Hey M.. I was just going to post to you!... ITH posted this on my thread and I do agree.. but if you want/need the details now from H, so be it.. perhaps at least an admission that it did happen, but leave the details for later?? remember the theory is the R "cant stand" to rake over the A, until you get past stage 2, friendship, 3, romance and reach stage 4 - recommitment? I'm not sure what stage you are at right now, 2, 2 1/2?!
I agree, no matter how you behaved, thats NO excuse for an OW.. that was your H's decision to take the problems outside of the M and you probably didnt do anything 'wrong', your H, like my ex is weak and a woman at work paid them attention and their egos were flattered. Its such a cliche. Herss her post:
"In terms of stage 2, I really think that it's normal for there still to be "taboo" subjects. My take on it is at the beginning of stage 2 it is like a very casual friendship. So, you don't necessarily discuss feelings and deep topics, but things are casual and light. I live with my H again, and we have discussed long-term plans together, but there are still topics that seem off-limits. My point is that these things often take a lot longer than we'd expect, and I don't think the stages are exactly the same for everyone. It takes a really long time to build up to a place where it is OK to discuss what happened. I remember that Jody told Optimistwife (who got her M back) that it was better to just concentrate on the things that were now good rather than bringing up the past and causing her H to feel shame for his behavior. They started moving forward, and making future plans, without having those talks."
Al xxx (if you are going to maybe start over have you thought anymore about 3 sessions with a db coach? You can get H to pay, call it personal R counselling...? Or, just pay yourself, think of it as investment.. if you are D you will have a lower standard of living, if $360 helps you reconcile, you will be much better off financially!)
