Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for reading my thread and thanks for offering your perspective and experience with concussions. I'm sorry to hear about your husbands concussions and the resulting changes in his perspective. You appear to have learned a great deal about brain injuries up close and personal.

My injury was extremely severe. Other than my brain, my only physical damage was a fractured left cheekbone and orbit, leaving a 3-inch, thin scar running from my eyebrow to the top of my cheek. Luckily, it's barely noticeable unless you're really looking for it. My XW told me that when I was in the first hospital, they wouldn't even give a percentage chance that I was going to make it out of my coma and couldn't even speculate on what I'd be if I did, so I'm extremely fortunate and thankful that I've healed as well as I have, but I also think that my healing has given me a false sense of how well I've healed.

My double whammy is that during my healing process I was a real combative jerk to my W and my D. I honestly don't even remember much of this. I was tested by a psychologist and my Traumatic Brain Injury doctor for an entire day of questions and answers. I received the results a few weeks later and was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, which is a mood disorder that can have seriously detrimental effects on the afflicted and his/her family. One of the common characteristics of manic episodes is affairs. I also had a persistent low-grade depression that I characterized as BLAH!. How are you doing, Tom? I'd say, Fine, but what I really meant was BLAH! Last year I got my medication in the correct dosage so the BLAHs are gone.

Now, I know that my body helped make messing up easier for me, but I know that I am the one who made the choices. Being a Christian man, I know that I am forgiven, but I spent way too much time beating myself up over something that I cannot undo, much as I wish I could. Last week, my pastor told me that self-deprecating behavior is simply pride run amok. I looked back and said to myself, why didn't I stop that? Why didn't I make different choices? Why wasn't I simply a better man? All of those are the wrong questions. Now I pray for Jesus to walk with me and reveal His will to me so I will be able to adopt His will as mine.

I do believe that my injury and my brain chemistry imbalance paved my path with uneven cobblestones, and I didn't navigate them on my own well at all. Well, I'm still me and I am learning about my capabilities as time goes by. I will look to the Lord to heal me and lead me to make better decision and choices. I am in the valley now, and I lean on Him now more than ever because I know that the challenges in my life today are temporary, who I am is permanent.