I didn't say let it out, I said admit it. See this I fear is the flip side of trying to change some of that stuff. You said you were pissed, but then you "decided" not to be, because you're somehow not allowed to be mad about anything now.
I get mad at plenty of things...what I try to do when it comes to my wife and instances like this, is ask myself if there is really any reason I should be upset about it...upset with HER..or am I just targeting her.
Did she do something that should have caused me to be angry with her? No.
In the past, would I have taken it personally..as though she did it just to piss me off..and had been rude..AND targeted her with my anger? Yes.
My wife still sees me angry and pissed off at a myriad of things at times....what I have come to realize over these past months is it is a rare occasion that she does anything that warrants me being angry with her specifically.
Actually, part of that conversation that night was me telling her that I DO, at times have to stop and think about what I am doing and how my words and actions affect those around me.
I used to shoot first...and never ask any questions..LOL, and I am learning to control that...not hide it or transfer into digs and sarcasm.
I believe she has been the target of blatant anger, digs and sarcasm that were specifically directed at her enough over the years that she has come to realize the difference.
....and when I say the conversation...the sarcasm..was light..I honestly think it was. I think she wanted reassurance that I wasn't mad because of past experience AND her feelings that it just wasn't proper for her husband to come home and find her and her friend alone in the house with four dudes.
Forgetting all past experiences for a minute, and remembering that she told me we had become best friends over this past year...I think she wanted to make sure her best friend wasn't pissed and that she hadn't done something to offend him....or making sure that he didn't think she was showing interest in some one else.
I used to shoot first...and never ask any questions..LOL
Now that's funny. lol
I hear where you're coming from. And I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to "defend" yourself. I'm really just trying to figure all this out in my life too, y'know? So I really appreciate you letting me pick your brain.
Hey...pick away..and don't hold back if you have anything to say on my thread. I would curious if you had any more input on the "best friends" conversation and the rest of the weekend....after I finish the story.
Which I will do if I ever stop getting interrupted here at work.
~First, I know words can't make up for what I put you through in our marriage, but I am sorry. She said a know you are.
Second, I love you and no matter how it seemed, I was always in love with you and I am sorry that I didn't know how to show you.
Third...given the chance, I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but if I don't get that chance I understand.
Brilliantly said....Bravo. I'm proud of you.
What we have had this past year has been great...for the first time in our marriage, I feel at home here with you, but I don't see us as H&W in the future.
You were never my best friend through our marriage...in the last year you have become my best friend...we talk, we laugh...we have had more good times in the last year than in the last 20(how sad is that?).
This...I don't get from her. OK: She feels you are now her best friend, you guys go out together and have a ball, you guys do the wango-tango on a regular basis, she feels closer to you than ever and comfortable in her home with you.
WTH is missing here? What else is she looking for? I don't get it.
This...I don't get from her. OK: She feels you are now her best friend, you guys go out together and have a ball, you guys do the wango-tango on a regular basis, she feels closer to you than ever and comfortable in her home with you.
WTH is missing here? What else is she looking for? I don't get it.
Please continue!...I'm intrigued...
Maybe just more time, like everyone keeps telling me..maybe she just doesn't feel like the feeling she thinks she needs to have will ever come back...maybe she tries hard not to let them. She has maintained all along that she would not put herself in a position of trusting me again because I let her down in the past...and the time before this was my last chance.
Then she goes and admits that we have become closer and feels like we are best friends now...so like you asked WTH??
Anyway...the rest of the conversation that night.
There was not much more...her surprise at me saying that I was not sure that I could stay friends with her. Honestly..I relented slightly on that and told her she will be always be my friend, but did think she was looking at it unrealistically. That from the beginning I thought she had a fantasy divorce scenario in her mind that would probably never be.
Maybe I believe that..maybe I was trying to hurt her..I don't know. I'm not so sure after all this time if hearing her say we were best friends, and her being surprised about the best friends comment made me feel like progress has been made...or makes me think she is more screwed up than I ever thought..LOL.
I do think she felt some conflict from me saying that I was unsure about remaining so close, yet "trying so hard"(her words) to make things right this past year.
I asked her about the last few weeks and how I felt her trying to pull away and she admitted she had been. She said that still comes from not wanting to get my hopes up and me telling her I don't need the reminder talks....like she needs to back off and not be so close so I back off.
There was more, I guess..but it's not as clear as it was...most of it was just a rehash of previous ones, and it just ended with basically...oh well..guess we aren't going to change things..rush things...end it tomorrow..or hate each other....each of us literally laughing and throwing our hands up in the air and getting up from the table.
We had drank a few beers, but we weren't drunk by a long shot. We went in to watch TV....I sat on one side of the room and she the other....I chuckle to myself as I write this. I looked over at her and asked what she was doing over there and patted the seat cushion next to me on the couch.....dim lights...close curtains..romantic music plays....LOL. Is this the strangest sitch ever, or what??
That was Friday...Saturday we both had to work and I asked her in the morning if she had plans for that night....she said she wanted to stay home and make dinner. I asked if she wanted to go shopping for the weekend groceries after work at a little market we like about a 1/2 hr away....she said sure.
When the time came she said she didn't feel like grocery shopping, but still wanted to go get a couple of movies and hang out at home....so we headed to the same town we planned on and bought a few new movies.
We need new cell phones and she has been bugging me about it...I avoid the subject because of the plan sitch...are we going to split it now or stay on the same one.
While we were there the subject came up and I asked about the plans...family or separate? She said it would probably make sense to split it off now, but it doesn't really matter. I said, we own a house together, I can't see the issue with the cell phones, especially if it saves a few bucks.
She agreed, but said it would be nice if there was something that was just hers..in her name...her own. I left it completely up to her and she decided we would just leave it as a family plan and start a new 2 yr contract with new phones...OK.
On the way home we stopped at a little Mexican place we like, had a margarita and some appetizers...chatted, played with our new phones. Went home and popped in one of the new movies and fell asleep in the living room....woke up at 3am and went to bed.
Sunday we slept in...puttered around the house and I went shopping for dinner while she did some housework. We went for a little ride in the Mustang and enjoyed the sunshine and warm day...came home, made dinner together, while we had some margaritas...home made this time.
We had a fun, close...almost silly day...she was in one of those moods where she was poking and pinching and being a little goofy. At the end of the evening we once again doing the "wango tango"...as Peace says...that's funny....and she fell asleep in my arms.
So you know what, I think what break is saying, is it's completely OK to be and say your mad about something. One can be mad and NOT be a d!ck at the same time. I would have been mad about guys at my house but there is a way to say you are not happy about something, and there is no crime to being unhappy about something, expressing it in a way that doesn't make you the As$ is the trick. It took me a while to learn not to be a pecker. I suspect I am still learning.
Just keep chip, chip, chipping away. Eventually you guys will be 60 and she will look up and say huh, we've been living together, wango tango-ing together, drinking together. I guess we could stay married.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
The thing is, you guys are probably right...but I was such a d!ck for so long, that I am way too gun shy about showing any negative emotion towards her and anything she may have done to piss me off....and trust me, I am not being a doormat. My wife is not perfect, but it is rare that she does anything so bad that it raises my temp any more..except for the sitch that is.
I will show it around her and trust me, I have a temper that I am still learning to control, but I guess she could probably get away with murder at this point and I wouldn't say sh!t....not good, I know.
The thing with the guys at the house is, she really is just that naive to think that it was not that big a deal...best friend comes over and best friend being who she is, next thing she knows there are 4 dudes in the house....but, knowing me and the way I was in the past..just maybe I would be pissed about it....it doesn't look cool, let me give him a heads up....all very innocent.
Quote:
Just keep chip, chip, chipping away. Eventually you guys will be 60 and she will look up and say huh, we've been living together, wango tango-ing together, drinking together. I guess we could stay married.
That talk the other night and some of her comments honestly made me feel like I could have done some chipping away....and maybe she just doesn't realize it yet??
It still blows my mind that she told me we had become best friends over the past year...and we weren't before. Did she even hear herself say it and does she understand the gravity of it, relative to the sitch we are in now?
Then she goes and admits that we have become closer and feels like we are best friends now...so like you asked WTH??
Anyway...the rest of the conversation that night.
There was not much more...her surprise at me saying that I was not sure that I could stay friends with her.
Why does this always shock the wayward and the walkaway spouse? What kind of friend just ends their commitment to their friend, and walks away from them, and still expects them to BE their friend?
"Why does this always shock the wayward and the walkaway spouse? What kind of friend just ends their commitment to their friend, and walks away from them, and still expects them to BE their friend?
I'll never, ever get that.
Puppy"
It just points to the fact.. we all are just confused.
I have walked away from my friends.. over things that had nothing to do with all "this".
Thing about it is.. we are still friends.
Maybe even better friends.
They realize that I would give the shirt off my back to help them.
I expect the same thing from them.
Today.. my 2-3 friends.. will do exactly that. Even though.. I walked away.
I never hoped to be "popular". I just always wanted people to "see" who I was.
I am sorry if that comes across as "inflammatory".. It is not meant to be that way.
"Is this the strangest stitch ever, or what??"
Well one could say.. it depends on how you look at it.
Here is the hard question.
Are you "better" now.. than what you once were?
Think about that.
Life has shown you what to do..
Is that what you want?
Look at what you wrote.. and think about what she wants.
F... what you want.
I am beginning to hate this place.
Yet at the same time.. I still want to fight.
"she fell asleep in my arms."
Seems like you got something right.
Imagine that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Why does this always shock the wayward and the walkaway spouse? What kind of friend just ends their commitment to their friend, and walks away from them, and still expects them to BE their friend?
I'll never, ever get that.
Puppy"
"It just points to the fact.. we all are just confused." I get her confusion...I caused it. She never expected this past year...maybe never expected me to hang on so long and become her best friend. That's not the man she knew all those years....she said as much the other night...we were never best friends.
I have always maintained that I know my wife better than she could imagine, or ever admit. Through our marriage, I always thought that she never really took the time to get to know me...and came to realize this past year, that was my fault.
Is that what happened this past year...she let herself...I allowed her..to get to know me?
"Is this the strangest stitch ever, or what??"
"Well one could say.. it depends on how you look at it." From many angles over this past year....I thought any way, until the other night...still think it's pretty strange. That was the first time in our lives together that she looked me in the eye and told me sincerely that she felt we were best friends.
We have talked a lot over these months..we have had great times..we talked about being "friends"..remaining friends.
The other night she talked about her best friend that moved to Florida a few years ago...they remain very close..she and my D are going down for 2 weeks this summer for her D's HS graduation.
She said all through our marriage XXXX was her best friend..maybe my only friend...now it's me. She has the new best friend and my SIL...she calls them her best friends, but said it's different with me.
I'm sorry...I am stuck on this...maybe she thought it would make me feel better..make it easier for me. It just makes it harder.
"Here is the hard question.
Are you "better" now.. than what you once were?
Think about that." Probably not...some times maybe..or at least I would like to think so, but probably not.
Better person..yes, but still a ways to go...better husband..yes, but apparently not good enough. Guess I must be a better friend, right?
Better me...for myself? Not by a long shot.
"Life has shown you what to do..
Is that what you want?
Look at what you wrote.. and think about what she wants.
F... what you want." Not sure I see yet what life has shown me...guess I am still too close? I suppose I have always made this about what I want and maybe that's the problem? I have never really said "F..what I want"?
"I am beginning to hate this place.
Yet at the same time.. I still want to fight." I feel that...I am tired of fighting, but don't want to stop...maybe just a little break...somebody ring the round bell.
"she fell asleep in my arms."
Seems like you got something right.
Imagine that. ...and again last night...imagine that.
