Just keep swimming...PH #5

[silvagod]

Pearl, as always...no rush.

He seems to be worrying now, like the BS

You are the WAS!

Do what you like, when you like. Act the proper WAS, think of self before others!

[gucci loafer]

Can I stop by this weekend and hang with the cats?

I’m not sure how long you will be gone, but if just Sat & Sun, I could cat sit and sleep on the couch?

Umm, he has his own apartment. I'm not going to be home. What is the point?

Wow.. He is even willing to take a few crumbs.
Mr. Tunechanger. It is eating away at him now. He WILL snoop.
You have him wondering what in the world is going on with you.
PERFECT position you are in now to take this relationship in whatever direction you want.

While I was out to dinner with a girlfriend and her husband, xBF called and left a message. This is the first phone call since the kicking out.

Mr. Tunechanger is now Mr. Pursuing. Who would have guessed? Right Puppy?

Hey, it's me. Umm, calling to see if you're willing to talk sometime or, about stuff. Of if we just, I guess, or I guess we have to talk some time one way or the other. I don't know if you're home now or what. But I just want to talk...and sorry. All right, I guess email me if you want to. Bye.

Mr. Tunechanger is now Mr. I Just Want To Talk and Mr. I Just Want To Communicate. I have always found it fascinating how much faster they come back when you do an about face and let them go and show them you will NOT tolerate a third person in a relationship. You tried and tried and tried, and then quit trying and get strong... Boom..


Great job Pearl. There are a lot of people that are secretly following your thread here and observing the results of what you are doing. Would this work for me? Isn't she taking a chance on blowing her opportunity? Why is this working? etc. etc. etc...


Remember. The ball is in your court now. Good position for you to be in. He has stepped up the pursuit big time. He wants you back. Try not to get indecisive now. Even if you tell him that you are done, he will probably step up the pursuit even more and keep trying... As you can tell from reading the many threads on this site, rejection makes them want you even more. Another letter, another phone call, another apology, another comment of wanting to be friends, another comment of how they will let you go if that is what you want.. etc..

And then a day later... ANOTHER attempt. Another letter, another phone call..... another attempt at friendship another offer of getting together.....

All in all.. You are in the driver seat now. You deserve the credit for your tough stance and standing strong even when you had some weak moments. It was standing strong when you felt weak that turned this around. NO MISTAKES is the key.

Have a wonderful weekend. You have grown and I think now have found out how powerful taking a strong stance and approach works in these situations. Can you imagine if you were still hanging in there and hoping that by being nice and sweet to him would turn him around and where you would be?

Keep doing what works. If you decide to open the door a crack, make sure to keep him in the "crisis." Remember that people dont usually change until they are put through a crisis of great proportion. Keep in mind the tone of your communication to him if you go that route. Do not give up your well earned gains.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Have a wonderful weekend. You have grown and I think now have found out how powerful taking a strong stance and approach works in these situations. Can you imagine if you were still hanging in there and hoping that by being nice and sweet to him would turn him around and where you would be?

And yet, even if one were to read thru her entire thread(s), show me where she has really been "mean" or nasty?

This is a critical concept to grasp, and we're having this same discussion on another thread: there's a difference between "nice" and being a "Mr. Nice Guy"(/Girl).

There's a difference between being friend-LY, without trying to remain their BEST FRIEND.

There's a difference between taking a strong, principled stance and being a DIKK/B*TCH.

There's a difference between keeping the door open a crack, so long as certain non-negotiable boundaries are maintained, and flinging the door wide open and constantly peeking thru it to see if your wayward spouse is on the other side, still there, looking back at you, and wondering what they're thinking all the time!

Pearl HAS been a good, even "nice" person toward her boyfriend. But she's hasn't been a "Ms. Nice Gal." BIG difference.

Puppy

[JDOllie]

I support this fully - Puppy has grasped the concept for a long time, it took me up until a month and a half ago to "get it".

Emotionally, it is VERY difficult - Pearl just happens to have a great balance of righteous anger, and control of her emotions - and the ability to get her butt out and GAL!

Just to reiterate Puppy's goals - I did the same thing. W is in an EA or PA - barely spoke to me. I went dark for a month. I was civil and responded to requests about the kids. At the end of it, she started sending pics, texting, etc. Wouldn't even get out of the car to drop off kids, and after the month, started coming in, wanting to see what was going on, etc.

During that month she also has gone on one date - before it was twice a week.

So, just a second hurrah to you, Pearl - stay strong, you were not the one who walked away. You admitted your weaknesses, admitted your faults, worked on them, and stayed true. Although, I'm sure you had your share of blame in the relationship, you are the one who faced up to it.

Now, it's his turn. I'm sending W a note today: I cannot be friends with someone who would refuse to work on their relationship and marriage, and turn to OM.

If this drives them away, then you don't want them anyway. And that's coming from a guy who HATES divorce, and LOVES his wife.

[pearlharbr]

Just got back from a fabulous weekend with my best friend. Lots of shopping, lots of buying, and a healthy amount of unhealthy eating.

Thanks for your words of support guys. I'm still undecided about giving xBF another chance but will respond to his email tomorrow. BFF points out that he seems to think that because he wrote the letter I'm supposed to assume that he's done with OW. Not going to happen because I'm not that stupid. Unless and until he starts showing me change, remorse, repentence, commitment, etc. I am moving forward with my plans to relocate to SF.

[JDOllie]

Hello, gorgeous!

Good for you on the weekend! I had a good one as well. BFF probably has a point - but you're right, I'd want to hear it from him personally. I think it is a good sign that he wrote a letter - he put it in writing, and usually if it's a letter instead of in person it's because someone fears rejection - and I guess rightfully so, eh?

Please post your letter - inquiring minds want to know, and you know how nosy we are!

[pearlharbr]

To be clear, I did NOT let him spend the weekend at the house. I told him I was uncomforatable with him being here and I think that's what prompted the phone call and voice message.

Still working on the email to send back in response to his letter. I do have a question on Gucci's draft on which I hope to get some feedback.

Suddenly MR. Honest and Mr. Communicator huh? You tried and tried to get him to communicate and be honest, and once you quit trying to communicate and to have honesty, he suddenly wants it...You will need to say to him in your response to him that "he is trying to be someone they aren't" (that comment always works wonders) and "you are only doing this to get me back and things will then go back to the same old ways we had"...

I'm not 100% comfortable with the first sentiment because I told him a couple months ago that I was not happy with who I had become and was making changes in my life to become the best possible Pearl. If I don't accept his statement about wanting to be a better communicator doesn't that just negate my statement about becoming a better person?

Going for my hour walk so I'll mull it over a bit.

Can you imagine if you were still hanging in there and hoping that by being nice and sweet to him would turn him around and where you would be?

If there are any lurkers here who don't know my whole story, I was trying the whole "be friend-ly and ride it out" approach to the A but it was tearing me up inside because I felt like I was destroying my own self-respect. Suddenly a switch flipped and I knew I couldn't take it for one more minute. I can't tell you how much better I felt about myself for taking a stand and taking responsibility for my own happiness. Kicking him out may not have been strict DB practice, but it certainly follows the idea of realizing you can only control your own actions.

So that's a really long winded way of saying no, I can't imagine still doing that!

[JDOllie]

I think we are both in the exact same boat:
I also did the "be friendly" thing, and then just couldn't do it anymore. It was morally and ethically wrong, and you have to draw a line somewhere.

I told W the same thing, and then went dark. She also started responding very positively.

What I think is this: they can't believe their absolute good fortune initially in that they get booty on one hand, and their spouse is just treating them like gold, and waiting on them like a puppy dog (sorry PDT if you read).

Then all of a sudden, the spouse/BF is gone, and what feelings they have get cut off, and it makes them miss us. Now, it may simply be like missing an old pair of shoes - not because of love at that point.

So, now it's just spouse/BF and the OM/OW. At first, it's grand and glorious. No other half to annoy them, and they can do what they want. But I insisted to my friends that the polish wears off eventually, and sure enough!

I believe this is what has happened to you. But the real kicker is two-fold:
1. Are they strong enough to overcome whatever weakness caused them to leave in the first place?
2. Are they willing to completely put away the OM/OW?

To me, #2 is exactly what your email needs to state in unequivocal terms, but #1 is a tough one. I've said before I wouldn't start a conversation with W until she agreed to that.

[pearlharbr]

Just read something Puppy posted on another thread and another light went off:

I think it's important to remember that for women, RESPECT is tied VERY closely with LOVE. It's almost impossible for a woman to feel lovingly toward a man when she begins to lose respect for him.

Bingo.

I think that has an awful lot to do with the emptiness I feel inside right now. And how do I start to respect him again when I don't trust him? Not that I'm trying to right now, but I can't even see the possibility in the future.

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}} I'm so glad you had a good weekend my friend..yes Amy and I are also doing a healthy amount of eating bad food..only cause tomorrow we are going to keep ourselves accountable for losing the last bit of weight we want I'm so glad your weekend was fantastic!

As far as the other..sigh..I hope the best way to proceed becomes really easily clear for you..it's a tough spot to be in and I agree with you, how do you restart the trust/respect process..I know lots of people have done it with amazingly successful happy relationships afterwards..but I dunno how it is possible myself?!

Tawnya