When I spoke to a lawyer I found out that between alimony and childsupport I have to pay around $2500 per month. I would have to sell the house if I had to pay that.
I make a good salary and her "earning potential" is barely above minimum wage. The reason we were trying to stay living together was so 1) I could keep the house and the kids didn't have to move and 2) So she could finish getting her degree and then she agreed to waive alimony (we will get that in writing).
She will have some consequences if she moves out. It won't be as easy for her as she thinks because she will get half our debt and have to get a 2 bedroom apartment if she wants the kids to ever sleep over. And have to pay for her gas guzzling SUV and Alimony is taxable income so she would not really be getting $2500 and she would not be able to continue school.
I don't really think she has thought it through.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
On the bright side I don’t feel like a wreak today. I feel calm about this and my fear didn’t kick in. I cried a little before I left the house but I am not angry or freaked out.
I am thinking about her but it is more with love and thinking about how I can keep moving forward.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
So we had our big talk after work today. She really wanted to and I thought we should get it over with so when all my work was done I went home early. On the way home I decided to act "as if" it was going to be a great conversation. That we were not going to fight but have a calm rational discussion.
So we had a fairly long discussion about how we can work things out to live together amicably. At first I just let her talk and bitch and tell me all the things I was doing that she didn't like and I was actually surprised at how much she blew stuff out of proportion. I guess I should be surprised. I just validated her feeling. I can understand. I didn't realize you percieved it that way. I will try to pay attention to how I greet you when I come home. Bla bla bla. And then at a certain point she said I sounded like simon Cowel with my 8 answers that I use over and over. I said I wanted to keep the conversation calm and give hear what she had to say. She also said she was totally confused be cause I said I want to be friends and then I say I don't and she doesn't know what to think. I asked when she remembered me saying I wanted to be friends and she said I said I wanted to be friendly not friends.
Then she asked me what I wanted. I said I don't want to be her friend. I think we should be like friendly neighbors. We say high and chit chat and are friendly. but there are certain topics we should not talk about. We should not talk about our relationship, we should not talk about our marriage or when we got together or when we broke up. We should not talk about Divorce or Separation or her moving out. Until you want to file papers there is not real reason to discuss it.
She gave several examples of times she might "need" to mention it. Like what if I want you to burn CD's of all the pictures so I have them when I move out. I said you can just ask me to burn CD's you don't need to say so I have them when I move out. I might realize that is what it is for but we don't need to talk about it. I have thought about it and almost all of the issues we have had are when we talked about one of those subjects. It's like when you are not supposed to talk about politics or religion with friends well this is our topics we shouldn't talk about.
She was a little resistant and made comments about if she was "allowed" to say this or that. I said I am just making suggestions but you don't have to do anything I say. So she realized that it actually made sense. I also did say that the OW was part of the topics that I did not want to discuss. The reason we got in the fight today was because of her and it is often the reason. Whether she is your "best" friend or not, to me she is all wrapped up in our separation and divorce and will only cause problems. She agreed not to talk about her again.
After that we moved from the counter to the couches and the discussion got much more comfortable. We talked about household stuff and division of labor and a few things that had been bugging us and we were able to nicely agree on how to handle them. We ended the conversation on a very good note.
She is leaving for the weekend with the girls tomorrow before I get home so I will only see her in the morning for about 45 minutes getting the girls ready for school.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
I also talked to my sister tonight. She talked to a mutual friend of her and my W and the friend apparently told her a bunch of stuff that W had told her. Why W would tell her anything I don't know because she is such a big gossip. The friend could hardly wait to tell my sister.
So my sister couldn't tell me a lot because her daughter was being needy. The friend had told her that W was not in any way considering reconciling and didn't want to talk about that. The friend had also told W to move out and stop mooching off me and causing me and the kids so much pain. If she wanted out then get the H$ll out and face the music.
Sister said there was a lot more and even some about the OW but will talk to me later.
What ever I hear tomorrow I have to take with a big grain of salt because the friend does tend to exaggerate and who knows if W even really told the friend the truth. but it will be interesting to hear.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Well the truce didn't last long. First thing this morning W starts telling me a story about OW last night as Survivor. A few minutes into I say I would rather you didn't tell me about this story. She got mad because she says the point of the story was about a different friend being mad at her and how could I be so insensitive.
I try to reminder her about the ground rules we set up just yesterday but of course it doesn't do anything. So I walked away. She apologized later but then kept getting mad about stupid things all morning. And left mad and took the kids without giving me time to say goodbye. Which really pissed me off since I won't see them until Sunday since they are leaving before I get home. I sent her a txt saying how I didn't appreciate her doing that and where the kids are concerned I will not put up with that. She apoligized again and said it was "unintentional".
I'm glad she is going away for the weekend because right now I could give a sh%t if she ever wants to get back together.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Based on everything you said, I think emotional detachment would be a good thing for you. You are still emotionally very tied up in her (naturally), and that is causing you much pain, and now anger.
She is still able to push your buttons, and she knows it. You need to take those buttons away from her. You need to take a lot of things away from her.
Hang in there, stay strong for those precious kids. Be proud for taking the high road. You didn't ask for any of this, but you are handling it well regardless.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Well it has finally been confirmed W has been sleeping with the OW since November. It is not just an EA like I thought. I was so trusting and gullible. I believed all the lies and so much more. I just feel numb right now. She doesn't know that I know about the OW. I also found out the she has been stealing money from our accounts. She had some excuses but not good ones and so I am going to my lawyer tomorrow to figure out how to protect myself from her taking money or charging up a bunch of debt.
In some sense I feel like a weight has lifted. I know that it REALLY wasn't my fault and I can stop beating myself up. I can stop doubting my instincts like I have for months. And now my path is clear. I have to ask her to leave the house. I can not allow her to live here and support her while she is sleeping with this other woman.
And lastly I actually feel very sorry for W. What I learned about the OW is really bad. Not to get to graphic but apparently this is one sided sex. The OW won't touch W and is basically just using her for sex and doesn't really care about her. She will not allow anyone even their best friends to know. She goes back and forth between can't do this and you aren't paying enough attention to me. The OW is really ashamed of what they are doing and not the part where W is cheating on me. So W is ruining her life and all her friendships (friends are dumping her left and right because she is being so bad to our family.) She is not going to be able to finish school and will have her kids only part of the time and all of that for some woman who doesn't care about her and is ashamed of their relationship. I can imagine that when I tell W that I want her to move out she will call OW to say she needs a place to stay and OW will say Whoa hold on I don't think so. She is going to be so devistated and hurt by this whole things. Maybe I am crazy but I do feel really sorry for her. She is so crazy right now that she has no idea how distructive she is being to herself.
I am going to hold on to this information until I talk to the lawyer and get my ducks in a row and protect myself. I'm sure she will get desperate once she knows I know.
I am also going to wait until we have our agreement about what happens with alimony and the kids in writing and filed with the courts before I out this woman. She is the secretary at our kids school. I think the principle needs to know that one of her employees is sleeping with one of the parents and broke up their marriage. I am also going to make sure that lots of the parents know about what they are doing. OW didn't want anyone to know she was sleeping with another woman then she shouldn't have picked a married woman. I think it will pretty much ruin her life and force her to quit working at that school and go somewhere else.
But for now I can only fantasize about how the OW will feel when everyone finds out. I need to be very patient and protect myself and my kids first.
Last edited by hopefulinEG; 03/09/0911:55 AM.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
I would caution you to consider how wide of a circle to expose to, and what your motives would be. You sound very vengeful today, and rightfully so. But as pro-exposure as I am, the PURPOSE of exposure it to try and save a marriage, and to give the OM/OW's spouse the opportunity to know the truth, and to make their own decisions for their family. Neither seems to apply here.
Certainly time to think about that stuff before you do it, as you've got a good gameplan for talking to L first.
I'm so sorry; I know this feels like a truck hit you square in the chest. But like you said, at least you finally know the truth, and know you're not crazy.
