Yep, IN my nose. Hurts like heck! I have read up on MRSA since I've had it 3 times. It tends to colonize in your nasal passages and just hang out. Then if you rub your nose and then scratch or touch other parts of your body it can spread. On occasion, I guess it gets bored hanging out in there and decides to flare up.
K--I am NOT dying! (I hope!) But people can/do die of MRSA. Mostly those who get it in the hospital, because their presence in the hospital means they are already weak/sick and this makes everything worse. The doctor did say this is more of a concern than the infections on my jaw and back. This is because the nasal passage is 'soft tissue' (?) and it is easy access to spread through the sinus cavity into the brain. But so far, so good!
Hey Bobbi... yuo going to call in sick now then !!?? I hope so, sounds like you are rundown and need lots of rest. Make sure you do !? Ask Dan to take the kids.... stay home, read, relax....?
Well, the lab called this morning. It is/was MRSA. For the 4th time! I get 30 days of antibiotics and then we see if it is gone, if it comes back, etc. It is getting annoying...
In other news, I/we have reached an impasse. It is bad b/c it means I don't have any hopes of going forward together. It is (almost) good because I know that there is NOTHING I can do to change things, so I can stop trying to figure out what I can do to 'fix' it...
We got together Saturday night to sort out finances, he opened a checking account with a couple hundred dollars last week, and I already had mine from his bonus check. So we needed to divide up what was in our joint checking and then close the account.
H was a little standoffish while we were talking. I was bothered by that and told him to relax. He said he wasn't enjoying what we were doing, didn't want to be doing it but "You (me) wanted to do this (separate accounts)."
I said you are right, I did. B/C you say that you want us to be together and I say I want us to be together, but guess what, we are NOT together. And that has been your choice, Dan. Every time you say you want us to be together you fall back on that line "nothing ever changes". He nodded and said, "Nothing ever does." I said, "Actually I have changed a lot, what you mean is YOU haven't changed..." He agreed it was probably all his fault.
Anyway we moved on and had all the numbers sorted out, who was taking over which payments/bills, etc.
As we finished up I asked him if he still wanted to come to Disney with us (he knew I was planning to go with some of my part of our $ and said he wanted to come along) because I was ready to pick a time and start making reservations.
He came unglued at that point. He said, "Do you hear yourself? Do I want to come to Disney? Like it's no big deal?" And then it was all the spew that is bottled up in him. How we could never afford to go to Disney if he wasn't working the job he worked to make so much money. He asked me how many times my parents took me to Disney? (once in high school) And he reminded me that Nathan and I went almost 20 times in a year when we lived in LA, then we went two years after that (2007), and now I am planning to go again. That I never have appreciated any of the work he has done....That I take it all for granted.
Then he went off about how I said it was supportive of me to move 9 times in 10 years for his job. He said it was no sacrifice on my part b/c my job was not what mattered to me the opportunity to stay home with my kids was my dream and his moving around gave us pay raises so I could stay home. The whole moving around thing allowed me to stay home so there was NO sacrifice on my end, period.
And then the kicker, the main issue. He had moved all those times, worked a job that he absolutely hated so I could stay home. And then when he wanted ONE thing from me--to agree to buying that piece of the family farm after his grandma died in 2006--I told him to, in his words, "F off".
I tried (dumb) to tell him that I didn't just say no, I had asked him to show me how we could afford our $1800 mortgage, the cows, bills, etc etc and take on another mortgage for the house and land he wanted to buy. I even suggested at the time that we move up there, live in the little old house on the land, get new jobs, and save up to build a new house later. He said that he could never find a job back home, but now he has one...
He just got even angrier and said he had it all figured out (he never showed it to me) but I wouldn't trust him, the ONE time he wanted me to, and I said "F off" and he lost his dream.
I told him I had lost my dream of being with him and the kids forever. He said if we worked it out I could still get my dream but he could NEVER get the piece of the farm back. (It was the particular piece of land where he told me when we were dating 16 years ago, that he wanted to build a house. And now it has been sold)
I started to talk then and he said something about if I pushed him anymore then we really WOULDN'T work things out. Like he still thinks we will?? WTF
Then he said he was too angry he needed to leave. So he did.
And I have surmised that as longs as he holds me responsible for him not getting his dream, then we can never get back together. To much anger and resentment associated with me, in his mind. And I cannot change that, short of giving him back that piece of the farm, which I cannot do. So it is what it is...
I took the kids to church the next morning, he parked outside but didn't come in (said he would meet us there). Then he texted me that he was getting his butt chewed by his boss (on his blackberry) and couldn't get off the phone to come in.
I decided that was just fine. When I got home he was already at the house. He had gone to the store and got steaks to grill us for lunch??? I assume that is stubborn-man-language for an apology for blowing up at me.
In my mind I think I actually dropped the rope for the first time. I have said that I dropped it a few different times but this feels different. I realize I cannot change his feelings. I could build a shrine to his great earning/providing for his family. It wouldn't matter. I could thank him profusely. Wouldn't matter. So all I can do is let go and move on and if he ever decides having me back is worth letting go of his blanket of blame and resentment (which he currently holds onto with a death grip), he will have to let me know. And it may be way too late.
BobbiJo - I think you are correct about the grudge he is holding being a huge hurdle to ever restoring your marriage. However, as Wooglint would say..."he is broken".
Nearly 20 times to Disneyland in one year? I've ridden "It's a Small World" 4 times in my life and I can only imagine that you have been on that one quite a bit more. Terrifying.
Thanks Kerry! I happen to love Disneyworld/Disneyland, I am a big kid at heart!
I guess I just wasn't really listening to what Dan has been saying all along...not putting it together anyway.
Back at Retrouvaille in August we did an exercise where we wrote about how we saw our spouse, did we think we knew who our 'real' spouse was, and could we accept them and love them as they were, even if it wasn't who we wished they were?
The picture I painted of H was not pretty (insecure, needing money/success/attention from attractive women/etc to validate his success in life, etc etc). He cried when I read it and said he was surprised that I DID see the real him. And I wrote that of course I loved/accepted him anyway, I loved him unconditionally.
He described me fairly accurately, too. But to answer whether he loved/accepted me as I was, he answered "I don't know if I can". He admitted he had higher expectations of me than he had of himself in terms of parenting, having a clean organized car, physically fit, etc etc. He said he knew he expected more from me than he was able to do himself. But he didn't know how to change.
Then when he gave up again in December he said he "didn't know how" to just love me and let go.
Then his outburst on Saturday.
It all points to the same thing. He holds a huge grudge over the loss of the family farm. It WAS his life's dream. But wallowing in that loss will not get him anywhere. I can only believe that he chooses to keep that anger/blame/resentment. I don't know what he gets out of it except permission from himself to never meet any other goals... I don't buy it that he cannot. I believe he will not. So I just need to let it be, I guess.
I wonder why Dan wants his own farm? I remember spending childhood summers on my uncles large turkey farm and noticed that he had to work his butt off to keep 100,000+ stupid big birds alive and healthy. It did pay off in the long run as he retired quite wealthy. I suppose the lure could be that you are your own boss on a farm. It sure is a great environment for kids.
