Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

EG,

How did you find out?

W's oldest friend told me about it. She is also friends with my sister and was friends with me before W and I got together so. She told my sister and my sister got me to go to her house on Sunday and got the friend on the phone so I could hear it first hand and sister was there to have a shoulder to cry on.

W has been talking to the friend for months about our breakup and what a B$tch I am ect. Friend didn't think her explanation made any sense had been trying to get her to tell her what was really going on about the OW. Finally W told her a couple weeks ago. The friend struggled with the knowledge and finally decided that she had to tell me about it so I wouldn't keep believing her and letting her take advantage of her. She also sent me texts from W to friend that totally confirm what she told me.

I would caution you to consider how wide of a circle to expose to, and what your motives would be. You sound very vengeful today, and rightfully so. But as pro-exposure as I am, the PURPOSE of exposure it to try and save a marriage, and to give the OM/OW's spouse the opportunity to know the truth, and to make their own decisions for their family. Neither seems to apply here.

I am feeling very vengeful right now but I know that I can not act on any of my feelings, at least not for a while. I think I need to get her out of the house and get a seperation agreement in place to stop the community property and debt so she can't do any more damage.

Now that I found out when this affair started I can hardly believe how horrible the OW is. She came to our wedding 9/20/08 and started sleeping with my W the beginning of November. And then she came to our house with my parents on Christmas Eve. How can this woman have looked me in the face.

Part of me feels like she needs to have some consequence for what she has done. She is so worried about people finding out that she has been with a woman I would love to burst her bubble.

I do think that outing this affair will end it very quickly. The OW would drop W like a hot potato. But I will not being doing anything any time soon.

[hopefulinEG]

I am also really struggling with my feeling about whether I can forgive her for the affair if she does decide to come back to our marriage. This is something I need to do a lot of thinking about.

[Joeboy]

I am currently struggling with the same dilemna . When a spouse goes outside the marriage is the bond broken . I say yes !

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am currently struggling with the same dilemna . When a spouse goes outside the marriage is the bond broken . I say yes !

It IS broken, without question.

But it can also be mended.

He who is the Mender can heal all things.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

EG,

How did you find out?

W's oldest friend told me about it. She is also friends with my sister and was friends with me before W and I got together so. She told my sister and my sister got me to go to her house on Sunday and got the friend on the phone so I could hear it first hand and sister was there to have a shoulder to cry on.

W has been talking to the friend for months about our breakup and what a B$tch I am ect. Friend didn't think her explanation made any sense had been trying to get her to tell her what was really going on about the OW. Finally W told her a couple weeks ago. The friend struggled with the knowledge and finally decided that she had to tell me about it so I wouldn't keep believing her and letting her take advantage of her. She also sent me texts from W to friend that totally confirm what she told me.

That's a good friend you have there, EG. God bless her.

Seriously.

Puppy

[hopefulinEG]

That's a good friend you have there, EG. God bless her.

Puppy

I know how good a friend she is. It was very hard for her break her friendship with her oldest friend (my W) to tell me, but she knew it was the right thing and she said that W isn't the same person she was friends with.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's a good friend you have there, EG. God bless her.

Puppy

I know how good a friend she is. It was very hard for her break her friendship with her oldest friend (my W) to tell me, but she knew it was the right thing and she said that W isn't the same person she was friends with.

Imagine that.

[hopefulinEG]

Things have actually been good the last few days in the house. I have been able to keep my cool a lot better around her and be happy and friendly. We do spend little time together but when we do she initiates conversation and actually asks me abut my day. The couple times she has been excessivly snippy she actually apologized.

I think she is really trying to get along so I will keep letting her live there because she knows she can't afford to move out. I also found out that the relationship with the OW is actually pretty rocky so maybe she is also trying to hedge her bets.

I have been thinking a lot about what I would/will do if she wakes up from her fantasy world and wants to come back to the marriage. In my heart I really do want to stay married to her and I know that many people have survived infidelity (including my own parents). I think I would tell her that I will go to counceling with her and see where it goes as long as she cuts off all contact with OW outside of seeing her at DD's school when she absolutley must. I would need for her to really come clean and know why this happened so it would never happen again but even then I can't say for sure how it would turn out.

Going through this process has changed me a lot too. I realized I am much stronger than I ever thought possible.

[hopefulinEG]

I also talked to my lawyer yesterday and she said we can have papers filed in about a month that would stop the community property/community debt. I know she is taking money and charging on a secret CC so I need to do that to protect myself.

[spellfire]

Keep us posted on your progress EG, so far it sounds like you are doing the right things to protect yourself. I can only imagine what it must be feel like for you.