Well, the lab called this morning. It is/was MRSA. For the 4th time! I get 30 days of antibiotics and then we see if it is gone, if it comes back, etc. It is getting annoying...
In other news, I/we have reached an impasse. It is bad b/c it means I don't have any hopes of going forward together. It is (almost) good because I know that there is NOTHING I can do to change things, so I can stop trying to figure out what I can do to 'fix' it...
We got together Saturday night to sort out finances, he opened a checking account with a couple hundred dollars last week, and I already had mine from his bonus check. So we needed to divide up what was in our joint checking and then close the account.
H was a little standoffish while we were talking. I was bothered by that and told him to relax. He said he wasn't enjoying what we were doing, didn't want to be doing it but "You (me) wanted to do this (separate accounts)."
I said you are right, I did. B/C you say that you want us to be together and I say I want us to be together, but guess what, we are NOT together. And that has been your choice, Dan. Every time you say you want us to be together you fall back on that line "nothing ever changes". He nodded and said, "Nothing ever does." I said, "Actually I have changed a lot, what you mean is YOU haven't changed..." He agreed it was probably all his fault.
Anyway we moved on and had all the numbers sorted out, who was taking over which payments/bills, etc.
As we finished up I asked him if he still wanted to come to Disney with us (he knew I was planning to go with some of my part of our $ and said he wanted to come along) because I was ready to pick a time and start making reservations.
He came unglued at that point. He said, "Do you hear yourself? Do I want to come to Disney? Like it's no big deal?" And then it was all the spew that is bottled up in him. How we could never afford to go to Disney if he wasn't working the job he worked to make so much money. He asked me how many times my parents took me to Disney? (once in high school) And he reminded me that Nathan and I went almost 20 times in a year when we lived in LA, then we went two years after that (2007), and now I am planning to go again. That I never have appreciated any of the work he has done....That I take it all for granted.
Then he went off about how I said it was supportive of me to move 9 times in 10 years for his job. He said it was no sacrifice on my part b/c my job was not what mattered to me the opportunity to stay home with my kids was my dream and his moving around gave us pay raises so I could stay home. The whole moving around thing allowed me to stay home so there was NO sacrifice on my end, period.
And then the kicker, the main issue. He had moved all those times, worked a job that he absolutely hated so I could stay home. And then when he wanted ONE thing from me--to agree to buying that piece of the family farm after his grandma died in 2006--I told him to, in his words, "F off".
I tried (dumb) to tell him that I didn't just say no, I had asked him to show me how we could afford our $1800 mortgage, the cows, bills, etc etc and take on another mortgage for the house and land he wanted to buy. I even suggested at the time that we move up there, live in the little old house on the land, get new jobs, and save up to build a new house later. He said that he could never find a job back home, but now he has one...
He just got even angrier and said he had it all figured out (he never showed it to me) but I wouldn't trust him, the ONE time he wanted me to, and I said "F off" and he lost his dream.
I told him I had lost my dream of being with him and the kids forever. He said if we worked it out I could still get my dream but he could NEVER get the piece of the farm back. (It was the particular piece of land where he told me when we were dating 16 years ago, that he wanted to build a house. And now it has been sold)
I started to talk then and he said something about if I pushed him anymore then we really WOULDN'T work things out. Like he still thinks we will?? WTF
Then he said he was too angry he needed to leave. So he did.
And I have surmised that as longs as he holds me responsible for him not getting his dream, then we can never get back together. To much anger and resentment associated with me, in his mind. And I cannot change that, short of giving him back that piece of the farm, which I cannot do. So it is what it is...
