Maybe I should be in piecing part 6?

[Hope4us]

I guess I was thinking it would be the ole "let her miss me" plan.

See, right now, I think she wants to stay. I think she realizes she made a mistake and she does care about me, etc, but she just doesn't know how to get out of it. And because I'm playing along with her not dealing with it, what motivation does she have to change? I was thinking if I went dark for 4 days, that she'd get a little dose of what it would be like if I wasn't around. S16 and I off doing "manly" stuff while she sits home by herself.

Make sense, or am I way off?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I read something on another board that I feel is so true in our case and I thought I'd share. This guy said his W had an A and because it was so against her morals to do it, she had to be "in love" with her OM and had to "hate" her H to justify it. And now that the A is over, his W is hanging on to the idea that she never loved her H because to admit otherwise, she would have to face what she's done.

I know I've read that same thing here in one fashion or another a number of times, but I think that fits our sitch to a "T".

My wife does this as well -- alarmingly, it's been more LATELY, if anything. She brings up me sleeping on the couch as "not helping with the distance" in our marriage, and conveniently ignores the fact that I NEVER did that in the first 18 years or so of the nearly sexless marriage. It was only in the last two or three, and only after her affair, that I did this because (and I told her this) it's too difficult to lay next to her every night when she has no interest in a physical relationship with me.

But lately, she keeps phrasing it in such a way that I created the distance, when she knows that's bullchit. In any event, I called her on it, and will continue to do so.

I do think this scenario fits your wife, H4U, and is responsible for the stasis.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

I agree with you Pup. I see this as being our hurdle. I read somewhere once that the better the marriage prior to an A, the harder it is to recover, because the wayward spouse has to go to such great lengths to justify the A, that most times the marriage just doesn't survive.

I'm trying to be one of those marriages that makes it.

So I think how I'm doing things is the right way for me. Give her the time she needs as long as I can and then the push if she hasn't figured it out by then. Thing is, I think she's figured it out, but she just doesn't know how to get out of it.

Like Saturday, we were sitting having a glass of wine at the winery and there were a couple times when she just looked at me and almost started to say something, but then couldn't. I've noticed that exact thing more times than I can count in the last few months. And in the car on the way home from the winery when I put my hand on her leg and she would move her hand down to where my hand was, it was like she was just dying to grab my hand and hold it, but just couldn't bring herself to do so. So she would "kinda" hold one of my fingers, but not totally grab it.

So what's your opinion Pup on whether I should contact her or not when S16 and I go away for a long Easter weekend?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So what's your opinion Pup on whether I should contact her or not when S16 and I go away for a long Easter weekend?

I would be in the "let her miss you" camp. At some point, I think she needs to be personally faced with the stark contrast of the way you've been treating her this past year (royally) with the possible new reality of what it would be like without you.

That weekend is as good a place as any to start.

Puppy

[Sakaro]

Hope, I'm afraid what I'm going to say might sting. Reading that you have another trip planned to Disney with your 'wife' just really made my stomach turn. This is probably the biggest most important decision you will ever make and I realize that you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say you gave it your best shot. No one ever implied this journey would be easy and you have been at this for so long. But...at some point , IMO, you have to realize that you cant reach your destination when you look down and notice you are walking on a treadmill. I went back to April 08 and found some very intelligent postings from a guy on here, and that guy was you Hope.

{but I will not stay in the marriage forever if she's not willing to give me what I need.

But if she's lying to me about any kind of contact I will immediately file for divorce and custody and expose why to her family. She's agreed to get rid of the affair stuff.
Like I've said many times, I'm done. If I found out today that she was lying to me and still contacting/seeing him, I would walk immediately.
Thing is, where I'm at right now, I only hope for us to have a chance, for the kids. Because, for me, I could give a rats a**. But if I'm going to give this a chance for the kids, she's going to have to see me in a somewhat good light before she'll be ready to commit. Not a WEAK light, but a good light.

I can see becoming the WAS VERY EASILY, if she doesn't start making the effort soon.
I've spent the last 8 months with her rubbing this affair in my face. I've spent the last 10 months letting her steal from me everything I ever trusted and believed in. And still she acts as if I'M the one that has done something wrong. She still acts like she was completely justified in having the affair, and this is who she is and if I don't like it, tough.
Well, if this is who she is, I have NO desire to be with her. Not now, not in a couple years, never. And it's just a shame, because there is now never any chance to know just how good our marriage ever could have been if she'd have spoken up as to issues she had in the marriage BEFORE sleeping with him. But she just doesn't get that.
Lately I find myself having fantasies of my life going forward without her. Making plans for my life with my boys separate from the pain and hurt that is life with WW. And to be brutally honest, I'm beginning to wonder if all these years I've just ignored her selfishness and this affair has just brought to light what I've been ignoring all along?

I'd LIKE it to work out, for both of us and the kids, but if it doesn't, I'm ok with whatever comes. And for it to work, she's going to have to make the effort now. I'm done chasing.
1) No contact. No contact letter approved by me. Blocking his email/IM address. Discuss what we can do to ensure no contact. I state if she slips and makes contact but tells me about it I will not be angry. If she makes contact and I find out and she hasn't told me or lied to me about it I will immediately see a lawyer to begin separation proceedings.

2) She gets rid of all Affair baggage. Victoria's Secret wear that she purchased specifically to be with him, pictures, cards, notes etc. Told her this will go a long way towards showing me she's serious about trying to make this work.

3) Either pro-marriage counseling or some books of my choosing on how to recover from an affair.

4) We share with the kids these three things so if she fails to do any one of them they will know why I'm seeking a separation/divorce.}

That was almost a year ago Hope. It IS TIME for the talk. You know you deserve better then you are getting, and we know you deserve better. It IS TIME that your 'wife' realizes this too!

You can NOT do this forever.

[Hope4us]

Doesn't sting at all Sakaro. April 08 was when I discovered the latest attempt by W to get OM to visit. That's when I exposed to the kids.

Nothing has changed in what I need from her to stay in our marriage. NOTHING. If she refuses to give me those things, I won't stay married to her.

What has changed is how I feel about the urgency of it. What has changed is some advise I've received from FWAW's who have advised me to give her time.

Like I mentioned before, our marriage was GOOD prior to the A. I know a lot of people think that, but ours WAS. All the holes in the cheese lined up and the A happened. And like I mentioned a couple posts ago, I think what's holding us back right now is her shame/guilt, whatever you want to call it. And I also KNOW my wife is the most stubborn woman on the face of the planet. Which makes me feel that as long as I can put up with it, NO PRESSURE is the right way to go. Is that day coming when I can't put up with it anymore? Yes. Not there yet, but it's coming.

The other thing that keeps me going as is for now is that the economy sucks and right this minute, I don't have any other options. Let's say I draw the line in the sand and she says, ok, lets separate. I can't afford our house by myself. If we sold it, we would not get what we owe on it, so that's not an option. If I don't have any options in that regard, why not give her some more time? Maybe, just maybe, that's what she needs. Maybe she's not in contact with OM and her depressed moods come around because she's dealing with what she's done. If that's the case, pressure isn't the way to go, I don't think.

Last April, my boss told me if I needed a transfer, he would arrange it. I gave myself until Oct to see if we'd progressed or not. Come Oct we'd made what I thought was a significant break through so I told my boss to hold off on the transfer. Then our company, like so many others out there, went into budget cutting mode and with a transfer costing the company $70,000 (what we use for an estimate), they put a hold on non-critical moves. They've just dried up. So because we'd made some what I thought was good progress, I delayed the move. Now I'm kind of in a holding pattern with work.

Maybe I don't post enough of the good stuff I see her doing. Maybe I only post when I'm pissed. I know I posted a week or so ago, that I now feel like if I have to give her an ultimatum for her to get off the pot, I'm not sure I want it to work.

Since I don't have many options right now and we are getting along for the most part and I see how we connect when we go away, why not give her some time?

I know I deserve better. But I see her changing. Is it as fast as I'd like. NO. But like I said, since I have no options at this moment, why not act "as if" the things I'm doing are working and go from there?

I talked to my brother a week ago. He said the same things you did Sakaro. My response to him was "If we separated at this time, I'd be spending time with my boys and my friends. I still really enjoy W's company. She's intelligent, funny, sexy as he!!. I do just enjoy spending time with her. So if I would be spending time with my boys and friends if we separated, why not spend it with W?

I know I can't do it forever, but I can do it for another couple months.

And one other thing I don't think I've ever mentioned. W is greatly affected by the winter blah's. Every year she becomes a little depressed in the winter. And she's mentapausal. All those things just lead me to think that giving her another couple months isn't the end of the world.

I really do appreciate your concern. Everyone here on the board. But I've only got another week until S20 comes home for spring break and that'll be good family time. A couple weeks later, the trip up north with S16. 3 weeks later, the trip to Fla. So making it through to that time without the talk will be a piece of cake (I know I probably just jinxed myself).

Then the talk.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The other thing that keeps me going as is for now is that the economy sucks and right this minute, I don't have any other options. . . . I can't afford our house by myself.

But you can afford to keep treating her with these vacations??

Just askin' . . .

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Yep, that I can afford. We have timeshares at Disney so the room is paid for. We have annual passes for the parks that we bought last summer when we went down with the kids so that's paid for. So the only thing to pay for is the flights (which I got cheap on Airtran) and our spending money while there.

[breakaway]

I think you're addicted to her. Just my opinion.

[Hope4us]

I don't doubt that one bit Break.

Maybe that helps me understand what she's going through.