It kills me to see her doing this. She is my very best friend, but I cannot condone or be passive about what she is doing. I just don't understand how she can be so supportive of me and what I went through, and then just give up on her own marriage that was really essentially better than my own.
I think the answer to this inconsistency is loyalty. Your friend is loyal to you and expects your loyalty "no matter what."
One of my wife's close friends has gone through enormous efforts to save her failing marriage, and then gave up when she found out her husband has a mistress, which broke her heart. Her friend knows my wife had an affair, and that I have put in tremedous effort to save the marriage, yet she is squarely on my wife's side and has never read her the riot act regarding her affair. It's all about loyalty, not about what's right and wrong.
You friend, TAL, wants you in her corner, even if she's cheating.
I think you need to be able to tell your friend, "I love you, but what you are doing is very wrong and hurtful. In fact, I love you enough to call you on the carpet about it."
The truest love is always honest. The best friend is one who is truthful. In the book Proverbs it says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." The idea is that "tough love" that comes from a friend is a blessing. If you bury your conscience to support a friend, you lose a little bit of yourself, and ultimately betray your friend.
My wife doesn't like my friends much, because she suspects they look at her with a supressed judgement. My friends are loyal, but they would never betray the truth to protect me. If I were to cheat on my wife, they would lovingly confront me, and if I didn't break off the affair, probably would make my life a living hell. They are my friends, but also friends of my marriage, and want what's best for my children. They would all arise I protectors of my wife if I dared stray. They are the ones who have kept me accountable throught this whole nightmare.
