Hi, I have found many of the postings helpful on this website. I am "new" to DB, have read the book and am trying to apply some of the principles. Here is my story.....
H and I have been married for 19 years. Literally, I thought we were the happiest couple. We have a S18 and D15. Everything was going fine until I noticed after Thanksgiving that my husband was starting to become more and more distant. We own a construction business together, and previously we spoke on the phone literally 10 times a day...sometimes just to chat. We were very close. Starting the first week of December, he stopped calling during the work day. I would call and leave a message (or multiple messages....I know...pathetic) and would maybe get a callback 4 hours later. So, I decided that it was too painful for me to await his returned calls so I stopped calling during the workdays unless there was a true business reason to call. I found out that one of our clients was getting divorced the week before Christmas. This is when things started to "click" in my mind. This client who we have been working on house plans for for close to a year and we were very near starting the project up and left her husband. The husband insisted he wanted us to continue on with the project, but then my H made a unilateral decision to drop the project. Without even discussing with me. My suspicion is that he has been having an affair with the female client. Reasons for my suspicions are that starting over Thanksgiving, she had text messaged him while we were on vacation, he started to workout like a fiend often twice a day, started wearing designer underwear (seriously!), started being away from the house for longer periods of time on the weekends when he used to spend all of the weekend time with our family. When he would be away, he would say he was playing tennis (with a guy friend that I don't know or have never met) or mountain biking or hiking alone. It is hard for me to buy that, but he insisted he is not seeing anyone.
His behavior has changed to me in such a radical way....I have a hard time remembering that we used to be so comfortable in each other's presence. Now when we spend time together, it feels strained. I don't want to talk about work, can't talk about our future because he thinks we don't have one, so we talk about the kids. He rarely initiates conversation. I would say he is polite, but very disinterested.
I confronted him on 2/15 about OW. I found a notecard with her initial on the envelope. He said the card was for me but didn't give me that one because he made a mistake on the envelope. Am I an idiot? But I need to backup, the way I found the card/envelope was I searched his truck while he was out. I can't believe I did this, and now he knows I did this. So, later that day I confronted him, he denied, denied, denied. But said that he has had a problem with me for 20 years for not initiating sex more. I have never ever refused any advances he has made towards me. EVER!!! He had mentioned my lack of initiating sex maybe once or twice over the course of our marriage but nothing recently so I was blown away and find it hard to believe that his change in attitude toward me is to do with that. So....he has concluded that he wants to leave because he thinks that two problems can never be fixed. 1) I never initiate sex, and even if I started to, it would seem fake now. 2) I don't trust him.
He says he doesn't plan to go anywhere soon, and we want to wait until the kids are out of school. We are not telling anyone, so I feel VERY ALONE and fake when out with friends and our family. I want more than anything to have the man I married back. Not this shell of a person who is still living here in body but not here in spirit.
Life around our house has been so strange. He has slept in our bed maybe half of the nights since 2/15. We have been intimate at least 8 times, I have initiated and have tried new things. But usually the next day he seems even more distant and then I get more upset but am trying to be upbeat, cheerful, you know...180.
Since he said I never initiated, I have been trying that but for the last two nights he has rejected my advances and seems even more distant. So now I don't know if I should backoff (maybe I am being too needy) or keep trying? I am so confused. Tonight he is on the couch again.
Advice or comments are much appreciated! I have lost 25 pounds since all of this started. Can't eat and having trouble sleeping. I started seeing a therapist (he doesn't know) and I go to the gym everyday which helps.
