In some ways your C is right, but I don't think she's expressing it clearly to you. Let me explain, but first off, I am in no way excusing your H's affair w/OW nor am I saying it is your fault.
Like John said, that tact is complete denial and BS. H made a choice and no one forced him to make that choice. That said, here is what I mean when I say that C is kind of correct in her words about OW.
The OW is not your fault, but there were things that happened in the M that made H look and consider OW. Again, it is his choice to leave, but if you take a look at how your actions may have played a role in his affair, you'll be able to get on to the road of healing for you and the road to reconciliation.
See, if you can't stop and reflect on what it was that you may have been doing that caused H to be so unhappy that he started to look outside the marriage, you'll never be able to move forward w/him.
Again, he made the decision, but you can and should use this as an opportunity to examine yourself and see what your role may have been, own it, then fix it.
When I discovered my XW's emotional affair, I read a book called "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahams Spring and it really helped to put it into perspective that although I didn't cause the A to happen, there are things I need to change about my personality and actions so I'll never have the person I love cheat on me again.
For me, it was mostly about establishing proper boundaries and learning how to be more "in-touch" w/the needs of a woman. I'm not sure what it is or will be for you, but I do know that you can use this to grow tremendously if you honestly and critically look at what role you have played in his H.
I also agree w/fb that the OW shouldn't come up again. He can't process it now and it only leads to his becomming defensive. In time, he may be able to own up to it and work w/you on it, but it also may be something that is never brought up again, but the actions change so it will never happen again.
Can you tell him what you need w/out bringing the OW into the conversation?
