Thanks Kerry! I happen to love Disneyworld/Disneyland, I am a big kid at heart!
I guess I just wasn't really listening to what Dan has been saying all along...not putting it together anyway.
Back at Retrouvaille in August we did an exercise where we wrote about how we saw our spouse, did we think we knew who our 'real' spouse was, and could we accept them and love them as they were, even if it wasn't who we wished they were?
The picture I painted of H was not pretty (insecure, needing money/success/attention from attractive women/etc to validate his success in life, etc etc). He cried when I read it and said he was surprised that I DID see the real him. And I wrote that of course I loved/accepted him anyway, I loved him unconditionally.
He described me fairly accurately, too. But to answer whether he loved/accepted me as I was, he answered "I don't know if I can". He admitted he had higher expectations of me than he had of himself in terms of parenting, having a clean organized car, physically fit, etc etc. He said he knew he expected more from me than he was able to do himself. But he didn't know how to change.
Then when he gave up again in December he said he "didn't know how" to just love me and let go.
Then his outburst on Saturday.
It all points to the same thing. He holds a huge grudge over the loss of the family farm. It WAS his life's dream. But wallowing in that loss will not get him anywhere. I can only believe that he chooses to keep that anger/blame/resentment. I don't know what he gets out of it except permission from himself to never meet any other goals... I don't buy it that he cannot. I believe he will not. So I just need to let it be, I guess.
