I just wanted to reinforce what ITH has said. It does take longer to move through the stages than you'd ever believe, and even if you got together in, what were you predicting, May? it might be 12 or 18 months later before your BF worked through his low self-esteem, guilt, regret, embarrassment, etc, enough to understand and be ready to talk about what happened. You know how every once in a while you cycle through a stage where you are convinced you need "honest and open communication?" Trust me, trying to talk to someone who is still reeling from the effects of his MLC is like expecting a person whose leg was recently amputated not to mind if you probed his scars in order to discover how he "felt"--you'd hear a lot of screaming, but receive little clarity about what was going on in his mind.
Yes, the two of you would concentrate on what was working/what was good, and make plans for the future, but because you hadn't yet received assurance that he knew what he'd done (and had therefore actually changed), you wouldn't be sure you could trust him. And on days when he seemed sunny, upbeat and himself, you'd think, how can you act as though nothing ever happened? Other days he would be preoccupied, closed in and unresponsive and you would want to scream, "I need to have my needs met too!"
It's hard to describe piecing. Sometimes things seemed to be so easy, so right, and other times the emotions and uncertainties I mentioned above would take over. After the bomb, I had a clear sense of what I needed to do to heal myself and what I'd like any future relationship to look like, which gave me energy and purpose to make changes. After H returned, I often felt I was slogging through a swamp with no compass. I wonder if, for the LBS, piecing isn't a kind of final exam, which forces us to reconfirm all the changes we have made.
The only thing that got me through piecing was my new-found ability to detach from my H, to understand that my emotional life cannot be connected to his, to NOT NEED anything from him. You've made a lot of progress in this area, but I'd encourage you, whenever you feel yourself wanting to have a good old wallow in "I wonder whether he...?", to instead focus on appreciating yourself and your life outside of him.
I think you're right not to set any rules/ultimatums on youself, and make sure not to set any expectations up either! I hope your birthday is lovely!!
