to touch him in new ways, Last nite I initiated ML, and he went with it, didn't reject me, which he never has, but I get embarrassed.
This is an example of what I'm talk about when I tell people to stop "acting" like they are married!
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It was really awesome, we got along great. He gave me a kiss on the lips 1x. He held my hand, he has been calling me by my old pet names, then when we got home he took me out to dinner, he held my hand after we left the restaurant, he held me last nite when we were sleeping, he called me around 3x today.
BUT...
He just got home from work, and we are back to the kiss on the cheek thing. I kind of expected it, but it still hurt. What gives?? Why the different treatments? What does all of this mean? Could I be getting through to his heart with my changes, but he's still testing me? Still has his guard up?
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Ok, so just now I was bending down next to him, showing him a picture on the computer and he gave me a kiss on the cheek for no reason. This hasn't happened since the beginning of Oct 2008.
Could he be noticing and liking the changes? Am I reading too into this? He's still calling me by my old pet names, since this wknd. For the longest time he has been calling me by my real name, which I hate b/c I'm so used to all the cute nicknames. Now he's calling me those again.
How should I act?
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
It's called the dance. We all get close, then get a bit scared, & back up a little. Then something nice happens, we move close, then we get scared & back up a little. Just think of it as a dance. He moves in, he likes it, he gets scared, he backs up. If you see it as a pattern, & not a reflection of your behavior, or a reflection of his feelings...then it will not cause anxiety.
Just realize it's part of him getting comfortable & healing with you.
Act like you enjoy everything he's doing. Positive reinforcement rewarding. Ignore anything negative that he may do, when he slips. Reward the good behaviors. A touch on the arm, a kiss on the neck.
What are his love languages ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I completely agree. My H does the same crap. Every weekend is awesome. To see us, you would think we were a normal happy family. Come Monday, not one call, not one text UNLESS it involves our S or house related issues, bills, etc. By Thursday, the affection is making a come back. So it's hard, but I just try to maintain throughout the week. I try not to analyze but it does make me want to scream. Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I want to shake him. So I just look forward to Thursdays and the rest of the weekends and concentrate on other things the other days. Very hard but I'm trying. I'm so glad your trip was good. You deserved it.
